Nta…not in any sense. Cutting him out should have been bare minimum. She should have done it after the wedding ( personally he’d be out the wedding if it was me) and told you. Yes you would have been pissed still but at least it was early enough that you guys could have worked through it and it would have shown she put you and the marriage first. But no she decided she knew better, she chose to kept it from you because she cared more about a friendship than her husband in that moment.

Ignore all the Redditor’s who spout this ‘she picked you’ you’re overreacting. You are not. Your wife lied to you for 5 years. She thought about the appearances of the wedding rather than your feelings. What is crazy is why she still has a close friendship with him after that. He was trying to ruin your relationship. If she said yes, you’d been left at the alter like a fool.

What people are glaringly ignoring is that it is still a problem 5 years later if he’s falling out with a gf over it. He wasn’t concerned about you when he fessed, he wasn’t concerned about her feelings when he fessed up. He shot his shot and hoped your wife had feelings back. Your wife is deluding herself if she thinks that they can still have the same friendship as before. She either enjoys knowing someone has deep feelings for her or she is just delusional that he’s as innocent as he is and they can move past something as big as that and it be ok.

And honestly everyone getting on you at yelling at her, she is stupid. She’s stupid to continue to carry on a friendship with someone actively trying to destroy her marriage, she stupid for putting appearances over her marriage. Yelling at her is understandable, she’s dishonest and trust me others would have said more colourful words than to her.

She’s started her marriage on a lie bottom line…wait until you find out that they’ve actually have a romantic past before you and she’s lied about that to.

YTA

You just cussed at your wife and gave her an ultimatum about something that happened years ago. You refused to listen to her explanation.

She hasn’t done anything wrong. She told you she had no feelings for him. Apparently this is true. Absolutely nothing you said here contradicts that. For her, they were strictly friends, no romance, no sex.

She didn’t tell you on the wedding day for pretty understandable reasons. She told him she didn’t have feelings for him and was marrying you. Going to you with this story or making some type of big “to do” about it would have altered the day. It would have taken a day that should have been focused only on the two of you and your shared love and made it about someone else instead. Why would she do that?

Maybe she should have told you about it afterward. But, it probably never seemed like the right time, especially after he eventually moved on anyway. It’s OK to be hurt that she never ended up telling you. It’s OK to tell her that it hurts you that she never confided this. It’s NOT OK to cuss at her or belittle her.

Similarly, it’s okay for you to not be comfortable with her continuing to be friends with this person. It’s OK for you to express to her how that friendship makes you feel and to ASK her to value your relationship and comfort more than that friendship. But then you need to listen to her response. It is not OK to just make a blanket ultimatum when, again, she has not actually DONE anything to violate your marriage vows.

If she declines to end the friendship, and you personally cannot handle that, then of course you can leave. But, you need to own that you are making that active decision because you do not like how she’s conducting her life. That is very different than telling her “Do what I say or else!”

Does she still hang out with him? Does she see him alone?

Did she say why she didn’t tell you?

Yes, you have every reason to be angry!

She chose you yes but didn’t give you the choice to know if you agreed to live your life with a woman who was hanging out with a guy who has feelings for her!

Especially if you have always been uncomfortable in her presence and she reassured you by telling you that it was just friendship and nothing more!

When she knew that her friend had other intentions with her than just friendship! She should have given you the choice to choose!

What does she say about the ultimatum you told her? Was she hesitating between the two of you!

Why is this friend telling you just now after 5 years?

Each person has their limits are you yours you say it loudly is strong is I think she knew from the start that you would not agree with their friendship if he had or has feelings for her!

Why she didn’t tell you anything?

I’m a woman and I don’t think you are over reacting at all. This is not about the guy so much, as it is about the lack of honesty and respect. If their relationship is not a problem, why keep the conversation private – secrecy implies dishonesty. And she kept the secret a long time. The lack of respect is a bigger issue to me – as a partner, I would expect to be treated with respect. You deserve both respect and transparency. I hope that you will be able to work through this, but you deserve a better relationship than you have right now. I agree with those who point out that if the sexes were reversed people would be vilifying the husband, that is sad to me – it implies that because it is a woman keeping a secret from her husband, that’s ok – it’s not. Your emotional health is as important to you, as a woman’s is to her. You have a right to pursue a relationship with someone who is trustworthy and who puts your well being first.

NTA for the ultimatum. It should be a given that she cuts him off. She should,have cut him off 5 years ago and told him not to attend the wedding after what he said.

Currently your emotional. That’s understandable. Everyone saying it was 5 years ago don’t realise that to you it just happened. And your wife has perpetuated this problem for the last 5 years.

