But today, when hope for shared support finally dawned on a day off, the fragile balance shattered. The promise of partnership in their morning routine dissolved, leaving her overwhelmed and unseen. In this moment of raw vulnerability, she questions if her reaction was too much—or if the deep well of exhaustion and unacknowledged effort finally found its voice.
Some background- I just had our second baby 3 weeks ago. We also have a freshly 2 year old. My husband works a job with a pretty rigorous schedule. He works 12 hour shifts on a 2 on and 2 off schedule (and every other weekend).
Due to his schedule I have never once asked him to wake up with me during the night. I also do all of the housework and have been doing it all since I was only 2 days postpartum. He gets like 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Im a full time online college student. I also cook for him everyday, I do all of the “great” wife things without complaint. I am drained and exhausted and I hardly have time to even eat, but I still carry on.
This morning was his first day off after working 3 12hr shifts in a row. I knew he was tired. We have an agreement that on days he is off he will help me with the morning routine. The morning routine with a toddler and newborn is pretty rough so it’s nice to have help sometimes.
I gently tried to wake him up this morning but he wouldn’t budge. I just accepted the fact he would be no help so I just got up and did what I normally do. I have to feed and change my newborn, pump, dress my toddler, cook breakfast for my toddler, was my pumps and bottles from the night, and pack my toddler’s preschool bag.
20 minutes before we leave, I went into our room and said “Hey sweetie, we’re leaving in 20 minutes if you want to come along” and he acknowledged me but turned over to go back to sleep.
So 20 minutes go by and I leave because I have to get my toddler to school by a certain time. I planned to drop her off and then grab my husband’s favorite breakfast and bring it home to him.
5 minutes into me driving I get a call from my husband. I answer and he immediately is mad at me. He starts saying things like “Why the f*** would you leave without me” “Why didn’t you wake me up”.
I respond with “Why do I need to wake you up, you are a grown man” I also said “I already have so many responsibilities on my plate, waking you up would just add to that. And to that he said “ugh here we go”.
He was acting like all I do is complain about my responsibilities but I never complain to him! Even when I’m running on empty I never complain. He was just so so mean to me, I can’t even believe that was my husband on the phone.
I don’t normally get mad but I was set off. I hung up the phone and put it on silent because I didn’t want to hear it anymore. My toddler was also in the car listening and I didn’t want her to hear her dad talking to me like that.
This obviously pissed him off.
I drop off my toddler and I still go pick up his breakfast for him. I thought maybe he would realize how mean he was and apologize when I got home. WRONG.
I get to our house and he COMES OUTSIDE TO CONTINUE YELLING AT ME. I simply responded with “I got you breakfast” and he said “at least you did that” with a snarky ass smirk.
So I did something that I never would ever in a million years do. I closed the car door, rolled down the window, threw the breakfast bag on the ground and said “eat sh!t and f*** you” and I backed out quickly and left with our newborn.
I am currently sitting in a McDonald’s with my newborn with angry tears running down my face. I haven’t checked the messages he sent, kind of scared to.
I have never said something like that to my husband, but something took over. The way he talked to me when all I do is make sure everyone is taken care of. I am so upset.
Did I overreact?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing extreme exhaustion due to managing a newborn, a toddler, academic work, and all household duties, while her husband receives significant uninterrupted rest. The central conflict arose when the husband, despite an agreement to help on his day off, refused to wake up, leading to the OP leaving without him and ultimately escalating to a severe, angry exchange where the OP lashed out verbally and left the home.
Was the OP’s extreme reaction of verbal abuse and immediate departure justified by the ongoing imbalance of labor and the disrespectful way her husband spoke to her? Or did her actions cross a necessary line of communication, regardless of the stress she is under?
Here’s how people reacted:
I know having two kids is very stressful on a young couple. If this is the one and only time he has ever lost his temper with you, or slept so hard he missed dropping off his 2 year old, maybe he is having a once-off bad day, sick day, bad night sleep, maybe something happened at work. I don’t know.
If he has NEVER disrespected you before, I agree with giving him a chance to cool down and apologize and explain himself.
But even so, what he did was unacceptable. He needs to know that and make a sharp 180 degree turn and never go down that road again. He should never, ever speak to you like that ever again.
My parents had a super huge screaming fight when my sister was a toddler and I was a baby. I do not remember it but my sister does. It was a big verbal fight. They never fought like that ever again, because my mom apparently stood her ground hard and said, you will not ever speak to me like this again or I am leaving. She meant it. She was the stay at home mom back in those days, and she put the fear in him that if he did not get his shit together, what he was going to do all alone with two babies.
Sometimes, you have to draw a line. Or else he will disrespect you from this day on.
I would have rolled over the breakfast with the tires, as a coup-de-grace.
You have 3 jobs, and he has 1. You’re a full-time mom to 2 very young kids, a housewife, and a student.
And now you also have to deal with an unsupportive, demanding, verbally abusive husband.
>I haven’t checked the messages he sent, kind of scared to.
Don’t be scared. That’s what he wants. You’ve proven that you can, and are, doing everything by yourself anyway. I’d contact your family and see if you can arrange some support, and a time out until you sort out what happens next.
NTA
This right here made my jaw drop.
How ungrateful can he be?
The fact that he is working 12 hour shifts is irrelevant. You work 24 hours shifts. Motherhood is a job and you never get a time off. He can sleep a bit less or when he is awake he can take on some of the chores or look after one of the kids.
He choose to be father, he needs to father these babies. There’s no “Oh I can’t today, you deal with it”.
NTA. He needs to take on more responsibilities and you need to stop babying him.
Your children should be your priority. Both of you. It does not seem like you were fully prepared for the time and work a toddler and a newborn at the same time take. I know it’s hard in this economy but he either has to cut down on work or find another solution. You can’t to this alone. At the very least you deserve his respect, no matter how tired he is.
To answer your question, yes, you did overreact, but only because of his overreaction. Cause and effect.
I don’t really want to call either of you AHs, but saying you all suck seems like an overreaction too.
What he did is beyond pathetic and he is an ahole. And you’re being an asshole to yourself. We’re not in the 60s anymore.
Do not read his texts. But please do send him a list of the house chores and the time toddler needs to ne picked up. Let him know you and baby will be home in time for dinner, which you expect to be cooked by him.
He got a full night’s sleep. With a 3 week old and a 2 year old. A full night’s sleep is an *unheard of luxury* for such a parent and he needs to appreciate what real life with kids is.
2) it’s true you aren’t responsible for waking him but it sounds like that’s your current dynamic. He sounds like a deep sleeper and perhaps only part awake when you went in. So to avoid this, he needs to set alarms.
3) you both have things to apologize for. But you need to cool off and have some time to reset your battered nervous system just a bit.
He is a grown adult who is more than capable of getting himself up. And if he wants his fav breakfast he can go get it himself.
Your husband needs a major wake up call.
Also, stop babying him! You treat him like you’re his mother and your responsibility.
He is a man child!
Hope you’re ready for that fight, because you just agreed to have it.
ESH.
NTA
‘I’m not part of your system!!!!’
Perfect time to get a divorce x