As the countdown to January 28th ticked relentlessly, the couple faced a wrenching dilemma: a grueling 12-hour road trip through uncertain terrain or the risk of isolation in the mountains. In the midst of excitement and expectation, the fragile balance of hope and anxiety threatened to unravel, casting a shadow over what should have been a shared celebration of new beginnings.
My (28f) Husband’s (29m) “best friend” is getting married. They got engaged some time last year, but only decided to start setting a date now, in October. Their date? Either January or February 2025.
Approximately 3 or 4 months from now, and they’ve known I’m pregnant and due January 28th since July. Now, I’m not expecting them to plan their wedding around my baby, I just find it kind of crazy that anyone gives 4 > months notice for a wedding, and they reached out to my husband to say it’s important to them that he attend so would he be able to make it any dates during that time.
He asked me how I felt about road tripping to the wedding in January. I said a 12 hour drive is likely really not feasible when I’m within weeks of my due date, it’s totally possible that nothing happens and I could even give birth later than my due date (it’s a healthy normal 1st time pregnancy so far) BUT if something did happen, I really don’t want to be in the mountains stranded.
He was resistant to flying but I told him honestly that flying post partum was the only semi reasonable way for this to go if they land on February instead of January. I’m not going to want to do a 12 hour road trip with a 2 week old either, and sleep deprivation could be a bitch.
He then said “well… if you’re willing, then I’d be willing to go by myself for a day or two to be there for Carl.”
This struck me as dishonest. He says he doesn’t “want” to go, but he’d be willing to go for Cory and leave me by myself. Now I’ve never had a baby before, only siblings, and maybe it would be fine, I really don’t know.
I’m not 100% against him going by himself, I honestly need more time to think about it. But what is definitely rubbing me wrong is him acting like he’s taking one for the team to go to a big adult party while I’m bedridden taking care of a newborn and two dogs (one who will be a year old energetic goldem shepard) by myself.
If he doesn’t “want” to go, then I say why are we talking about this? No matter what it’s a huge inconvenience and also big favor being asked of me for something you don’t want within weeks of giving birth.
I’d feel better about this if he said “Hey, i know this is a big ask and you might need time to think, but I really want to be there for my friend, would you consider staying back so I can?” It feels disingenuine to use such weird passive language that doesnt seem to own what hes asking to put on me.
He’s upset because I “didn’t even answer his question” and he “knew i was going to react this way”. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a significant conflict between her husband’s desire to attend his best friend’s wedding and the practical, physical realities of being weeks away from a first-time delivery, compounded by feeling unsupported regarding the necessary childcare and travel logistics. Her husband’s passive communication style, suggesting he would go alone while framing it as a concession, has heightened her feelings of being unvalued in this difficult transitional period.
Given the near-term due date, the core question is whether the husband’s commitment to his friend ethically overrides the pregnant wife’s need for security and primary support during her most vulnerable time, or if his willingness to attend alone, unsupported by his wife, necessitates a firm boundary based on the imminent birth?
Here’s how people reacted:
I wouldn’t even be dithering around this one, and i’m gonna guess this is your first, given your expectations for your ability to travel TWO WEEKS POSTPARTUM.
Put your foot down and tell him not only no, but hell no.
You aren’t going, and he’s not going, and nobody in your household is going to a wedding 12 hours’ drive from your doctor & baby’s pediatrician…
A wedding *that doesn’t even have a date yet* ?!?
But somehow absolutely HAS TO fall in the period of time in which a sane adult would *NEVER* leave a partner about to pop or struggling with a newborn???
If his friends are genuine friends, there’s no way in hell they would ask this of him.
And it’s absolutely unacceptable for him to ask you to be the person who takes responsibility for figuring out the problem that they have dumped in your lap.
No. If they want your husband’s attendance at a wedding, they can plan it for a time when you’re not about to give birth.
You are right that nobody has to plan their wedding around your pregnancy. But same is true the other way around: your family cannot come second to their wedding. So yeah, if it’s so important for Hubby’s best friend that he is there, they better DO plan it around your pregnancy. And I see what you mean with his wording. As if it’s a big sacrifice to be at a party instead of taking care of baby 24/7 lol
Either way, please, make sure you’re not alone with a mere days old newborn. Whatever you think how exhausted you’ll be, in reality you’ll probably be more exhausted. Don’t underestimate how hard it can be, especially if that’s your first kid and you have no experience.
I personally would insist my husband stays with me, but if he leaves for that wedding make sure someone else can help you out (friends, family, trustworthy neighbour).
