AITA for assuming my friend was keeping her partner away because I didn’t like him when actually he didn’t like me?
For fifteen years, two women forged a friendship rooted in shared experiences and youthful camaraderie, their bond a sanctuary amid the demands of life.
But beneath the surface of Ally’s seemingly content partnership lies a quiet tension, a gulf carved by differing passions and unspoken compromises that leave her caught between worlds.
As the years unfold, the honest voice of a close friend dares to glimpse beyond Ally’s calm acceptance, revealing the subtle ache of unfulfilled desires and the silent loneliness of a “football widow.” In this story of friendship and truth, the heart’s quiet yearnings whisper beneath the surface, waiting to be heard.
I (38f) have known ‘Ally’ (40f) for 15 years. We first met at work when were single and the youngest people there. We became good friends and socialised together and still do. Ally then met her partner ‘Matt’ who she is still with years later. He does not share her interests.
He is an avid football supporter (UK) and very anti the rival football team. Even when he doesn’t go to watch matches live, he watches at the pub with male friends. He plays sport with his friends. She’s a football widow. She likes going to the theatre and to dinner.
He’ll go to dinner with her but doesn’t much enjoy the theatre unless it’s a serious play (she likes musicals) and she ends up going with female friends.
She says she doesn’t mind, they aren’t joined at the hip and she has plenty of friends and relatives who enjoy going to the theatre with her and that she doesn’t want to go to football. I wonder…
I am known for being brutally honest.
When she introduced me to Matt, she asked my opinion and I gave it. I didn’t really see them together. I didn’t like that he drinks and swears. He has a professional job but isn’t very ‘refined’ unlike her and I found him a bit difficult to connect to.
At the time she was hurt but got over it and generally just engineered it so I never really saw him. He was always ‘busy’ when I organised a party etc. They now have 2 young boys and he looks after them when she comes out with her friends.
TBH more recently my opinion of him has improved. He seems to be a really good daddy to the boys and they clearly adore him. They are also football mad! It took me longer to meet my SO ‘Edward’ but I now have and we have just got engaged.
Ally and Matt both attended our engagement party. Edward actually also likes football and ended up getting on really well with Matt. Later I asked Ally if she’d be up for doing something as couples, as Edward and Matt got on well. She was non-committal.
A few weeks later I tried to arrange something and she accepted for herself but “Matt was busy”. I explained I wanted to do something with the 4 of us when he was free. She kept stalling.
I pushed it (maybe I shouldn’t have) and she said it wasn’t a good idea because he and I didn’t get on. I said it was ok, I’d changed my opinion more recently and Edward liked him. She looked surprised and then awkwardly let me know it was because he didn’t really like me!
She “thought I knew”! I didn’t and I was upset - this was news. I asked her why. She was embarrassed but said he found me judgmental and “too much”. I don’t even know what that means. A few other examples as well!
I was hurt and told her I had assumed she kept us apart because I didn’t like him not the reverse. She said that we didn’t get on so what difference did it make. I’m beyond hurt and did react badly and told her some home truths about him.
I regret this now and tried to apologise but she won’t return my calls. AITA?
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THIS STORY SHOOK THE INTERNET – AND REDDITORS DIDN’T HOLD BACK.:
Users didn’t stay quiet — they showed up in full force, mixing support with sharp criticism. From calling out bad behavior to offering real talk, the comments lit up fast.
Apprehensive-Fan-250 - :- YTA. 'brutally honest' is always code for 'excuse to be an ass'. And now you're butthurt that your very own behavior got flipped on you? And you doubled down when told so?Maybe this is the time for some honest self reflection.
Kittenn1412 - :- Let me get this straight: you said a bunch of incredibly rude things to someone's new partner, then one day decided you like them actually and didn't realize that everything you've ever done to them caused them to form an opinion of you?
My girl, every person who is not you in the world has a mind of their own and exist in the world outside of how they relate to your life. They all have deep inner worlds just as complex as your own. Not everything is about you. Oh and YTA.
BiscuitNotCookie - :- INFO: Why is ok for you to be 'brutally honest' with people in your own life, and yet when your friend is gently honest with you, you lash out at her and verbally attack her husband?
lihzee - :- YTA. This is honestly hilarious. You WERE judgmental. Not "refined" enough? JFC, OP. You reap what you sow.
LittleFairyOfDeath - :- What "truths?" Also just based on this post alone i fully agree with him. You were judgmental and can’t take what you dish out. How is them having two different hobbies a problem? They clearly understand eachother regardless of it.
And you were fine when it was based on you not liking him but how dare he not like you? That is hypocritical. And most of the time "brutally honest" just means judgmental jerk. YTA and honestly i would drop you as a friend
GrymDraig - :- YTA.>I was hurt and told her I had assumed she kept us apart because I didn’t like him not the reverse. Why would you assume that when you specifically told her all of the things you didn't like about him?>I am known for being brutally honest. Translation: You're an asshole who lacks tact. This is not a good thing to be known for.
Intrepid_Potential60 - :- We reap what we sow. His unrefined self was all good for you to crap on until you figured out, belatedly, he turned out to be refined enough to know what you were putting down and was having none of it - and neither was his wife. Life lesson, keep your judgements to yourself. YTA here, sorry.
The Original Poster (OP) is deeply hurt and confused after learning that her long-time friend, Ally, actively shielded her partner, Matt, from interacting with the OP because Matt found the OP judgmental.
The central conflict lies in the OP's belief that their friendship dynamic was based on mutual acceptance, while Ally prioritized protecting her partner's negative feelings about the OP, leading to years of misdirection and recent emotional fallout when the OP confronted the situation.
Considering the OP's past critical comments about Matt and Ally's desire to shield her partner from perceived judgment, was the OP justified in reacting strongly upon learning the truth, or should she have accepted the situation quietly to preserve the friendship?
Where does the responsibility lie in maintaining honesty versus protecting social harmony within long-term friendships?