AITA For not siding with wife after she took my daughter's diary?
In the fragile mosaic of a newly blended family, the silent wounds of mistrust and misunderstanding fester beneath the surface.
Madison, a tender-hearted twelve-year-old, clings to her diary as a sanctuary for her unspoken pain, a fragile shield against the storm brewing between her and her stepmother, Nora.
Despite her quiet respectfulness, the invisible chasm between them only deepens, threatening to unravel the delicate threads holding their world together.
The breaking point shatters the fragile peace when Madison's private sanctuary is invaded—her diary seized and her trust betrayed. The echoes of their confrontation scream through the walls, laying bare the fractures in this family’s foundation.
In that raw moment, the line between protector and adversary blurs, leaving a father caught in the crossfire of love, loyalty, and the desperate need to heal what has been broken.
Me M38 got married to my wife (Nora) F31 five months ago, My daughter (Madison) F12 from my previous marriage is currently living with me and my wife.
My daughter is not on good terms with my wife, there is constant tension between the two even though my daughter has been very respectful and keeps to herself.
My daughter Madison has a diary where she expresses her thoughts and feelings and write about what bothers her without having to bother anyone with listening. It's her choice to do that and I respect her wanting her own space.
Last week, while I was at work, Madison called me and she was crying, she told me that her stepmom took her diary and read through it, and refused to give it back, she said she wanted me to come home immediately.
I got home to find Nora and Madison having a screaming match, I asked what was going on and Madison told me that her stepmom snooped around in her room, took her diary and refused to give it back, Nora denied and said she had no idea what my daughter was talking about.
I asked my daughter to confirm it but she didn't she just kept saying her stepmom took it, and must've hid it cause it was gone that morning.
Nora said she didn't do it, I got stuck I didn't know what to do, my daughter told me to look for it, I started looking thinking she might've forgotten where it was, And I was surprised to find it in our bedroom, I gave Madison her diary back and lied about where I found it, I secretly confronted Nora about it, but she broke down and said that I was supposed to comfort and support her because she read the awful stuff Madison said about her in her diary.
I told her she was in the wrong for taking Madison's diary in the first place and causing an issue. She got mad at me and went on about how she was treated and how I was supposed to defend her from this much hate and resentment.
I walked out the bedroom, Nora stayed there all day and refused to eat dinner, I brought her dinner upstairs but she refused to take it. I bought Madison a small box to keep her important stuff in so she won't lose them. Madison and Nora don't even talk to each other.
I don't know if I handled this situation properly my wife is so pissed at me and disappointed that she's hurting and I didn't do anything to make it right.
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HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.:
The community had thoughts — lots of them. From tough love to thoughtful advice, the comment section didn’t disappoint.
likewhatevertho - :- NTA for the question posed, but I do think Y T A for essentially gaslighting Madison by lying about where you found the diary and then getting her a box so she doesn’t “lose” things.
Madison correctly believed your wife had STOLEN from her, which she HAD, and you chose to invalidate this reality, presumably to try to not cause even more damage to their fractured relationship.
This wasn’t for Madison’s sake since she clearly already dislikes and distrusts Nora (rightfully so, it would seem), this was so that you could keep both ~women you love~ in your life and on good terms rather than tell Madison the truth that she was right and have to deal with further fall-out.
Making your daughter think she was wrong that she had been stolen from and that she had wrongfully accused Nora unfairly is NOT good parenting.
I would have to think long and hard if I wanted to stay married to someone who treats my 12-year-old in such a way as to warrant my child to write about her negatively in that diary...
only to have my wife STEAL it, LIE to my daughter, LIE to ME, and then expect my sympathy for their abominable behavior, going so far as to say that you should side with her over your own child.
Lol no wait I wouldn’t think long and hard, I would protect my child&divorce that wife immediately ☺️❤️🤦♀️ EDIT: OP, if you read this you’ll find a TON of comments under it, most reiterating what I said, and probably too many for you to read.
BUT I HIGHLY recommend you scroll through and find the comments from all the stepchildren talking about the relationships (or lack thereof) they now have with the parents who didn’t stand up for them enough to make them comfortable in their own homes and chose instead to enable their new spouses.
Whether I’m able to convince you or not, you should take the time to read the accounts people shared, to at least understand the road you’re setting up for your future relationship with Madison.
