Amid the tender balance of gratitude and ambition, a mother watches her children’s innocent questions with a growing unease. She yearns for them to understand that success and comfort are not enemies, but gifts earned through perseverance—gifts meant to inspire, not guilt. Yet, Lily’s gentle influence challenges this belief, stirring an emotional conflict between honoring a simpler truth and celebrating the dreams built with sacrifice.
My sister-in-law “Lily” has been close with my family ever since her recent divorce. She’s had a bit of a rough time financially since then, so she’s really embraced the “simple life.” She often talks about how she doesn’t need much, how money is a distraction, and how “having less is freeing.”
My kids are 11 and 12, and Lily’s started babysitting them sometimes. But I’ve noticed that after hanging out with her, they make little comments like, “Why do we need a big house?” or, “Why buy new clothes if we don’t really need them?” To be clear, I’m all for teaching gratitude, but I also feel it’s important for my kids to see that success and comfort don’t have to be negative things.
I didn’t grow up with much, and my husband and I worked hard to build our life so that our kids could have opportunities we didn’t have. I don’t want them feeling guilty for what we have, but Lily’s influence seems to be making them second-guess our lifestyle.
When I asked her (as gently as I could) to stop making these comments around my kids, Lily was hurt and said I was “trying to erase her reality” and accused me of being “materialistic.” She said it’s her duty to show them the world isn’t all about money and things, which I get, but I think there’s a line between that and making them feel uncomfortable about our lifestyle.
The conversation got heated after Lily called me materialistic and I snapped and told her to “just stop playing poor.”
Now, my husband’s family thinks I’m overreacting and says Lily’s just sharing her values. His mum fed said that I’m being snobby or trying to shelter my kids from other viewpoints.
Edit to add – I have no issues answering my kids questions, what I have an issue with is the guilt Lily is trying to teach them to feel for having a nice home and needing new clothes.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is struggling with a conflict where their sister-in-law’s strong anti-materialistic stance is influencing the OP’s children to question their family’s comfortable lifestyle. The OP feels the need to defend their hard-earned success and prevent feelings of guilt in their children, leading to an argument where the OP told the sister-in-law to stop ‘playing poor.’
Is the OP justified in setting boundaries to protect their children’s perception of their own life, or is the sister-in-law correct that she is simply sharing valid, contrasting life values, making the OP overly sensitive to differing viewpoints? Where is the appropriate line drawn between teaching gratitude and instilling guilt?
Here’s how people reacted:
She’s not forcing her viewpoint on your children. You’ve told them a very narrow viewpoint and they are discovering new ones. Believe it or not they’re going to discover a lot of new viewpoints and information in their life. If you stomp every possible question out and yell and scream at anybody and everybody who dares to share any kind of opinion except your own, you are going to raise some extraordinarily entitled and narcissistic children who go around on the internet when they grow up screaming at anybody who doesn’t live the exact same life as they do thinking that their thoughts and ideas are the only ones in the entire world
And we have enough of those people already
However, it sounds like your SIL is wanting to push her new beliefs on your kids. If she wants to go with the simple lifestyle as you put it that’s fine but she also needs to respect your wishes in asking her to tone down that kind of talk around YOUR children. She should definitely respect that around your family.
Your kids, being kids, have noticed that aunt Lily lives differently to your family & are curious. They probably asked her a few questions, which she answered honestly.
Lily didn’t criticise you, or your life. She was just honest with your children about how she chooses to live, and you seem to have taken that as a personal attack for some reason.
Definitely YTA.
That’s terrible parenting! You’re supposed to allow them to have differing opinions and views in their lives so they make their OWN choices on what they think is acceptable for their life.
Answer the questions, and maybe you might find some answers to other questions, like why you are averse to your kids aunt being taken seriously by them.
Of course not. But is your SIL implying you should make less money? That you should turn off your heat?
Questions such as ““Why do we need a big house?” or, “Why buy new clothes if we don’t really need them?” are questions that, in this time of climate change, every person should be asking him or herself.
YTA
> I snapped and told her to “just stop playing poor.”
> She’s had a bit of a rough time financially since then, so she’s really embraced the “simple life.”
So these two sentences seem to contradict each other. Your SIL is dealing with financial issues. Wouldn’t that mean she’s potentially poor, not just “playing poor?”
Lily has a duty to defer to your parenting decisions. She has a duty to not critique your spending habits in front of your children. She has a duty to keep any disagreements with you between the 2 of you without dragging the rest of the family into it. NTA.
Your guilt is showing.
If you have reasons for what you do, share those reasons with your kids and let them decide what their value set is.
Your kids will believe different things than you and that’s okay.
Sounds like you feel bad about your lifestyle and are blaming your friend and the kids for it.
Its impossible to argue with people using “my truth” or “my reality” as these people often live in delusion of facts. Its very simple though, your kids , you decide how to raise them.
Your kids are asking questions about whether or not you NEED these things, you need to listed. Don’t just reneforce the silly idea that you do. I’m not saying move into a smaller place or cut off utilities but, if they don’t want luxuries like new clothes, don’t force them on them.
She’s making them feel bad about what they have. “Why do we have a nice house” is different than acknowledging “we are lucky to have a nice house”. She’s definitely telling two kids way too much about her financial situation and making them feel guilty.
No, it isn’t. She is not their parent.
Trying to turn your kids against you, which is what she is doing, is reprehensible.
NTA
YtA.
Everyone gets to have their opinions.
Why do do you buy new clothes if they aren’t needed, many answers but it’s good for kids to think about it
Well? Why buy new clothes if you don’t really need them?