Then came Anne, a seasoned postdoctoral associate whose friendly demeanor masked the challenging undercurrents of their collaboration. Their worlds collided not just through shared workspaces, but through the unspoken tensions of experience, age, and ambition—setting the stage for a story of resilience, perseverance, and the complex human dynamics woven into scientific discovery.
I’m getting ready to wrap up my 5-year PhD in STEM, and I’m moving on to bigger and better things in the world of medical research. Something you need to know about STEM folks is that we tend to be caffeine addicts.
Coffee, tea, energy drinks, the works. However, for about the first 3 years of my program, I was the only coffee drinker on my team. Everyone else drank tea or soda. I’m a coffee addict, so I own 2-3 coffee makers at any given time (I keep crappy ones from thrift shops on standby in case my nice one gives out).
I brought one said crappy coffee maker to my work so I’d have access to fresh coffee. For 3 years, I was the only one to use it.
In year 4, enter a new postdoctoral associate. Let’s call her Anne.
Anne is…a nice person. Friendly. The kind of person you’d take your lunch breaks with or chat with at a company outing. But she’s difficult to work with. I don’t know if it’s because she has her PhD and I don’t yet, or if it’s because she’s 10 years older than me, but her superiority complex got to me quickly.
She’s always right, and my input is irrelevant (even though I’m more experienced in our field). She sees the good in everyone, which is great except that she never believes me or any of our colleagues when we say another employee has been rude or negligent in their work.
And she’s very distracting, always wanting to make small talk and refusing to listen when I say I’m too busy to chat. She will literally insert herself into my personal space, hovering around my desk until I agree to chat with her about usually total nonsense (for example, one time she wanted to have a whole conversation about dishwashers…).
It’s gotten bad enough that I’ve primarily moved to a remote/hybrid work setting just to get things done.
Anne is also a coffee addict. For the first time in over 4 years, my crappy little coffee maker had a second user. And I was happy to share the machine. Now, she uses it every day, sometimes more than once per day.
She’s admitted that she’s stopped making coffee at her home because she knows she can make it at work. I am her source of caffeine.
Except now I’m graduating. I’m leaving for good. Thus begs the question: would I be the asshole if I took my coffee maker with me? On one hand, I’m a nice person, and I know Anne will get lots of use out of the machine.
I also own a nice coffee maker don’t technically NEED the crappy little machine, and won’t need to bring my own coffee maker to my new job becausse they provide free coffee to employees.
On the other hand, Anne hasn’t exactly been a great coworker. She’s made it hard for me to feel productive and intelligent in my position, and I’m petty. So, would I be the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a dilemma regarding whether to take a personal, older coffee maker upon leaving their PhD program, especially since a difficult colleague, Anne, has become dependent on it. The conflict centers on the OP’s desire to be generous versus a feeling of resentment stemming from Anne’s challenging workplace behavior and perceived lack of respect.
If the OP takes the machine, they prioritize their own comfort and slight retribution for past frustrations; if they leave it, they act graciously despite Anne’s negative contributions. Does the OP’s right to reclaim personal property outweigh the impact of removing a convenient resource from a colleague who has otherwise made the work environment unpleasant?
Here’s how people reacted:
I have to disagree with anyone who suggests that you confront her. When you’re a PhD student, there’s a big power dynamic between those who have their PhDs already and those who don’t. Sometimes confronting them directly can negatively affect your career, either right away or years down the line. That might not be the case here, but either way, I’d just take the coffee maker with me on my last day just like I’d take all my other property.
Congrats on your PhD Dr OP!
But doing it not because you need or even want it, but just to annoy Anne isn’t really great, and more importantly you’re just going to look a bit of a dick.
You’re going to benefit more from the warm fuzzy feelings (yours and theirs) of donating a four year old crappy coffee machine to the lab than you will from taking it with you.
If you want to be petty you can be, but do you really want to look or feel that way?
If you don’t need it why would you bother to take it with you? You called it crappy said you don’t need it, are you planning to sell it or store it for a long time. If you are not planning to sell it make Anne and offer. If you are going to store it for a future where someday you might need it, I would encourage you to save the space and leave it behind.
It’s yours, so you wouldn’t be wrong to take it with you.
But honestly, I’d say just don’t bother. if you don’t care about it and don’t plan to use it, just leave it behind. Forget about Anne — it’s not about her. Think of it as just avoiding one last possible dumb conflict that doesn’t need to happen, whether you’re right or not.
You wouldn’t be the asshole but it would be a nice thing to do. Leave it in her ownership perhaps with a note.
YWNBTA. Take it or don’t take it. It’s yours anyway. Pretty sure she’ll either purchase one, get the company to purchase one or go back to what she used to do before so no harm to anyone at all here.
however you can ask her if she wants to buy it?
Hey Anna, I was wondering if you wanted to buy my coffee machine for X dollars so it can stay here?
you can charge a very nominal amount, but it is a nice level of petty.
Just leave it behind and move on.