The breaking point came when carelessness crossed a sacred line: a drunken visitor, ignoring simple hygiene, reached out to a fragile infant. In that charged moment, the family’s patience shattered, revealing the raw, protective instinct that binds them together against the intrusion of chaos.
My wife and I have been married for 3 years and my wife and I and my SIL (wife’s sister) we all live together. She has 2 kids, a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old. My wife and I help her, mostly my wife cause she’s at home most of the time.
But her friend has been a pain for us. I don’t like her. She lives near us and has been friends with my wife for a year. She comes over almost every other day and spends hours. She is senseless and rude and talks loudly.
We have to remind her almost every time that she has to wash her hands before touching children, and the worst part? She sometimes shows up drunk.
She came over 2 days ago and touched my 5-month-old niece without washing her hands, and on top of that, she was drunk!!!
My SIL got angry and asked her to get out of our house. She said that she’s sorry and went to wash her hands, but my SIL grabbed her hand and asked her to leave. I had enough of her as well, so I joined in and asked her to leave.
She was very angry but didn’t say anything and left.
But at night when I was using my wife’s phone, I saw that she texted my wife and said that we were rude and we shouldn’t have insulted her. She is trying to warn my wife that there’s something going on between me and my SIL.
When I saw her text, I asked my wife if she still wants to be friends with this one after what she texted. My wife said she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I showed her, and after reading it, my wife said that she never expected her friend to say something like this and she’s breaking her friendship with her.
I said it’s necessary because if she didn’t cut her off, I would have divorced her. My wife got angry at me for bringing up divorce and she’s not talking to me after yelling at me for half an hour.
My SIL says that I am wrong for mentioning divorce when it’s her friend’s fault and not my wife’s.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is clearly distressed by a friend’s dangerous and disrespectful behavior toward their family, leading to a firm confrontation where the friend was asked to leave. However, the conflict escalated when the OP introduced the threat of divorce to enforce their boundary regarding the friendship, causing significant marital strain despite the friend’s unacceptable actions.
Was the OP justified in using the threat of divorce to demand the immediate termination of his wife’s friendship, or did this ultimatum unfairly pressure his wife and undermine their marital trust regarding an issue primarily caused by the friend? This situation forces a balance between protecting the household from a hazard and respecting the autonomy within the marriage.
Here’s how people reacted:
You were right to object to this drunk and rude ex-friend touching your niece with dirty hands. You were right to stand up to her. You were right to address this with your wife.
But that isn’t what you’re asking about. You’re asking about whether your wife was justifiable upset with you.
That’s where YTA. She had already said she was going to break off her friendship with the rude woman. There was no need to threaten divorce when she had already agreed. Your wife did nothing wrong and yet you threatened her with divorce, just because you were mad about this friend of hers. The matter was already settled and you decided to make it worse. Your wife was on your side but you wanted to treat her like an enemy. That’s where you went wrong. That’s why she was mad at you.
You need to apologize sincerely to your wife. She is not your enemy. She is your partner. Stop treating her like an enemy.
Get it the fuck together. You got what you wanted. Take the win without being an asshole about it.
But in this situation go apologize profusely to your wife and thank her for having your back. Even without your asinine threat.
Bringing up divorce after your wife had already agreed with you? It’s the same as your wife telling you that is you ever sexually assualt someone she will leave you. It may be true and honest. However there was zero reason to say it except to further hurt your wife. The woman who just lost a friend she thought was an ok person but now realizes isn’t. Instead of a little empathy for the woman you love, you chose to attack her further. That is a shitty way to do things.
She had already agreed to end the friendship. You already won this one. There was no reason to get in one last jab!
Also, you should have told your wife many months ago that if she wants to maintain that friendship, she could do so outside the house. The friend is to disruptive to hang out with young children, or even adults!
Your emotions are valid but you allowed your emotions to control you at that moment and said something unnecessary and hurtful.
You need to go apologize to your wife. Communication is very important in a relationship.
NTA for kicking out this friend who rocks up drunk and handles babies without washing, NTA for backing up your SIL.
YTA for bringing up divorce on this. Get a marriage counselor or couples therapist as soon as you can… ’cause now that you’ve opened the door to divorce, just by mentioning it, you’ve caused damage to the relationship and made divorce more likely.
So essentially you threatened someone who was doing exactly what you wanted of her.
Ya, you’re pretty much a complete asshole. YTA
Is this a new thing for millennials? I’m genuinely curious.
“Hey thanks for breaking up with your friend, but just so you know, I would have divorced you if you hadn’t”
Lol bring it up again and you’ll actually be divorced, is my guess.
I would talk to your wife and ask her if she thinks there is something between you and your sil. It’s better to get these things out in the open than to let them fester.
YTA. UpdateMe
Frankly, you are right to get that woman out of your life, but why did you need to explode your marriage?