This is a great example of when unconditional love isn’t enough. You can love someone with your whole heart, but if their heart is failing, then the marriage will crumble. I don’t know whether it’s more devastating when the heart failure is literal or relational, but I hope you have a good support system to help you heal.

Love can’t fix people. It’s one of the hardest truths of any relationship. Love can inspire change and reward effort. Love can reinvigorate or provide external support. But ultimately, if a person is unable or unwilling to change then love can’t sustain that relationship. That’s why even loving marriages fail when the other elements of a committed relationship are missing. As long as his inner child seeks comfort instead of growth, your efforts to love him into health are enabling his depression.

You could discuss separation. It isn’t good for kids to see their father actively killing himself with food. It can inspire long term trauma with food in their own life. More- they deserve to know what a healthy relationship looks like, and you taking on all the responsibilities with none of the support isn’t great for how they’ll learn to view a relationship.

A separation would do whatever a ultimatum could do, but without the coercion. My hope for y’all is he takes on the challenge of his health and faces his own demons, allowing both of you to reinvest in the relationship. If not, the separation becomes a divorce. Either way, you will have the space to figure out who you are without having the extra hardship of a high school sweetheart who never took responsibility for his own wellness and well-being.

I would take him to counseling first. Or at the very least try to get into his head that sleep apnea is literally destroying his brain. Each time they do that ‘stop breathing’ thing it causes a lack of bloodflow to the brain, forcing the brain to jerk the person awake to gasp for air. This can happen multiple times in an hour.

If you can’t get him into counseling, and he won’t listen, then you have to decide if you want to watch him deteriorate, because he will if he doesn’t treat it. My husband’s uncle did this exact thing, only at a smaller BMI (he’s Indian, they get health issues at a lower weight than, say, me who is Nordic). The man ended up in such a brain fog he lost his job, had to rely on his kids, and ended up passing from a stroke because his blood pressure got too high (watering it down). His eldest son found him. The same eldest son had to live with me and husband for a while because it was so traumatic to find his dad like that, he could barely function.

Ultimatiums don’t work, but an open discussion on boundaries does. The boundary in this case is “I need you to lose weight so you can stay with me and remain healthy and both of us to be happy, if you cannot do that, and don’t want to go to therapy, then x will happen”. Whether that x is a separation or full on divorce is up to you, but it should be after everything else is exhausted imo.

Ultimatums will not work. He has to want to lose weight for himself, not for you, your children or anyone else.

My husband has a pattern of having extraordinarily high blood pressure, getting sick from it, being put on meds, taking them for a while then stopping.

In 2021 he was hospitalized and his kidneys were shutting down. He swore that was his wake up call.

Fast forward to last year I was cleaning his bathroom and found YEARS worth of his blood pressure meds unused. He was getting them filled to make me think he was taking them.

That was my breaking point.

I no longer care if he takes them or not. He’s close to Stage 3 kidney failure yet refused to see a kidney specialist. Before I’d look at his medication case to make sure he was in fact taking his meds but I stopped. I resent him for ignoring his health but he’s a grown ass adult and I’m not his mother.

We’re in our mid 50’s and I refuse to have to be his nurse in my older years. I want to travel and enjoy life, not be stuck at home because he needs dialysis three days a week.

Call me heartless and cruel and how I need to honor my wedding vows. I just don’t care.

This is a food addiction my friend, it has nothing to do with food per se, food is just his current drug of choice, there is something deeply wrong inside of him and he is eating to fill that void, and until the mental health issues are dealt with, he is not going to improve, because food is the only thing that makes him feel good right now, thats why he wont take the weightloss drugs, its like giving a heroin addict suboxone when they arent ready to quit, they’ll just quit the suboxone and go back to the drugs.

He needs to be in therapy, but honestly until hes ready, even that will be a hard sell, because right now there is no crisis, hes found an equilibrium and his system is gonna resist anything that throws that off.

Imo, you will probably need to leave for his own sake, because until something serious happens to wake him up, it wont change, people rarely make changes when there’s not a sword at their back.