I think you need some time to think about this all and let it sink in. To decide what you want. Maybe take a few days to yourself. Go away for the weekend without her. Not a separation, just breathing space.

Ask your self what do you want for this to be right. You know you what her to cut him off but what else? She needs to spend this time thinking about how she can repair things. This is a her problem not a you problem.

But remember she turned him down. She didn’t cheat. But she has disrespected you and your marriage. That’s what she needs to repair.

ESH – Your wife should have told you and should have cut the friend off at the time. I understand not wanting to risk a scene at the wedding, so I guess I can get her letting the wedding day go on as normal, but after she should have told you. I would be surprised if any affair has happened, and perhaps she just hoped he’d get over it because she sees him as important in her life, but this level of disrespect to her, you and your relationship shouldn’t have been tolerated, especially without your knowledge

Where you’re the AH is how you dealt with this. Yelling and name calling is never the way to handle a situation. The extent to which you’re the AH depends on if you have reacted this way to only this situation because it’s really hurt you or if this is your typical way of responding. You need to sit and have a calm conversation with your wife and decide if you can move forward or not.

Wow i have never seen so much BS in the comments

Your wife is gaslighting you, trying to tell you she just didn’t think it would be good to bring it up, and that it doesn’t matter since she doesn’t have feelings for him. She knows she lied to you for all this time.

She chose to keep him around knowing this was no friend. This was a man who waited in hopes she would leave you for him. This is fucked up. She kept him around because she loves the attention and feeling desired. This is very disrespectful to you and your marriage (and the gf too).

I don’t know if her cutting him off will make a difference. She’s spent the last 5 years lying to you because she felt good about someone else wanting her.

NTA

Try to walk a few steps in her shoes:

Your friend tells you the night before the wedding they’re in love with you.
What are your options?

1.) Tell your partner immediately, risk the whole wedding, although you didn’t do anything wrong, risk losing your partner although you didn’t cause any of this? Risk drama and a spoiled wedding?

2.) don’t tell your partner, marry as planned.

I think I would’ve chosen the second option, too. BUT she should’ve been mad at her best friend for putting her in such a position and telling her the night before the wedding. I would’ve been mad as hell on this person and I’m not sure if I would continue to be friends with him bc of that.

Yeah disinvite the best friend then your wedding day would have become all about why your wife’s best friend wasn’t there- yeah that’s a day I would want to remember my wedding day being /s -but them you need something to angry about OP. You sound exhausting. You have been advised to talk to your wife, get counselling (couples and individually). Yet you won’t take heed of the of the advice given. It seems like you just want/need to be right. Take the advice or don’t but stop whining and the pity me party. She has don’t nothing wrong. Got an issue take it up with the friend in calm adult manor. YTA for over reacting to something that’s not your wives fault.

Yeah, no.

Wifey kept it secret because she knew it was inappropriate to keep this guy as a friend.

And possibly because she liked the validation knowing he woild step up the minute she decided to give him a chance?

And… you also need to consider – and ensure wifey us informed of this – what else shes been lying *by omission* about.

NTA for the ultimatum, however.. if wifey had admitted what she did was wrong AND had cut the guy off herself, then you could have a way forward.. as it is, you dont know if shes cutting him off because she has remorse or because she fears consequenses…

I feel like I’m going insane at the people saying that he had no right to be angry because “she chose you” when she still hangs out with a guy who tried to get her to leave him the day before their wedding, after he’s expressed discomfort about him, and hid this from him for 5 years. NTA, my trust in my wife would be MASSIVELY shaken from her hiding this from me. Cutting him off should have happened the day of or at the very least the day after your wedding. Don’t let these morons gaslight you into thinking you are somehow the problem here.

First of all it’s NTA. Marriage is one heck of a decision ,thereby it’s her duty as well as yours to inform and clear everything to each other ; past, present, if any plans for future. Also I’d want you to know that this ain’t not sign of insecurity by the way(in case anyone says that to you). It’s absolutely NORMAL to feel this way.
I support your decision. Ask her to prioritize one because you can’t have everything at once. Now it’s up to her if she wants her husband or her best friend.

Nta.

Thts a hard situation…  Things tht jumped out at me-

1.  was he with your wife the night before the wedding? Was it a face-to-face confession? If so- why was he there?

2. wife sucks for not telling you

3. wife sucks for having him at your wedding – who tf does that?!

4. wife sucks for still having a relationship/friendship with him after the fact- why did she keep him around?