THANK YOU kind redditors for the barrage of awards, and for sharing all your stories ❤️ I hope you’ve all found wonderful people who bring you joy in life, whether they be your biological family or not.
foibleShmoible - :- YTA Not for not siding with your wife; she was 100% in the wrong, but for this:>I was surprised to find it in our bedroom, I gave Madison her diary back and lied about where I found it, I secretly confronted Nora about it You *lied* to Madison, thus making out that she was in the wrong for accusing Nora, and so Nora will not apologise to her for what she did, and Madison will never know for certain that your wife completely broke her trust and now knows her inner thoughts.
You let your daughter down so fucking much. She deserves the truth, an apology from each of you, and you need to make very clear to Nora that this kind of shit will not stand. That she needs to respect your daughter, and that you will put your daughter's wellbeing first.
fuzzyfuzzyfungus - :- Wow, YTA. Such YTA. Edit: the TL;DR here is that you *did* side with your wife here.
Apparently you didn't also make enough soothing noises for your wife's alarmingly brittle feelings; but you backed up her lie to your daughter, concealed the evidence concerning the diary; and acted as though your daughter had simply lost it.
Apparently your wife wants more; but you 100% betrayed your daughter in favor of your wife, full stop.
There is "constant tension" between your wife and your daughter despite the fact that daughter is "very respectful and keeps to herself"; wife decides to go for the so-classic-it's-a-cliche privacy violation; wife then lies to your face, and your daughter's; you find solid evidence that your wife was lying.
Then you also lied to your daughter and even rubbed it in by getting her a little box to stop her from 'losing' things? This, truly, is a man who "respect[s] her wanting her own space".
It sounds like your wife is being an asshole as well; if you stabbing your own daughter in the back that hard, and covering for her petty awfulness despite her lying to you about, it wasn't enough to placate her; but man have you screwed over your daughter here.
Your wife is also being impressively terrible here, so you aren't strictly the only asshole; but there are definitely assholes here; and there's no evidence of obvious assholery on your daughter's part, so YTA is the closest option in absence of an everybody-except-your-daughter-sucks choice.
Sport_Ancient - :- ESH except Madison. * Your wife sucks big time for basically throwing a flaming grenade on *any* hope of a healthy relationship with your daughter.
She purposely shattered your daughter's privacy -- one of the few private, intimate outlets a child has. And then she lied to you *and* your daughter and tried to gaslight her to get out of it.
* It's very concerning about your wife's maturity levels that she even *wanted* to snoop into a 12-year-old's thoughts about her -- and then thought she's the one who needs comforting.
That's not the relationship an adult has to a child, it's the relationship a teen has to a fellow teen. * You suck for not addressing the "constant tension between the two".
Twelve is an incredibly sensitive and formative age, you just got married 5 months ago, and I'm assuming something went south with your daughter and her biological mother? Clearly your daughter needs someone to confide in.
Private and family therapy is in order -- to help your daughter with this transition, to help your wife get to the bottom of her own insecurities and invasive behavior, and to help you both be stronger parents.
* I don't know how your wife will ever build trust with your daughter. She's gone out of her way to prove that she doesn't deserve it.
HelenDamnnation - :- N T A for the question posed, but YTA for not immediately telling Madison the truth--you gaslit your poor kid who was already traumatized by the massive violation. She knows who took it. Now she knows that daddy is her enemy who is fine with it.
And a box? How the hell is that supposed to protect Madison from your thieving, controlling horror of a wife that you're inflicting on her?
DeterminedArrow - :- Info: why did you lie about where you found it? Madison knew that Nora had taken her diary. Why wouldn’t you at least confirm that with her?
BondageHappy - :- NTA. Your wife had no right to read her diary. She also has no right to be pissed that you didn't defend her or do "anything to make it right". The only person who needs to be making this situation right is her. She needs a reality check.
If I were you, I would start demanding marriage counseling because these problems are going to keep popping up if your wife can't respect your daughter and accept her as part of her new family.
I don't even know why you would want to marry someone who didn't view your daughter as family. I think that you are really failing your daughter here.. I'm sure this isn't the first instance like this that has occurred.
The father found himself caught between the privacy rights of his daughter and the emotional distress felt by his new wife, who believed she was being attacked through the diary entries.
The core conflict rests on the father's choice to side with his daughter's need for privacy and safety over immediately validating his wife's feelings of being targeted and unloved.
Given the established tension and the breach of privacy, was the father's decision to secretly confront his wife and then lie about finding the diary the right way to support both parties, or should he have addressed the boundary violation publicly first?
Should the wife's emotional reaction to the diary contents supersede the daughter's right to personal privacy?