A specific incident occurred during a group dinner where the friend grabbed his wife’s hand and slammed it on the table after she replied to something he said; she left shortly after, and he dismissed her distress by calling her a ‘crybaby.’ This incident led the narrator to recognize a serious problem and develop a strong negative feeling toward his friend. More recently, the friend falsely accused his wife of cheating after overhearing her giving directions to a delivery driver, leading to her requesting a divorce, leaving the narrator to question if their blunt response to the friend was appropriate.
So, my friend (27M) is married to a woman (24F). From what I know, his personality before marriage was very different from what it is now. After marriage, he gets angry quite easily and yells at his wife whenever something doesn’t go as planned.
He has even yelled at her in front of their families and friends.
Once, we were all having dinner, and he said something to her that I didn’t hear. She replied to him, and all of a sudden, he grabbed her hand and slammed it hard on the table. I could tell she was about to cry.
She left the dinner shortly after, and he told us, “Don’t worry, she’s just a crybaby.” We didn’t see her again that night. That was the moment I realized something was seriously wrong, and I started hating him for his behavior.
About a week ago, he called me, shouting, “THAT BITCH IS CHEATING ON ME RIGHT NOW.” I didn’t believe him and told him he was probably misunderstanding the situation. It turned out I was right—he was completely wrong.
His wife had ordered something online, and the delivery guy called her to ask for directions to their house. She was explaining how to reach their place when her husband overheard the conversation.
Later, he checked her call logs, saw an unknown number, and immediately assumed she was cheating.
Now, he’s telling me that she doesn’t want to forgive him and is asking for a divorce. I told him it’s entirely her right and that she should have divorced him the moment he hit her hand at the table.
He got angry and called me a homewrecker.
So, AITAH for saying that?
Conclusion
The narrator is currently in a conflict where they supported the wife’s decision to seek a divorce following severe emotional and physical mistreatment by the husband. The central tension lies between the narrator’s belief that the wife’s reaction to the abuse is justified and the friend’s angry accusation that the narrator is responsible for encouraging the split.
The core question for debate is whether the narrator was wrong (AITAH) for directly telling their friend that the wife is completely justified in leaving him, especially since the narrator believes the marriage should have ended the moment the physical abuse occurred, versus whether this directness was an unwarranted intervention.
Here’s how people reacted:
But more important than telling HIM all this stuff, you need to tell *HER* all of this!!! Telling him won’t make a difference in his behavior. And an abusers most effective tactic at keeping their victims from leaving or getting help is isolating them.
Did any body reach out to her after that dinner incident? Or did she get abused in front of witnesses without a single person speaking out against it? No wonder her husband feels like he can get away with this bs, he already *HAS* gotten away with it. How dehumanized must she feel right now to know that he can do whatever he wants to her and nobody will bat an eye.
What incredible strength she must have to take the steps to divorce him and wrench herself out from under his heel.
If your friends with the wife:
I would go low contact with the husband. Inform her that you are there for her as a friend if she needs someone to talk to when she is ready, but she should leave her husband for her own safety, the abuse will only get worse. When she leaves, I would no contact with him.
If you are not friends with the wife:
I would go no contact with him, but I still advise her to rethink her relationship. Her husband is abusive and will only get worse.
Please reach out to her and let her know you can br a witness for a restraining order.
Please let his friends and family know he is unstable and you are really worried he will hurt his ex.
Thank you for speaking out, it is so hard to speak up to those close to us about their behaviour but it does make the world a better place.
That was the end of it for me. That incident *alone* is a massive red flag and if he’s willing to do that in front of others…
Not only NTA, but you should probably try and help her escape what is obviously an abusive situation.
Something is wrong with your friend. He needs to learn how to respect a woman as an independent person, with thoughts and feelings.
Personally, I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that.
I would have called him an abuser, told her to call me whenever she wanted out, told him to eff right off and left.
Unless you spoke to her directly and said – go for it – you did not encourage anyone.
You told him that he didn’t deserve to have her. That’s all.
But obviously he doesn’t. And she should.
NTA
I can guarantee that if he’s comfortable abusing her in public, she’s getting a lot worse in private.
There’s the abuser, trying to downplay and dismiss their abuse.
NTA. I also hope you cut this abuser out of your life, too.
And good for her. I hope she runs far and fast and I hope he always steps on legos and that his socks are always damp.
where have i heard that before?
NTA