When Ella’s boyfriend, Mark, was finally invited to a family event, the poster was shocked to discover Mark was 36, nearly double Ella’s age. The situation escalated quickly when Ella announced they were engaged. The poster reacted strongly by swearing and calling the relationship inappropriate, leading to accusations from the family that he ruined the celebration, leaving him questioning his reaction and concerned for his niece’s future.
I (33m) have a pretty big age difference with my brother (44m). He had a child at 25, which means that I became an uncle at 14. Because we were pretty close in age, I formed a special bond with my niece, Ella (now 18f).
When she was 16, my brother and his family moved away so I’ve been seeing them less recently, but we keep in touch and catch up at family events.
Last year, at Christmas, my niece told me that she had a boyfriend and told me a bit about him, but I didn’t know the guy. He was invited for Easter and a couple of other events, but was never able to make it.
When we were planning our mother’s birthday, my brother decided to invite Ella’s boyfriend so that we could all meet him.
Yesterday was the birthday. I was looking forward to meeting Mark (Emma’s boyfriend), but was very confused when I saw her walk in with a man that looked double her age (spoiler alert: he is).
She introduced him to me, and I politely smiled but was deep down very concerned. I went to my brother to ask how old Mark was and he told me that Mark is 36, so literally double Ella’s age.
She had told me that he was “a bit older” but I assumed like early to mid twenties, not almost 40. That’s when they called us in the living room to share “exciting news”. Ella showed us a ring and revealed that they were engaged.
I just said “what the fuck” and everyone turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that they were out of their minds if they thought this was normal, that there was no world in which a 30 something should date an 18yo, and that she shouldn’t be getting married.
All of them accused me of ruining Emma’s happiness. Some even said that I was jealous of Mark, which is so fucking disgusting I can’t even explain it. I mean, I’m younger than Mark, but never in a million years would I ever consider dating someone younger than 25.
They told me that it was perfectly legal as they were both adults, which isn’t true because they’ve been dating for a year and Emma turned 18 7 months ago, and that if they were happy that’s all that matters.
I told them that they were sick for allowing this and that he was a predator but they wouldn’t listen. I know this isn’t my business, but I can’t help but fear for Ella. She is young and doesn’t really know what she’s getting into.
I’m really scared of her getting married and being unable to leave him when she realizes how sick it was. I then left and slammed the door, and have been receiving pretty wild messages and calls since then.
I don’t know if I was wrong for this and am just overreacting, and if I wasn’t wrong I don’t know what I can do to make them realize how wrong it is. AITAH?
Conclusion
The poster is experiencing significant emotional conflict stemming from his protective feelings toward his young niece and the strong disapproval he feels regarding her engagement to a much older man. While the family focuses on the legality and the couple’s happiness, the poster is focused on the potential for future harm and the perceived inappropriateness of the significant age difference.
The central question is whether the poster was justified in publicly expressing extreme disapproval over his niece’s engagement based on the age gap, or if his actions constituted an overreaction that damaged family relationships. Readers must weigh the value of fiercely advocating for perceived safety against respecting the autonomy of two legal adults.
Here’s how people reacted:
Or, they are predators going after young girls that they have groomed.
The fact that the father is OK w/this is concerning. Not just the father… anyone who cannot see that the guy is a predator (regardless of if he is not insecure) going after such a young woman is a problem.
Years ago we had a family gathering at my wife’s aunts house. The aunt had 3 kids, boy (19)/ boy (17)/ girl “Sue” (16). The daughter was going on a date later that night. A car pulled up and honked and she went to head out the door. My overbearing brother-in-law (BiL) stood in front of the door and asked Sue why her BF wasn’t coming to the door. She said something about being in a hurry. He then started grilling her brothers asking why they’d allow a young man to disrespect their sister by not even coming to the door.
The eldest stated that the guy was 22 so he didn’t have anything to do w/the guy.
When my bro-in-law and I heard that she was going out w/a 22 year old we turned our attention to Sue. I asked her what was wrong w/the guy that he couldn’t date women his own age. BiL wouldn’t get out of the way until she answered the questions. This whole exchange took maybe one minute, but it felt longer. She was making excuses about how much they have in common, how mature she is, the typical BS older guys tell younger girls.
