Husband says I'm selfish

In the quiet struggle of longing and loss, a woman bears the invisible scars of four miscarriages, each one a devastating blow to her body and soul. Her heart aches not just from the absence of a child, but from the profound physical pain that shadows every attempt to create life, a burden unseen by many but deeply felt by her.

Amidst this fragile pain, a tender conversation with her husband turns cold when his words cut deeper than any wound. His suggestion of adoption, meant to be a hopeful path, is marred by a harsh reminder of what they have not yet achieved together, leaving her feeling misunderstood and isolated in her suffering.

My husband and I haven’t been able to have kids. I’ve had 4 miscarriages now and each time it’s not only emotionally painful but physically painful too.

Tonight my husband and I had a bottle of wine and he was telling me he wants to see how I feel about adoption.

I said I’d love that as I’d love to take someone out of a bad situation.

He then made a comment and said that since you haven’t been able to give me one I think this is the only way we will have a kid.

I’m currently seeing a gynaecologist so that we can find out what the issue is and have a follow up next week.

I pointed that out and said that his comment was really insensitive considering what I have gone through with each one.

He said that he has pain too and I am selfish as I only see my own pain.

I explained that while I understand that he has emotional pain I have this but also have physical pain.

He said he’s always been there for me to take me to hospital and dealt with my mood swings each time but also hurt that we haven’t been able to have a baby without lots of intervention.

I repeated that he has hurt me as I’m trying to make this happen and the doctors have said I need supplements for a few months and then it should work and he interrupted me and said that I’m always thinking of myself and not seeing his pain.

This went back and forth for a while until he said you’re selfish and always will be and I’m going to bed bye.

I sat in the living room and let him sleep it off thinking thay he’s just had upset and will be better in the morning.

A short time later he turned off the living room light and went to bed.

I asked why he did that and he said the light was annoying me.

At this point I became really angry and said that what he did was not acceptable.

How dare he call me selfish and then turn off the light in the room I’m sat in because it annoys him. He is the selfish one.

He then said that after all that happened that’s what you want to fight about and I said that I had left him to calm down and then come to bed later but you just completely disrespected me by doing that.

He said that if I cant handle my drink I shouldn’t drink but at this point the whole argument has made me sober.

I’m angry that he has the audacity to call me selfish when he hurt my feelings saying I didn’t give him a baby and then turns off the light where I’m sat because it annoys him.

I just want to know what to do now.

Here’s how people reacted:

Commercial-Rise6114

I got halfway and honestly don’t want to read anymore. I will because you need to be heard. But fuck that guy for saying that. Selfish jerk. Acting like he’s even close to the same level as you. I would be hurt in his situation because I’d want a kidbadlyd too. But I would hurt mostly for you. As many times as I’ve heard about women feeling likeit’ss somehow their fault, knowing they have no say or control in the situation. Knowing the lengths some women have gone to for a child. Knowing you want what I want at least as bad but you have to deal with the fact that its something in your body. When he said something like, “You haven’t been able to give me one.” 😤 Omg 🔥 Then, something about “mood swings??” Who is this creep and what BS podcast is he buying into?? Omg. He better change his act quickly and fucking realize some shit RIGHT NOW. How about some empathy?? Some understanding?? He’s selfish and I can feel my blood pressure about to pop a fuckin’ top. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this asshole on top of something SO painful. FOUR TIMES. He’s so gross for that. Shame on him. I wish I was in hearing distance. Would he talk like that in front of other people? He better make some changes or you better get out before you get a child, however that is. You deserve love, care, and empathy. I hope you can get help for the mental strain. Care for any physical pain or discomfort if needed. And some freaking emotional care which he should be part of. He’s having a negative effect with that in a serious time of need. I’m so pissed. I can not imagine how strong and hurtful you must feel from someone who’s supposed to be your partner. Your teammate. Your ride-or-die 💔 👋 💥 🥴 What a dipshit 🤨 I’m sorry, girl 🥺 😮‍💨 OK, I’ll read the rest, now. Buckling up…

