AITA for asking my wife to pay her fair share?
In the quiet corners of a blended family, a man finds himself stretched thin between love, duty, and fairness.
Married to Stacey, who fiercely protects the boundaries of their family finances, he shoulders the weight of supporting children from two different lives, feeling the invisible strain as expectations collide with reality.
Though Stacey never shirks the hands-on care for his older children, the relentless accounting of every dollar spent casts a shadow over their home.
Each act of kindness from her, followed by a demand for reimbursement, chips away at the fragile harmony they’ve built, leaving him caught in an emotional tug-of-war between gratitude and frustration.
I (M 39) have been married to my wife Stacey (F 30) for 5 years and we have 2 children together. I also share 3 children with my ex wife Hannah (F 37).
Ever since Stacey and I got together she has made it very clear to me that my 3 children are mine and Hannah's responsibility, not hers. I pay Hannah child support every month.
Stacey has demanded that I give her the same amount of money each month for our joint children's expenses to keep things "fair." I also pay for half of our joint household expenses (mortgage, utilities, food) and my own car.
Stacey pays for the majority of expenses for our children. Stacey has never taken issue with caring for my children from my previous marriage; she picks them up from school and takes them to activities.
However, anytime she purchases anything for them, she immediately sends me a Venmo request and demands I cover all expenses related to children that are "not hers." During a recent family vacation, she demanded I pay for half the portion for my children and all of the portion for Hannah's children.
To add insult to injury, she recently started contributing money to college funds for her kids, while I have nothing saved for my older kids' college. When I discussed this, Stacey agreed, but only if I put the exact same amount into college funds for her children.
I told Stacey I need her to start paying her fair share of expenses around the household, as I cannot afford child support, household expenses, and all these miscellaneous expenses for my older kids. She makes more than me and could easily afford it.
Stacey became very upset, took our children to her parent's house, and I have not heard from her in a day and a half.
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REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.:
The community had thoughts — lots of them. From tough love to thoughtful advice, the comment section didn’t disappoint.
jessszilla - :->I told Stacey I need her to start paying her fair share of expenses around our household Ummmm....>I have to pay for half of our joint household expenses (ie mortgage, utilities, food) and my own car.
Stacey pays for the majority of expenses for our children. Sounds like she pays for half of the household expenses AND the majority of the expenses related to your shared children. YTA.
happybanana134 - :- YTA. Stacey is paying half of the household expenses. Stacey is paying for majority of things for the two children you have with her. Stacey is helping you with childcare for 3 children that are not her own.
Stacey does not have to contribute to their college funds; that is for you and Hannah to sort out. It is not her fault that neither or Hannah thought about this until she was proactive about her children's future.
'We recently went on a family vacation and she demanded that I pay for half of the portion for our children and all of the portion for Hannah's' How is this unreasonable?
The only thing that is a little odd is that you're giving Stacey the same monthly amount that you give your ex; this is confusing to me.
I suppose it makes me question where this money goes, how much money she lost in earnings when she was pregnant with the two children, who paid the medical expenses etc.
JetItTogether - :- YTA- Stacey pays for half of all the household expenses (fair) and most of your SHARED children's expenses... That makes you the AH... They are your kids... Why is she paying for most of what they need? You also owe child support to your ex...
Which you are paying...... But then you're upset about financially supporting your two kids who live full time with you... So let me get this straight.... Stacey does most of not all of the child care. Stacey does her fair share of household care...
Stacey covers her part of the expenses... Stacey starts college funds... And you figure out oh crap we should do that and you then freak out because you have to contribute to five kids college funds? Like duh... You have five kids..
You take your kids on vacation and don't expect to pay for your 3 kids... You expect Stacey to pay for your 3 kids? And care for them? Naw What are you bringing to the table here? Is it just more children you can't afford to support and don't do the work to care for?
JPenelope - :- YTA You have 5 kids. You’re responsible for providing for their care. That includes a lot of expenses. Stacey is right that she shouldn’t be financially responsible for your 3 kids that you share with Hannah.
Any financial stuff regarding those kids should be dealt with between you and Hannah. It actually sounds like Stacey does a great deal for her stepkids.
She has just maintained a clear financial boundary, which according to you was something she was upfront about from the beginning. She even advocated for them that they should be getting the same college fund contributions as her own kids.
It is not Stacey’s problem that you are struggling to support your 5 kids. It sounds like she is more than pulling her weight with the household and the kids. I’m not sure why you would ask her to pay “her fair share” when it sounds like she already is.
karenrachael - :- YTA- it sounds like Stacey works outside the home, takes care of your shared children and does a share of child care and chauffeuring for your children with your ex. Pony up and be grateful.
ext2523 - :- YTA You have five kids and an ex wife. She has two kids.>In addition, I have to pay for half of our joint household expenses (ie mortgage, utilities, food) and my own car. Stacey pays for the majority of expenses for our children.
So she's already paying the other half and the majority of her children's expenses? What exactly would be her fair share then? Edit: Apparently a bunch of people are still confused. "Child support" is just a baseline amount for OP to contribute.
Stacey, is paying for private school, she isn't asking OP to split that AND pay for Hannah's child support.
countrybumpkin1969 - :- YTA. You should have gotten a vasectomy if you can’t support all those kids. Three are Hannah’s and two are Stacy’s but all five are yours.
The original poster (OP) is facing severe financial strain due to the high cost of supporting children from a previous relationship while adhering to his current wife's strict financial boundaries regarding their shared household and step-parenting roles.
The central conflict arises because the wife maintains that the OP's three older children are solely his financial and logistical responsibility, yet she benefits from his labor in caring for them and demands financial parity for her own children's expenses, creating an unsustainable economic situation for the OP.
Is the OP justified in demanding his wife contribute financially to shared household expenses, given her higher income and active role in caring for all the children, or is the wife correct in rigidly enforcing the boundary that all expenses related to the OP's previous children are exclusively his obligation?
This situation forces a debate between financial partnership in a blended family versus adherence to pre-established, self-defined roles regarding parental responsibility.