NTA, but you cant keep enabling him, something has to give. As long as he can keep pretending life is all good, with you picking up his slack, hes gonna remain the way he is.

NTA. He is going to die early. That is a fact. You can’t force someone to care about their life and health… I tried. Refusing to follow drs orders, refusing to be compliant on meds. After I left him, he got the help he needed. Sit him down and tell him that you cannot watch him kill himself any longer. Tell him If he doesn’t care enough about his children to be around for them in the future, then you can’t stay and let them watch him die. You might want to do this with his friends and family who are also concerned in an intervention way. It is not rude to care about someone’s health. Focus on health, not weight. He has some very serious health conditions. Then take action. Take a separation and try marriage counseling. Hopefully this will wake him up before you have to file for divorce. Good luck. Update me

Openly talk to him about life insurance and a living will. Make sure all those things are in order and then just let him do whatever he wants. Absolutely do not babysit him. He’s an adult. If he doesn’t want to take his pills then he doesn’t have to. I say this as a nurse that deals with chronically ill patients (mostly hypertension and diabetes), some of which are the age of your husband. I’ve seen so many wives develop chronic conditions of their own from the stress and self neglect caused by trying to force their husbands to be healthy. Just stop. Take care of yourself and your kids. Offer to involve him in whatever you’re doing, but you have to let go of your expectations and just live your life.

Food addiction is the worse one, because indeed you need to eat to live, so you just can’t stop it

The real issue here is what underlies below his addiction and it might be an undiagnosed depression or ADHD

But since your husband says “he didn’t think he needed (the medication)” for diagnosed conditions, if you suggest he consult a mental health specialist he will say you are the crazy one

Sometimes you just have to drive them to the edge so they realize they are fvcking it up. What I would do if I was in your shoes is tell him you love him, but you just can’t witness how he’s slowly killing himself, so you’re moving out with your kid. Sometimes though love is the only choice

If you’re doing to throw out an ultimatum you better be prepared to back it up with action. It would be very frustrating to have a partner who did not care at all about their health. How is yours? Maybe concentrating on your own healthy lifestyle will be a good example and an incentive for him. Counseling is a good option but if you really don’t want to watch him kill himself with inaction then follow through and move out (or move him out) and start divorce proceedings. It may not be enough to change him or he may not be taking you seriously because you’ve thrown out deadlines before but not followed through.

I had a fiancé like this but to be fair he was big from the get go. I loved him dearly. I tried and tried to help him live healthier and lose weight. I ended up hr asking off our engagement as I couldn’t bare to be a young widow and lose him. Unfortunately, he gained more weight and had a heart attack in his 30s that killed him. He left a wife, an infant son and 2 stepchildren. It still makes me emotional to think about as I did truly love him so dearly. No advice OP. Just some perspective from someone in a similar position and virtual hugs to you. It’s a hard position to be in.

Start shopping for a large life insurance policy for him, tell him you can’t make him be healthy, but you can make sure his children are taken care of when he dies. Don’t nag him, remind him, force him, or cajole him. Just prepare for what he is offering and don’t hide it. Get two of those books that you can record yourself reading and ask him to do them so the kids have a record of his voice. Recognize his autonomy to live his life the way he wants, but your thinking of the welfare of your children in regard to his life choices.

Morbid obesity (not to be confused with being a little bit over weight) is a mental health issue firstly, and should be treated as such. It sounds like you have tried to see it from that perspective but he is unwilling to take the actual professional help available to him. Unfortunately, you can’t fix this for him, and he hasn’t hit the “rock bottom” yet. Perhaps separating yourself from him will be the wake up call he needs, but prepare yourself in case it isn’t. You are definitely NTA.

Yeah, try the ultimatum thing and see what happens. Your husband is responsible for his health, not you. Doesn’t matter if you’re married. If a man posted this with regard to his wife, you would all be up in arms screaming. The more you badger him, the worse it will get. He HAS to choose it himself. Imagine how you would feel if HE gave you an ultimatum to lose weight. So, you don’t want to be a widow, but you WILL divorce him- how does that make sense?

Ultimatums are a shit way to go about anything, and most people do not react well to being given them and tend to make rash choices over it.