Summer_Spring_

Ma’am, I believe in signs. And him talking to you this way and literally turning the light off and leaving seems like a sign. He gives no fucks about your experiences. His own pain matters more to him than yours. That sounds like the exact opposite of what a marriage should be. I’m not married but I’ve been lucky enough to see a couple of good ones up close. Neither of those husbands would ever literally turn the lights off on their wives and leave. There’s just a level of petty and vindictive that they wouldn’t sink to. Both of these husbands had big personalities and lots of opinions. They were not doormats and neither are their wives. I can’t see either person in either couple being so dismissive of their spouse. IMO not having a child with this man could be a blessing. He sounds like a dick. And I’m wondering how much this dickhead stressed you out because stress can certainly cause a miscarriage. Or maybe he has bum sperm and your body is dumping his poor quality embryos for a reason. But I don’t like the fact that you’ve both automatically decided something is wrong with YOU when there could be something wrong with him (physically or mentally because like I said he sounds like a dick). Blaming ANYONE is stupid. Bodies be doing body shit whenever they feel like it. Neither of you have done the appropriate exams and labs to be deciding that you can’t have kids or even that you’re to “blame.” Put him in the guest room or put yourself in the guest room and give yourself some space from him for a few days or a few weeks. You’ll be able to think clearer when he’s not literally right beside you. Btw he needs to be getting his sperm checked and having a physical. Tell his unsupportive ass to do that while you’re attending your gyno appointments.

bitchflavoured

In my personal opinion, any time a man calls a woman selfish for her struggle to carry a pregnancy to full term, that negates any pain he says he feels because cis men will never truly know exactly what it’s like to be in your position, OP – and I’m sorry that he doesn’t see that.

Yes, he can feel sad and upset about losing a potential child – but to call you selfish when you have no control over your miscarriages is a whole other level of evil and cruelty. You are the one whose body is being put under immense stress and pressure while all he has to do is cum inside you and he has the audacity to call you selfish and be mad at you when you’re going to specialists and trying whatever you can to conceive?

My advice? I would straight up leave my husband if he ever said this to me.

CommercialTap8457

We went through IVF and I’ve lost 8 babies and successfully have two healthy ones both grown now. His words and behavior are u acceptable. Not once did my husband ever call me selfish or belittle my mood swings or problems.
If this situation doesn’t improve and he continues to gaslight you then you need to divorce him. Maybe the reason you’re having difficulty is your subconscious telling you this man will not be a good father to y’all’s children.
Men do not ever get to talk down to a woman EVER! That is a huge red flag in my book. Please reconsider everything right now about having or adopting children with this man. No matter how good things are elsewhere the most important thing is the example of how he treats your future children’s mother which is you

Puzzled-Dog4015

I went through a miscarriage and 8 traumatic years trying to have kids via medical intervention. Signing up to adopt gave me a break from the monthly heartache. I did adopt two children. One is special needs. He has a very emotionally challenged. I had an unrealistic view of motherhood… and romanticized it a lot because I wanted it so much. What I wish I did before adopting is try fostering children . That way I could’ve experienced the reality of raising children. My other adopted child is a dream, but the unbelievable stress raising my son has taken years off my life. I would advise counseling for you and your husband whatever you both decide to do. I am sorry he said that to you.

aWomanOnTheEdge

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through 🤗

Damn him for even thinking he has suffered more than you, much less for saying it out loud or that you are the cause for his suffering.

Are you sure you want to stay married to someone who treats you like this?

Are you sure you want to have kids with a man who talks and acts like this?

If you *do* have a baby with him, I’m sure you’ll hear all about how he suffered while you were in labor, and your pain will be ghosted to the side.

Better to get out before you have kids with him.

BidRevolutionary945

NTA and that was a crappy thing for him to say to you. I think you both would benefit from grief and/or marriage counseling. He’s angry and bitter and taking it out on you. Maybe he’s the selfish one for not seeing how much pain you are in! Honestly, if you guys don’t get counseling, I don’t know how you will be able to get past this. He’s already blaming you. It’s just gonna get worse. 🙁 I hope you guys can work it out.

LizP1959

Umm, OP, please read the work of Zawn Villines on Substack about selfish husbands and low-value men. I hope you rethink trying to raise kids with a horrid human like the one you described here.

Why not check with a divorce attorney just to get informed about the law in your state, your rights, etc.? You may have options you’re not aware of. Good luck. There is a better life than this, and it is available to you.

slooterpie97

NTA. What an absolute jackass. Yes, he’s hurting because those miscarriages are his loss too, but shaming you for “not being able to give him one”… That’s disgusting behavior and a nasty mindset. You should be mourning together, not making it a competition. Get out now before you have kids naturally or by adoption. Otherwise you’ll be tied to this man-baby forever.

bigboypeppy

It might be that he just doesn’t feel heard, but it’s pretty inexcusable to take it out on you. It’s not good to compare pain and trauma, but disregarding everything you’ve gone through just because he wants something that you’re not able to do safely speaks volumes. He really needs to step up and apologize to you for being so petty about it.

