When the call came from his mother in the dead of night, pleading for help, she faced a harrowing choice: to push through her fatigue and fear or to protect her own fragile spirit. Her refusal to enter his chaotic world that night was not coldness, but a heartbreaking surrender to the limits of her endurance — a silent cry for herself amidst the storm of his suffering.
I (35 f) recently separated from my fiancee (35 m) due to his excessive drinking, but we are still close and regularly see each other. After taking him to the ER overnight, I brought him home and he said he just wanted to chill solo so I left.
I attempted to message him, but didn’t hear back. This is unusual for him, however I wanted to respect his boundaries.
Late that night (~10 pm), my ex’s mom woke me up calling to ask me to go over there and check on him. (I had a key and she doesn’t.) I declined to because I had just been woken up and figured that he was just ignoring both of us because he was drinking.
And to be frank, I’m sick of the drinking and having to care for him. I’m sick of begging him to do things like get out of a urine soaked bed so I can try to get him clean and dry.
I’m sick of the relentless drunk screaming and crying. I’m burnt out.
She ended up calling for a welfare check and when the police came he was drunk and severely ill. The doctor said he probably would have died if he hadnt been brought in that night. It was to the point that the hospital refused to release him when he tried to leave AMA and got the police and county attorney involved to force him to stay.
His mom was pissed at me and refused to tell me so I only found out a couple of days later that he is in the ICU on a ventilator. I feel incredibly guilty that had it been in my hands alone, someone I care about would be dead so I came here to either relieve my guilt or be deservedly raked over the coals.
Conclusion
The original poster is grappling with intense guilt after refusing to check on their recently separated, heavily drinking ex-fiancen and subsequently leading to his mother calling for a welfare check. The core conflict lies between the poster’s understandable burnout, need for personal boundaries after caregiving fatigue, and the severe, life-threatening outcome of their ex-fiancen’s condition.
Was the poster justified in prioritizing their own need for rest and refusal to engage further in caretaking behaviors, despite the near-fatal result, or did the historical relationship and acknowledged concern override the right to maintain strict personal boundaries in that moment?
Here’s how people reacted:
Text him it’s over and all his property has been returned and then block him everywhere, block his family and remove and block them from all social media. You need to move on with your life and he and they will keep trying to draw you back in. They don’t want to deal with him so they want to pawn him off on you. Stop the insanity. He has shown you who he is, believe what you have seen. Don’t mitigate by saying he so wonderful when he’s not drinking. He is a drunk. If you don’t go complete NC they will never leave you alone. Change your cell number too and if you don’t own your home move to a new place.
You say ex, but s3x aside he’s getting the same GF treatment he always was and next time he might pass. You’re so involved when it does happen, which it will without intervention on the part of professionals and choice on the part of him. When it does it will always feel like this, whether you did everything “right” or not.
You can’t save him, that’s why you left him. Don’t be TA to yourself. This lack of control over the situation and fear of losing him may need counselling to get passed. Don’t mistake that fact he needs you for love, or your guilt for it. For once look after yourself the way you look after him and give that key to his mum. She’s looking for someone to be angry at and you don’t need that.
Hug yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself. Let him go.
He’s burning his bridges and he nearly drank himself to death. I hope for everyone’s sake, especially his, that this serves as a wake up call for him. You know better than I do that if it doesn’t nobody will be able to stop him from killing himself next time.
NAH
I know you care about him, but maybe to stop showing up when he’s drunk is for the best. While his drinking lost him his engagement, he hasn’t “lost” you. He may not realize what he’s doing to you.
You need to no contact these people and go to an Al-Anon group. And get therapy. This shit will destroy your life if you don’t get away from it. His healing journey is his own, and he has to come to it. As they say, keep your own side of the street clean.
Give his mom the key back and move on.
Unless he got medical help like he got after the welfare check, it was only a matter of time. Absolutely not you could have done. Keep your head up, this ISN’T on you at all!
Give his mother your key and tell him to piss off if you’re really done. When you take the trash you have to leave it on the curb and not bring it back in. Just my two cents.
The alcoholic. BTDT