Sue went on the date and once she was out of the house, the attention was back on her brothers. BiL wasn’t going to let them get away w/out looking out for Sue. (the mother and father were a bit self centered/aloof)
I know that people use “buzzwords” or whatever these days, and they often use them incorrectly, but with this man, I suffered emotional, physical, and financial abuse, coercive control, he was a narcissist. The trauma I suffered at his hands… He isolated me from family and friends, beat me, raped me… He stalked me, wouldn’t let me work, wouldn’t let me go out without him…
Now I know that an age gap is not indicative, in itself, of what I went through, but it sure as hell is suspicious. He wants a pretty young girl on his arm—a trophy wife. He wants someone who is malleable, impressionable, and he can mould her into being whoever/whatever he desires.
I’m not trying to project here, and this Mark guy could be the total opposite of what Paul was to me. But it bears thinking about.
You’re not the AH for thinking this dude is skeevy, maybe preying on young, impressionable women. But the reaction itself… I know what fuelled it, but it wasn’t the best way to get your point across. She’s 18, she’ll double down and dig her heels in. The more you point things out, even though it’s just as a concerned uncle, the more she will pull away. Thus the isolation from her family begins… possibly, if he’s anything like my ex from Hell.
It really helped to drive home the weirdness and creepiness of the situation
You need to put aside your revulsion as hard as that maybe, and befriend the dude
When she starts talking about the wedding, ask her “what’s the rush? You’re so young, you need to travel the world, go to college, go to the clubs!”
Try and really drive home what she will be missing out on if she rushes down the aisle, without making it sound like you’re doing so
Is there somewhere she’s always want to travel to? Bring that up. “I thought you always wanted to visit Japan during the Cherry Blossom festival?”
It may not work, but you need to stay in contact with her, because she’s going to need you on her side when things go sideways
Ask her to meetup for coffee, just the two of you. Ask her what she sees in him, what they have in common. It’s probably all superficial stuff, which is fine when you’re a teenager, but not great for long term commitment moment. Try to encourage a long engagement. Encourage her to go to school/stay in school or get a full time job
If he shows up for coffee, point out that you’re concerned he doesn’t let her go anywhere solo. And what he’s doing isn’t love, is controlling
Send her this link
http://loveisrespect.org
There is only one person looking out for your niece. That person is you. I’m sorry to inform you of this, but you alone will likely not be able to overcome her entire family cheering her on to ruin her life, not to mention the nearly 40 year old man who has groomed her. At this point, you most likely cannot prevent the oncoming disaster; rather, you must prepare to mitigate the damage. Do not alienate or berate her. Tell her you will always be there for her for whatever she needs, she can always turn to you.
Of course, tell her the truth. Tell her that this is not right, that she is far too young to be engaged to anyone at all, let alone a 36 year old, and ask her why she thinks this man started showing interest in a high schooler at 35 years old. Ask her why he doesn’t look for someone closer to his own age. Tell her, without implying that she’s stupid, that is young and inexperienced, and as a result she cannot see the red flags that the adult women who refuse to date him can. Explain to her that starting a family now means she will never be able to establish independence, that this man will have irrevocable power over her possibly forever.
Can you do some digging into this guy’s background? Has he ever been married, who are his friends, what does he do for a living, find out stuff about his ex’s. Check if any info comes up about him for any of the laws named for victims of domestic violence, abuse, etc. I think it’s likely you’d find something dodgy there. No decent man of that age would date an 18 year old. I’m a bit older than him and if any of my guy friends brought an 18 year old to something as his date, I’d be telling them exactly how creepy it is.
Did your family say all of that in front of your niece? If it was, they could well be playing a long game, giving their ‘approval’ and hoping your niece will get over the initial thrill of dating a much older guy and that it will fizzle out. Or pretending so that she doesn’t push them away and cut them off, so they can keep an eye on the situation and help her if it goes south. Talk to a few in private, especially your brother. Maybe they do feel exactly the same way as you do but they have a plan. And if you do find sketchy things if you look into him, tactfully share them with her parents. Don’t go in guns blazing.
