NTA

I was a SAHM for 10+ year with 4 kids. That was my choice. My husband supported that choice. We also split the domestic chores and he was a full parenting partner (when home from work, obv). I did some freelance and then part-time work to keep up skills and resume to rejoin the workforce after my youngest was in school. I ended up doing grad school (which was more hours than a full time job), and my husband, who was working at home 4 days a week by that time, took over more of the homefront things (school forms, drop-offs, dr appointments, etc.). Never once did my husband throw the fact that he made more money/all the money in my face or use it against me. He appreciated my contributions to the household and respected my dreams and aspirations. Now, I’m back to work in a great career, with a well-paid position.

OP, you are not a bad mom. Your husband just wants you under his financial control, and he doesn’t want to have to do any of the parenting or household tasks. You deserve better.

I also grew up with a mom who worked outside the home. She was a great mom. Choosing to SAH or WOH alone doesn’t dictate the quality of a parent.

Disparaging your partner because they won’t behave as you tell them to makes someone a terrible parent.

NTA. That was a chap shot by the husband. He needs a Cosmic Dope Slap from the universe. Not every woman desires or enjoys being a SAHM. He needs to understand that what you both have together is a partnership, not his way or the highway. It is disrespectful of him to throw money in your face. It is financial gaslighting and downright abusive. I hope you stand your ground. I am with you on working to have stimulation and have financial autotomy. Being a SAHM is mind numbingly BORING to me. It is not my jam either. Lastly, the husband needs to realize that if he drops dead tomorrow, you’d still need to work and provide. He needs to check himself first. 

NTA and you are not a crappy mother!

If it’s financially feasible for you to put your youngest in a day care and work then I say do it!

It honestly sounds like he sees you as a maid more than a partner and you need to sit down and have a discussion with him. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets aggressive while you’re talking so I hope you stay safe. Tell him how staying at home affects your mental health, and that just because he wants you as a SAHM doesn’t mean he gets to sit back and do nothing in the house. You are not his maid and in marriage he shouldn’t have expected one. 

I hope it works out for you!

Um, NO. After “many splits” where you were left with no job, no money, and him throwing “his” money in your face? I don’t even know why the heck you would stay married to this person. He wants you home cooking and cleaning and dependent on him because it gives him control over you. If I were you, I’d work as many hours as I could and put some money aside (in cash, not kept at home! Get a safe deposit box.) so you have “leaving money” if you need it.

I would tell him the reason you need to work is because of HIS behavior, and that you will never be fully dependent on him again.

30 & 39? Oldest is 11.. so you were 19 and he was 28? What the actual FUCK. Bc did you get pregnant right away or were together years prior when you were underage?

He’s financially controlling you. To keep you trapped. And leave when he wants to.

I would start taking cash out and saving it. Put it somewhere he’d never find or a trusted family member to hold.

Either way nta, and not a shitty mom. This is wild to read.id go to therapy for yourself bc I bet this man has done some wonders to your psyche you need to open your eyes to.

NTA – 
He isn’t calling you a crappy mother because you don’t want to be a SAHM.

He’s calling you a crappy mother because he wants to manipulate you into being stuck without a job and no money.

Ask him to go to marriage counseling and if he won’t,  go to counseling by yourself – because at some point you’re going to realize that a grown man in his late twenties  trapped a literal teenager into being his baby factory, and you’re going to want to start planning to leave.

NTA

So, he doesn’t care if you’re happy.  He just wants a housekeeper and cook.  And he wants you doing ALL the childcare so he doesn’t have to father his own children.  That’s not the behavior of someone who’s a good husband or father.

Don’t ever quit working again.  Make sure you keep money set aside in an account in just your name.  And get some birth control (without him knowing if necessary) so you can be done with the childbearing portion of your life. 

 

When you split up, which is frequently, he leaves you and your children with no money. He also wants you to quit your job and be financially dependent on him. This is financial abuse on his part. He is only calling you a crappy mother because he will use any possible ammunition to coerce you into once again being a SAHM who is financially dependent on him, which will allow him to continue to treat you poorly without you having any way to escape the situation. NTA.

NTA. My wife works and is an awesome mother and wife, and she and I split the chores. Your point about constantly splitting up is very well taken but even without that he’s being an asshole. He’d like to not have to do any chores. Guess what? We all have things we’d love. I’d love to have a private chef but that’s never gonna happen. He can hire a maid to do the chores if he wants.