Wonderfulsurprise90

NTA maybe there is a greater power telling you to not have any with this man. He’s a self’s jerk. Rethink everything!! Why would you want to go through anymore pain for a man who talks to you like that?! I bet it’s not even your fault but his. I pray that you get what you want with someone who deserves to share it with you.

skunkyleaf

This is going to be terribly insensitive but maybe those miscarriages were a blessing in disguise. Not trying to tell OP what to do but maybe it’s time to leave while she still can.

I am sorry for your losses. Sending positive thoughts for your strength and comfort 💜

ceaseless7

I’m guessing he’s frustrated at both of yours inability to conceive and is having a tantrum. Maybe someone is in his butt asking when you two are having kids and he’s mad about that too. I think you both need counseling before you go any further trying to make a baby.

Vmo1520

this may be a horrible response to this but as someone who was dumped over previously being infertile and just had my rainbow baby, you can do better. is this someone you want your child to see as a role model? whether biological or adoptive. YOU deserve better

LucidChaos78

NTA – and you need to seriously rethink your relationship. Did he literally say “you haven’t given me one”? Or is that your summary of the comment. One is hurtful, the other – if literally his words – I’d seriously selfish and effed up.

Ick is right.

Sunshine_Energy7577

Please re consider adoption, if he is behaving like this now, what will he around a child who is not really his biological child, I’m sorry but please just go with what’s best for yourself. I’m sorry for losses.

Aware-Ad-9943

NTA. If you’re so selfish, why does he want to have and raise a child with you? He doesn’t really think that, he just wants to hurt your feelings and make you focus on him. Don’t have a child with him.

HugeNefariousness222

Tell him he may have shitty sperm and he hasn’t been able to give you a good pregnancy. Then, think long and hard about spending the rest of your life with someone who has so little regard for you.

dudemcd

My 2 cents…Do yourselves a favor and don’t talk about your family’s future unless it’s cute ideas on dates and adventures. You’re just increasing the risk of someone saying something stupid.

atmasabr

YTA. He made a stupid comment. He defended himself and asked you to look at him. Get over it, or at least learn how to make your displeasure known without having to have the last word.

peakpenguins

>since you haven’t been able to give me one

I mean damn, I’ve never wanted kids in the first place but that would give me a level of ick I couldn’t get past.

NTA.

StayGolden93

NTA… your husband is the selfish one. Completely unsupportive! I dont think I could have a child with this man in any capacity.
What he said is totally cruel!

ActuaryMean6433

What to do now? I’d stop trying to have a baby with him until you work through all your other issues first. This isn’t about a baby, it’s much more than that.

Famous_Sugar_1193

Please don’t have a fucking kid with him. Please please please please please.

Please don’t bring a poor abandoned child into THIS through adoption. Please.

Haunting_Counter_697

NTA. At this point, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to reproduce with him. Can you honestly imagine raising a child with someone who treats you like that?

Tower-Naive

He should get an appointment with a doctor too. I’ve been told that the health of a man directly impacts the health of a pregnancy and fetus.

Excellent_Set_250

He came into the room you were in. Turned off the light and left the room. Please revaluate if you want kids with someone who does that

Practical-Wave-4541

I’m not sure what to say to this. I wouldn’t want to be with or have kids with a person that says those things to me.

Jamaican_me_cry1023

He’s selfish? Projection. RUN before you’re tied down and pregnant with his child. Get on and stay on birth control.

FrontTour1583

NTA but I would rethink having a kid with a man who would turn your pain into a weapon against you like this.

happylukie

It could be his lousy sperm causing you miscarriages. How does he know the problem doesn’t lie with him?

throwaway1957295

NTA:

Eek, he was self-destructing and poking your buttons to start a fight.

Gen-Xwmn

The phrase “can’t give me one” is foul. Are we in medieval times?

icecreampenis

Maybe don’t have children with someone who treats you like this.

Waste-Development651

Is this really someone you want to teach your kid how to act?

Fit_Illustrator_1435

I think you should reconsider kids with this man-child.

Alone_Target_1221

You both sound immature. But you are NTA on this issue.

PandaGlobal4120

He’s an AH. Just wondering did he do a sperm count?

Upper_Rent_176

Dump this abusive fuckhead NOW

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) is navigating profound grief and physical pain following four miscarriages, while also dealing with her husband’s expressed frustration about the lack of a biological child. The central conflict arises when the husband labels the OP as selfish for focusing on her medical situation, immediately followed by a dismissive action—turning off the living room light—which the OP interpreted as a significant act of disrespect and control.

Given the intense emotional strain and the husband’s harsh accusation, the core question remains: Does the husband’s acknowledged pain about not having a child justify his insensitive comments and subsequent disrespectful behavior, or do the OP’s physical and emotional suffering from recurrent pregnancy loss require him to offer unwavering support and sensitivity, regardless of his own feelings?