Thank you for saying that old loud. It’s genuinely alarming that none of your family sees what you see, especially your brother. If I’d brought home at 35yo when I was 17yo, my father would have probably ended up in prison. Why doesn’t he want to protect his daughter?
Because no one is acting like this is wrong, your niece believes that it’s right. Stick to your guns. Tell your family how ashamed you are of them for enabling this predator to groom your niece. Tell your niece that if she ever needs an escape route, you will help her at once. And please warn any other young girls in the family or close to the family that these are not good people.
Anyone who is capable of enabling a predator is capable of being one – or more likely, is already one themselves. The immediate reaction being to accuse you of jealousy is very telling about their view of young girls. It sounds like projection. If you have children, I’d recommend you keep them very far away from your relatives.
Emma’s family definitely knows that this isn’t healthy. But they are acting as if this is great because they don’t want to push Emma away. They want to ensure that Emma knows they have her back so that when shit hits the fan and she needs to escape Mark, she knows that she has a safe place with them.
You need to calm down and have a rational conversation with your brother and his wife to discuss the situation. But also tell Emma that although you disapprove of the relationship, you will always have her best interest in heart and that if she ever needs you help, you’ve got her.
You really just have to make an effort to act like nothing is wrong and be supportive so that Mark doesn’t seclude her away from the support of her friends and family.
Outside of those conversations, there really isn’t much else that you can do, unfortunately.
– call your niece and apologize for your outburst; explain that you have never known a good man of that age to go after someone so young and you reacted out of fear. Tell her you trust her to put herself first and you are always there for her. This is important. It’s pretty much guaranteed that she is or will be a victim of this man’s abuse so make it clear you’re ride or die. This is part of your insurance against isolation.
– call your brother and apologize for your reaction. Then, act like he must be concerned. Act concerned for him; “how are you managing this? You must be so scared for her. It must have been awful to realize you couldn’t protect her.” yep, lay on the shame by pretending to be concerned and empathetic.
– **find out how and where they met**. Pretend to be interested in a cute way. Awww how did you meet?
– if this man is in any sort of job that brings him near minors, report him
– do a social media search. Is he recently divorced, etc.
I know I am generalizing, and there are cases of true and helthy love between people with this kind of age gap, but my reaction is the same as yours.
This likely puts you on the outs with your family, but someone had to say what you said
If the school, had known about this relationship when she was still 17 they would have reported it to the authorities. They are mandatory reporters and Casanova would’ve gone to jail. It’s not like he was 18 and she was 16 or some shit like that. He is a middle-aged man dating a barely legal girl. All you can do is be there for her if something happens because no one else will be obviously. Poor kid.
Ella and Mark’s age difference does not mean he is a predator or she is a gold digger. Give them a chance and let them live their own lives.
You are certainly NTA for the way you feel.
BUT
The way you reacted was hardly helpful and was certainly never going to get the outcome you wanted. If anything, it will make Emma get her back up and be more determined to marry him than ever.
Any chance you had to talk to Emma, her BF or your family has probaly flown out the window. All they are going to remember is your visceral reaction.
I will probably be best if you just stay out of this situation unless you are directly asked about it.
The reality is that these relationships always, always, always have severe power imbalances which almost always lead to significantly negative outcomes. When a person is a legal adult they can make their own decisions and I don’t think any laws should be changed, but I fully support using social pressure and judgement against men that do this shit.
They can counsel her, but they risk alienation if they push too hard. She will more than likely have to find out on her own like I did. Fortunately I got out of that hell hole early, but I weighed only 84 pounds. Hopefully her parents can counsel her into waiting. I certainly hope so.
Also disgusting of your family to imply you are jealous of you OWN NIECE!
Anyway the man is walking red flags but you should keep trying to keep in touch with your family/niece and be her getaway car when needed.
Categorical “what the fuck? He is an predator!” has more chance to make her stop than polite conversation about your concerns.
And legality of their relationship that has started 2 years ago is at least debatable.
The most important thing you can do is get her on birth control because he’s going to destroy her life.
Not that your opinion is wrong.
Her choice of partner is none of your business.