Wow , your husband is an AH. We are not living in the 1950s . I prefer my wife to work . It helps her clear her head . I would prefer her happy and busy . I help as much as I can around the house . We both do things . I do more than her most of the time because she needs a break when she gets home . You do not need to be a SAHM if you don’t want to be .

Absolutely NTA, he’s using this as a method financially control and abuse you. Especially since he’s already done it by throwing the money in your face. If he has such a problem with household chores hire a maid since he makes more than enough money. Your mental health will only deteriorate if you continue to stay home and be controlled like that.

NTA. He didn’t expect the barely adult to grow up under his thumb. You’re very smart to continue working and keeping yourself financially secure.

I’m not this as an issue “hire a cleaner” would even help. I don’t think it’s even just that he doesn’t want to, it has to be you specifically.

You sure this is a marriage to stay in?

NTA. He’s abusing you financially and emotionally.

Keep your certifications current. Get more if you can. Learn as many new skills as you can. Keep your work history current as well.

Have a stash of FU money available that he doesn’t know about. Keep all of your, and the children’s, important documents in a safe place.

Your husband is the ass in this scenario. Tell him sure I’ll stay home when 50% of your paycheck is deposited in an account in my name only. That’s the only way and it’s non negotiable.

When he say no because he will, start referring to him as a crappy husband who refuses to provide for him family.

NTA. He’s calling you a bad mother to emotionally manipulate you into staying a SAHM because he doesn’t want you to be financially independent. It has nothing to do with your kids. Keep the job and start saving an emergency fund for yourself in case you separate again or you decide to leave.

NTA – this sounds like textbook controlling behavior. Your mental health should be his first concern. But clearly his needs are first. You can’t be a good mom unless you are mentally strong. Keep doing what you are doing because I think you will need the job experience In the future.

Hmm so he was 28 and baby trapped a 19 year old and insists you need to stay at home against your wishes and despite having already shown he holds his income over you and isn’t reliable as a partner hence the many splits?

And you had *more* children with him?

So you had your first kid at 19 with this guy… and he’s trying to coerce you to stay isolated and using his income to control you. That sounds more like a hostage situation than a marriage. Your husband is treating you like his broodmare not a partner.

Just divorce. He basically told you your mental well-being doesnt matter. You guys met too young. You grew up and became incompatible. Dont stay cause of the kids. Thats always worse. Work, save, leave and be happy.
Youre supossed to be partners.

NTA. Being a SAHM doesn’t absolve your husband of housework and childcare. He still needs to pitch in after work and on weekends.

You may be bedt off getting a ft job and leaving him as he’s financially and emotionally abusive

Four children at 30 years old? I would go insane in that position too. He’s trying to control you financially. You’re not a bad mother for allowing to be a 1950s housewife. Don’t back down on this for your own mental health.

NTA but your husband is. Tell him you’ll stay home Monday through Thursday and work Friday through Sunday if he’ll stay home and do all the cooking chores and childcare on those days. My bet is he wouldn’t last a day.

So your 3 kids were in school and you finally had a bit of freedom and a job… then suddenly pregnant with number 4.

I’m guessing it was unplanned by you, but very carefully planned by your husband.

NTA and if he has the dough, hire a housekeeper. It sounds like he really wants to have control. Don’t give up your job. You enjoy it and it one day could be your livelihood. Good luck.

Genuine question, because I honestly don’t understand: why did you continue to have child after child with someone you’ve split with repeatedly, who throws his money in your face?

“Also we have had many splits and I’m always stuck without a job and no money only for him to throw his money in my face.”
NTA. Your husband is definitely the asshole.

NTA, he’s actively trying to oppress you. If he makes that much he can hire a cleaner to absolve him of cleaning. Last I checked marriage wasn’t a jail sentence.

NTA

Financial abuse is a thing and he’s clearly trying to control you to not having your own financial independence

If he earns so much money you’ll be pretty sweet with his child maintenance payments. Get rid of this trash.

INFO: Does he want to be a stay at home dad, or is he a horrible father?
Either way, NTA.

You had many splits and still thought it was smart to have 4 kids by this man.

Well then

If money is not an issue then YTA. Straighten yourself out and be a good mother.

I wish you’d figured this guy out before reproducing with him. Oh well. NTA

Did you know any of this before you married or had a kid with him?

Your husband is financially controlling and abusing you.

I think a divorce is the appropriate answer

Nta your husband sounds controlling