Caught between love and resentment, he grapples with his mother’s guilt-inducing response, questioning if his desire to protect his parents from further pain makes him the villain. His story is a poignant exploration of family loyalty, unspoken wounds, and the painful sacrifices made when love is not equally returned.
I (M35) have the oportunity to help my parents who are (64) by buying them a home so they don’t have to stress about rents being thru the roof but i told them if i do this for them i don’t want my brother (42) to move in with them at any point, to wich my moms response was “why don’t you want to help him?” I told her that when i was going thru the lowest point in my life he was doing really good but never even tried to help my family and I.
My mom has always helped my brother more, i mean her world is him and his kids, I have always seen that she loves him more than me and i have come to be ok with it since i can’t force her to love me as much as i would like even tho it hurts.
I really would love to help my parents but i feel like my mom is upset that the help doesn’t include my brother and i feel like she will try and make me feel guilty about it so that is why i need to know if I am the asshole.?
Conclusion
The original poster is caught in a difficult situation where his generous offer to secure housing for his parents is directly challenged by his mother’s insistence that the aid must extend to his brother. This highlights a core conflict: the OP wants to provide necessary financial support based on his terms, while the mother views the help through the lens of equal, unconditional familial support, leading to guilt-tripping.
Given the history of perceived favoritism towards the brother, is the OP justified in placing a condition on his financial assistance to protect his own boundaries and emotional well-being, or does the act of helping parents necessitate unconditional support that overrides past grievances?
Here’s how people reacted:
However, it seems your decision comes from a place of unresolved pain and a bit of spite. You are making a valid decision for bad reasons. There is no suggestion at this time your brother needs your help and he has a lot of commitments of own. In time, you may want him to move in to support your parents part of the time. Spent a year myself doing that part-time.
Try and detangle financial and emotional responses. And reddit cliche but talking through the emotional bit with someone may help.
1. Are you buying a house to let them live rent free or are you handing over ownership of the house?
2. Is your brother in need of help now, or are you anticipating some future need?
3. Have you considered that your parents see you as more resilient and better equipped to deal with life than your brother and that is why they have resorted to helping him more in the past?
4. Playing devil’s advocate, sit with this thought…could you be the bigger person and agree to help your brother despite him not helping you in the past? (It would make you look better in the eyes of all.)
But ultimately, I don’t know if you can say you can’t let the brother live there at all, ever. It seems like you’re trying to buy their favour, but giving them ultimatum won’t change anything.
It’s a lovely thing to do though
If you title it in their name then they can leave it to your brother in their wills and you are out that investment.
Doubtful your parents would even appreciate this gesture based on the favoritism you mention.
Trying to buy their love is a silly thing to do.
You shouldn’t raise the issue at all if those are the conditions. It’s fine you don’t want to help them if they keep doing what they’ve always done. You should just keep quiet and let them get on with being what they are.
NTA