In the quiet struggle between inclusion and exclusion, the sister’s love is a beacon, navigating a world that questions her presence. Her silent strength and the delicate balance of respect and care reveal the profound depths of compassion that define their bond.
My sister is disabled and requires a companion when she goes out. She was invited by a woman in her dance class to a woman’s event in town. I drove her to the restaurant where the event was being held.
The restaurant was closed, and someone was standing by the door letting people in who were there for the event and turning people away who thought the restaurant was open. When we walked up she said I couldn’t go in because it was a woman’s only event.
I explained I was my sister’s companion because she needs assistance at times due to her medical condition, and she said that was fine and let us in.
My sister wanted to find the woman who invited her, so we went to look for her. We were stopped by a different woman who insisted I leave. I again explained that I was there to help my sister.
She asked what exactly my sister needed my help with. I asked my sister if she wanted me to explain the whole situation to the woman, and she shook her head, so I just said I help her with communication and navigation if and when she needs me to.
The woman said that me being there was making the other women uncomfortable and if my sister really needs medical assistance she should have brought a female companion to the woman’s only event.
I said we knew it was a woman’s event, but we didn’t know it was women only. My sister was getting uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and I asked her if she wanted to leave, she shook her head and indicated she wanted to sit down.
I led her to a chair, and the woman followed us. She asked if she should call 911, and said no, that she did not require medical intervention. Another woman came over to talk to the first, and I was focused on my sister and not really paying attention to them.
My sister calmed down and said she wanted to look for her classmate. The first woman yelled “She can talk! They were faking!”
My sister got embarrassed and indicated she wanted to leave. I said to the two women that my sister can talk but struggles with communication, especially conflict and that we were leaving because she wanted to leave.
The second woman apologized and asked my sister to stay and said there wouldn’t be more issues. She offered to go get her a plate from the buffet they had out. She said she didn’t want anyone to feel they were unwelcome because of their disability.
My sister decided to stay, and that woman left and asked the first woman to come with her.
My sister stayed for the event, and I helped her when she needed, but I got a lot of dirty looks. Afterwards, I was talking to my friends about the situation, and several of them said I was an asshole for not leaving.
They said I should have just told my sister that next time she needs to bring a woman as her companion. I feel like I was advocating for my sister, but am I wrong for that?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) acted as an advocate for their disabled sister, insisting on remaining at the event to provide necessary support, which directly conflicted with the expectations of some attendees who felt the OP’s presence violated the ‘women’s only’ rule and caused discomfort.
Was the OP justified in prioritizing their sister’s need for support over the event’s stated gender restriction, or should the OP have respected the boundaries of the women-only event and insisted their sister find a female companion for future outings?
Here’s how people reacted:
You’re not the AH at all. Even IF you both new it was women only, not everyone has a team of chaperones on standby. I only have my partner so why should I be excluded bc I don’t have a convenient available woman to be my chaperone?
Perhaps in future you could reduce the drama with a carer badge or a sticker saying chaperone. This could ensure people read it and then figure it out themselves instead of bombarding you both.
Your sister is amazing for holding her own. I would have probably had an epic meltdown and my meltdowns aren’t crying and hiding, they’re hyper verbal take downs that cause people to have breakdowns. In case this is confusing, I got mute if triggered, but I go into extreme self defence warrior mode when I feel threatened and I can’t control either.
Years ago, I took a college course where I was the only male in a class of 15ish women, including the instructor. The instructor actually enjoyed my presence because I brought a different and thoughtful perspective to the discussions. One week I had to miss a class for work and the next class I showed up to, some of the women said they preferred it being women only because they felt more free to discuss without “judgement”. Totally cool sentiment, but then one of them asked me to drop the class so they would feel less intimidated. I asked the rest of the class if that’s what they wanted, and all except 2 indicated that they would like me to drop the class. I then asked them to pony up $100 each and I’d drop the class. There were no takers…. I made sure to attend each class and be the first to arrive and last to leave lol.
I’m going to choose the opposite side of what the norm is here. You guys should’ve left when you realised it was an women only space. The “she’s faking it” comment was nasty but I’m glad she at least apologised and even volunteered to bring your sister food. Your sister can always go back for the next session with a female caregiver. There’s a reason they’re not comfortable having any men there. Let’s please respect women’s boundaries especially when it’s a space for them to get together and discuss women’s issues instead of pouring our own insecurities into the comments.
Your sister has the right to bring whatever gender carer she wants if her disability needs it. But equally the other women aren’t unreasonable in their expectations that a ‘womens only’ event actually be as such. As others have noted – it could have been a DV survivors event where your presence could be highly inappropriate.
I am disabled with an invisible chronic illness and the only person I feel comfortable receiving help from is my husband. The fact that they accused her of faking it is really messed up and I’m really upset on her behalf, especially since a major women’s issue topic is difficulty being taken seriously in medical settings. This could have been a learning opportunity for the able bodied women there but instead they chose to make a woman who needed help feel like a burden for needing assistance.
You were there to aid someone with a need, and that woman who was pursuing and persecuting you was WAY OUT OF LINE. Your sister’s needs were NOT her concern. Her disability(s) also not legal for the woman to demand an explanation.
WROnG ON SO MANY LEVELS
Also I don’t even want to think what would have happened if a trans woman came, something tells me she wouldn’t have been allowed
I’m glad your sister stayed and you were there for her.
What would they have done if a “non passable” trans woman had showed up?
You did right by your sister. Fucking harpies man…