Wow, total asshole move by the couple and by your husband. They surely don’t have to lan their wedding around you and it’s ok for them to invite out of politness, even tough it’s clear you guys couldn’t go. So far, so good
But for them to insist on your husband going (which would mean leaving you alone) is kinda selfish. But anyways, that’s their issue
The biggest problem i see is your husband considering making a long trip on your due month. Even tough it’s not your due date, pregnancies are unpredictable so you could end up giving birth at that period or have any other pregnancy related complication (let’s hope not). Anyway, you’d be all by yourself putting you and your baby’s life in danger while he would be there supporting friends instead of his wife.
Don’t forget even tough you’re carrying it, the baby is both yours and his
He can tell his friend, “dude unfortunately that date is too close to OPs due date. I need to be there with her to help however I can. If the baby comes while I’m at a party, I’ll never forgive myself and neither will she. We let y’all know long ahead of time her due date. I’m glad y’all chose what you choose but it means we’re not going.”
I would just lay out the facts for him. Your baby is coming. After a certain period it’s not recommended to travel because your first baby (and really any baby) rarely comes on the due date. Then to LEAVE you at home with the dogs and a new baby alone…this is unconscionable.
Anything could happen and a second adult needs to be there. You aren’t even able to drive for the first 2 weeks postpartum.
He needs to let his friends know that if his presence is an absolute must, then they need to plan their marriage celebration for later in the year and consider going to the courthouse if they want to be married on a specific date.
The only way I’d allow this to happen is if my husband paid for my chosen person/my mother to come and be with me during the entire period he’s gone.
“I understand that you want to be there for your friend’s wedding, but I am your wife and I’m having your first child. This should not even be a question. A man’s priority is his wife and child. If your friend can’t understand that, he’s not much of a friend. So no, I am not okay with you going to this wedding and leaving me alone in late term pregnancy or with a newborn. You could even miss the birth. That is not acceptable.”
He can send a nicer gift since he’ll be saving money on travel.
If he objects to this, he will be sending a message to you about where his priorities are.
NAH for now, but that could change depending on how he responds.
This what I read:
My husband’s bestie knows when our due date is and wants to get his wedding in before then so he still has a party buddy rather than a new dad with responsibilities.
My hubby really wants to party with his bestie but is pretending it’s a chore so he doesn’t feel bad about leaving me behind when he knows I won’t be able to join him.
Honestly, babies arrive when they want to. You might be better discussing whether he attends the wedding closer to your due date. Anything could happen. How can you possibly make a definite decision right now? Especially when the happy couple haven’t pinned down a date yet.
Even if you give birth to the baby it would be hell going with a newborn who shouldn’t be exposed to so many people. You wouldn’t be able to actually at the wedding like any other person because you would be taking care of a newborn in a new uncomfortable environment.
Your husband is being selfish. The couple in question can’t organise a wedding in three months and expect everyone to drop their life for them. It’s their choice to plan it near your due date, they are free to do as they please. They can’t expect everyone to attend.
The friends knew when your due date was, while they don’t need to plan their wedding around it they should be understanding that you BOTH might not be able to attend. It is an invitation to a wedding, not a summons.
I’m glad he already realizes that going there before the birth is an absolute no-go. Maybe he doesn’t realize that you shouldn’t leave a wife and newborn alone (12 hours away) in the first few weeks after birth. So educate him 🙂
If the friend without a wedding date finds it so important that he attends, he can discuss a date in April with you. I still wouldn’t travel then if I were you, but April is more doable with some help if he is away for a few days.
Dude needs to get his priorities checked NOW. That is his kid as well, and his immature behavior that he’ll just go anyway to buddy buddy with his friends is not taking care of his upcoming responsibility as a father.
NTA, but time to seriously question this relationship. And frankly stinks a bit of the “sowing wild oats” BS right before the kid shows up
No new mother should be left alone with a 2 week old baby, it’s madness. Those first few weeks hit you like a truck, even if everything went well with labour and even if it is some kind of unicorn baby that actually sleeps. The first few weeks are brutal. He shouldn’t even consider leaving you.
No need to drag this out or worry over it. You and your baby are the most important thing in this situation, not his friends. When the baby comes, that will be the most important thing in both your lives at that time.
NTA
NTA. This shouldn’t even be a discussion. You will either be on the verge of giving birth or you will have a newborn, and either way your husband needs to be there for *you* and the family he has helped create.
You should tell him to expect to not attend the wedding and his friends can choose another date if they need him there since his child is now his priority.
He’s a selfish jerk leaving you and a newborn to go to a large party where he catch covid or the flu and bring it home.
I understand he wants to be there for his best friend, but he can’t just leave you alone with a newborn.
> my husband to say it’s important to them that he attend so would he be able to make it any dates during that time.
What an absolute wiener. He needs to get his priorities straight.
He seems to feel that there is a social expectation that he be there.
YTA