Couples counseling with a truly neutral counselor is what you two need. He needs to understand that you are concerned about his future with his family, and you need to see if there is a deeper cause to his weight gain such as depression.

Trust me here, as a guy with depression, we never talk about it.

Counseling. Ultimatums are not the answer, but if you want to end your marriage for the chance of him getting his ass in gear and being more motivated you can try. He could just as easily give up even more if you divorce him.

Couples therapy/counseling is your only real option atm. He won’t even listen to doctors.

This is incredibly frustrating and I wouldn’t blame you for being furious at him for not trying at all.

NTA. If he won’t do it for himself or for you that’s one thing but what example is he setting for those kids?

As a parent it’s your responsibility to do your best to be healthy and show your kids how to take care of themselves, their future families and to take health seriously.

If he’s not prepared to be a good example to the kids and to live long enough to see them grow then he should leave the family home now.

Honestly, it sounds less like a weight thing and more like a “he doesn’t care about staying alive for you and the kids” thing. You can’t force someone to want to be healthy, but you can decide you’re not gonna spend the rest of your life parenting your partner. An ultimatum might be harsh, but so is leaving you a single mom because he refuses to take basic care of himself.

Shock him by trying to buy a large term life insurance plan. If he is rejected it will because the insurance company thinks there is a better chance of him dying than living and it’s not coming from you. Then look for plans that don’t require a physical so when he croaks you get some cash.

I’m actually amazed you are pregnant!

To me, this sounds like a man who is killing himself because what he consumes is the only control he feels like he has over his life and that is a very clear symptom of disordered eating. Get him into therapy with someone versed in eating disorders and make it a hill
To die on because if you don’t, he will.

NTA My husband recently died at 52 because his excess weight resulted in sleep apnea, diabetes, high blood pressure which lead to congestive heart failure and kidney disease. He stopped taking his medication at one point too but was med compliant when he died. Tell your husband that’s where he is headed.

As a former fat person, motivation is everything. Perhaps you can suggest you do fun things together, 30 mins of walking in the morning, cleaner diet.
Perhaps helping with intermittent fasting or whatever else works for him.
Sometimes a partner is better than an adversary.
#justsaying

“I love him unconditionally, but…….”

Gaining 200lbs in 3-4 years certainlyndoesnt sound healthy, but perhaps something is going on. Depression, etc.?

Just when he likely needs u most, u pack up and leave? Sounds like u have conditions on that ‘unconditional love’

Ultimatums only work if you are willing to follow through on that. If he’s not willing to take the meds he’s prescribed or for you/your kids and not even himself then there’s nothing you can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

Only a matter of time before he is bedridden on my 600lb life… How did he even get you pregnant at almost 500 lbs!? I am surprised his willy wasn’t buried underneath his stomach, like logistically I don’t understand how that works.

Wow. If this was flipped the body positivity fanatics would absolutely eviscerate a man. I love him but will leave him because? This is wrong in sooooo many ways.

I’ll get down voted to hell but why did you have sex with him while he is this big, making a second baby?

Why do people continuously dig themselves in deeper holes??

Just divorce him. You want to spend your entire life dealing with this? Can you imagine raising kids with him?

You are young. Cut and run.

Does he have a medical condition that could have caused the weight gain? Gaining 200lbs in 3-4 years is very strange

I love him unconditionally, I’ll divorce him if he doesn’t lose weight… these two statements are contradictory.

Sounds like you want to impose a condition on your love. That may be reasonable. But it isn’t “unconditional”.

> But in the last 3–4 years, he’s put on over 200 pounds

Why on earth are you breeding with this man?

YTA

If you stay just make sure you have solid life insurance since he wants to gamble on his health like that.

If he chooses divorce it’s literally because he does not care about you enough to change

If you want different results then change your own behavior. You only control yourself.

You are to love him in sickness and in health re your vows .. so no …

Definitely havw him take out life insurance to benefit the children.

Guess your vows are just suggestions or conditions?

Don’t carry the weight you didn’t put on yourself

I don’t believe he’s your responsibility.