5. you might be in shock and should consider talking to someone you trust or therapist 

Geezus! 5 years ago, your Wife (an actual adult) was faced with an incredibly idiotic situation with this “friend” professing his love. She dealt with it (as an adult)herself.She didn’t run out, she married you.

Now because the idiotic guy’s insecure GF wants you to be insecure too, without any evidence that your Wife has EVER entertained anything from this guy since, you get twisted. GEEZUS! Try being as adult as your Wife.

Wtf is going on with some of these responses?! NTA, OBVIOUSLY, yet somehow of y’all seek unclear on this. Jesus tapdancing christ Redditors really are absolute jackasses sometimes. Dude has been around OP’s marriage like a fucking Remora trying to steal her off of him, OP has every right to be absolutely livid and demand removal of this parasite from their lives. What are some of you people smoking?

A person only keeps stringing along a “friend” that is in love with them either because:
1. They also have feelings for them -or-
2. An attention wh*re who loves knowing that this “friend” loves her and she loves using him for attention and validation.

Either way – fucking gross and deplorable. Was this guy entrenched in her life the past 5 years?? If so, I would call a divorce attorney today.

There’s no way she can continue the friendship with this guy, because the guy wants to be OP’s romantic rival for his wife’s affections. You can’t be platonic friends with someone who is openly trying to win you away from your spouse. If OP’s wife actually thinks she can continue this “friendship” without doing lasting damage to her marriage, she’s deluding herself.

NTA

OP, wait a few days. Come back here and write this like you are a woman. You will get 100% different responses from redditors. It will be all “you kick his ass out girl” and “he broke your trust, divorce him.” Sorry, but reddit is incredibly biased towards women, so if you want a real answer, write it like you are woman.

Your wife disrespected you by having him at the wedding and not telling you. She should have disinvited him and stopped being friends. But u calling her stupid? I would never stay married to a man with the emotional immaturity to call me stupid. I get ur angry but u dnt have a right to name call. ESH

Wow. You seem to have an anger issue. This happened 5 years ago, there was nothing to it on her part and you threaten divorce? It’s all past tense, had no impact on your wedding or life. How in the heck do you expect her to ever be honest if this is how you react?

NTA, the fact she lied to you for 5 years is insane. This guy is madly in love with her and probably hanging out with her weekly. He’s no doubt tried his best to ruin your marriage. I don’t think any wife would tolerate this if roles were reversed.

Thr amount of people saying OP is overreacting and siding woth OPs wife is always entertaining. Doesn’t matter how long it was, she kept it from him and still hung out woth that guy. Wonder how thr comments would be if roles were reversed?

Why are you so angry – your wife has no control over what another person feels for her. You say it was the night before the wedding yet you get all shitty because she didn’t uninvite him. So, another man fancies your wife – so what?

Ummm I get being upset but if you approached me the way you wrote this post we’d have a serious problem. lol NTA for being upset and caught off guard but absolutely the AH for basically calling her stupid.

Yelling is a bit much. Losing your temper isn’t going to help your case in the divorce. If anything, it shows why your wife didn’t tell you in the first place. Because she knew you’d lose your shit.

Yikes. You never knew your wife fake story I feel so bad about your fake story fake story.

Fuck that other fake story fake story.

Oh and you come off like an anus in your fake story.

I don’t think that will actually be enough if you’re this mad about it, is the thing. You’re gonna need a lot more than an ultimatum if you actually want to stay married 

It seems like you’re trying to find an excuse to divorce. Do it or don’t.

Some guy liking her 5 years ago isn’t the true reason. Just do it if that is what you want.

YTA. I hang out with a woman who confessed her love and romantic feelings towards me on more than one occasion and my wife is fine with it because she’s a mature adult.

YTA for how you worded the ultimatum, if you don’t want to stay married., just say it. Normally i wouldn’t say beak up, but she married the wrong man. Set her free.

YTA, not so much for the ultimatum than for the concept of not trusting your wife at all. If you dont trust her even after 5 years of marriage, you never will.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife now regrets marrying you instead of the other guy, I know I would because you sound really vile.

If you say cutting him off is a start, what else do you want from her before you’re satisfied? Before you can let go of the anger?

He confessed it to her and she shut him down.   So your response is to scream at her years later for… not cheating?

YTA. 

i’m not sure. you have been married for 5 years what happened so u needed to give her an ultimatum

YTA – wow do you always scream and curse at your wife. Maybe that’s why she didn’t tell you.

NTA
She’s kept it secret as a fallback option. She’s disrespecting you massively.

YTA, it’s hardly surprising that she didn’t tell you given your reaction.

You need to chill the fuck out