Once bound by love, the boy’s world shifted when jealousy and fear crept into his stepmom’s heart, severing the ties that once brought him joy. The precious Saturdays spent with his mother’s parents—his last link to a lost past—were taken away, leaving him adrift in a family that struggles to hold itself together. Amidst sickness and silence, he grapples with what it means to belong, to be loved, and to forgive.
My stepmom was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She’s really sick and her and my dad are struggling to keep everything going. They’ve got four kids together 8 and younger and then there’s me (17m).
I don’t have a good relationship with them. I did until I was 6. Then things went badly.
So my mom died when I was only a baby, my dad and stepmom met when I was 2. I really loved her and was close to her and I remember when it changed. My stepmom didn’t want me to spend time with my mom’s parents anymore.
Mom was their only child and I was their only grandchild so I was extra special to them. My dad felt bad for them or so he said and disagreed with her. I loved spending one Saturday a month with them.
My stepmom was jealous. She felt like if she was my mom then I didn’t need my grandparents on mom’s side. I remember her sitting me down and asking me to stop seeing my grandparents so I could be her son for real.
She said it made her sad when I left and she didn’t like that they confused me about who my mom was, because I’d say I had two moms and I looked like one and the other lived with me.
I didn’t want to stop seeing them and she asked if I felt that way even if it made her sad. I said I didn’t want her to be sad but I loved my grandparents.
The relationship changed after that. She stopped being loving and affectionate, she stopped picking me up from school or spending time with me. If I went to hug her she’d push me off and if I talked to her she was cold.
One Sunday we were alone because my dad got called into work for an emergency and I wanted to spend time with her. She told me I hurt her and she didn’t want to spend time with me anymore.
She told me I wasn’t her son anymore and she wasn’t my mom. She tried to have the actions have consequences talk but I didn’t really get what she was talking about then. All I knew was she didn’t love me anymore.
I cried over it and my dad knew. He stayed married and he told me it wouldn’t be so bad. After that if my dad couldn’t stay home with me I had a sitter or I went to my grandparents house.
When my dad and stepmom had their first baby she said the baby was their first kid and they were first time parents. My dad kinda corrected her but not really. Family photos were taken without me and she used to get so pissed at my dad when he’d bring me on family vacations with them.
If anyone called me my stepmom’s son or called her my mom she’d lash out at them. She always put a lot of feeling into the *not* ***my*** *son* part. She’d say I wasn’t good enough for her.
My dad’s parents were cut off from all of us because they pushed her on it and she said if she wasn’t good enough to be my only mom then she wasn’t going to pretend to be anything.
I stay as busy as I can so I’m not home a lot and that hasn’t changed since she got sick. Even when she was in the hospital. I’m angry with dad for staying with her and having kids with her and letting her treat me like she did.
I accepted that he was more into being her husband than my dad. I’m keeping out of the way and saving and planning to leave when I graduate.
My dad has asked for my help a few times and he and my stepmom have brought up that I’m doing nothing to make this easier. She told me I clearly want her to die and stuff. I rolled my eyes at her.
My dad told me it was wrong and she could seriously die. I asked why it was my problem. I wasn’t a part of their family anymore and she did not want me to be thought of as anything to her.
Dad told me I could be angry at them and still help because it’s the right thing to do. He said my half siblings hardly know me and I could change it now. I told him nothing needed to change.
He said I was taking my anger out on everyone at the wrong time. He said she could die and he put all this emphasis on the point that the doctors aren’t sure treatment will work and he said how sick she’s been and how she’s been hospitalized twice already.
He said we all need to pull together now and I’m not helping anyone. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) maintains a deeply conflicted and hurt emotional position rooted in years of rejection by his stepmother, who explicitly excluded him from the family unit. His primary conflict is whether he owes any level of support or familial duty to his stepmother now, given her serious illness, despite her past actions and his feeling that his father prioritized his marriage over his role as a father.
Should the OP prioritize his personal history of rejection and his plans for independence, or is the ethical obligation to help his father and younger siblings during a medical crisis, even if it means temporarily setting aside resentment toward the stepmother? Is assisting in this grave situation an act of basic human decency, or is it an endorsement of a relationship that caused significant past emotional harm?
Here’s how people reacted:
This is bridge burning territory, but since they’re playing the ‘she could die’ card, I ask your dad if, if your stepmother does die, will he let his next wife treat their kids together the way he’s allowed her to treat you? If he says he’ll remarry, ask if it’s because your stepmother is as irreplaceable to him as your mum is to you.
Since her kids are still young, I’d ask her how she feels about the idea that the next wife might just come on in and make herself their only mum and try to cut them off from her family. Would that make her happy, the idea of a new stepmother thinking she’s replaceable? Would it make her happy if her kids were punished for holding onto her as their mother and for wanting to see her family?
That’s what they have done, and now she’s staring down the barrel of her kids ending up in the same damn boat, and instead of reflecting on what she’s done and apologising, and instead of your dad reflecting on what he’s done, they’re trying to guilt you into looking after their kids, and she’s too busy trying to play the victim by manipulate you by saying you want her to die and all. Honestly, I’d just say that I didn’t want her to die, but if she does, the one thing I’d do for her kids is make damn sure that a new stepmother never treats them the way she’s treated you, especially since your dad is incapable or unwilling to protect and advocate for his own children because he’ll always choose his spouse.
Is it possible for you to go live with your grandparents now? Your father and stepmother are going to be under a lot of stress while she is sick. This is probably one more level of pressure you don’t need in your life. You need to focus on school and hopefully moving on to college so that you can take charge of your life as soon as you turn 18 and are a legal adult. I would also suggest for you to try therapy. What you went through with your father and stepmother could hinder your ability to form healthy relationships for the rest of your life if you don’t work through the feelings now. I’m so sorry you had to be ignored, neglected and abused for most of your childhood without a mother and a basically absent father. It sounds like your father and his wife refuse to be accountable for their bad behavior, which is a shame. Reach out to your grandparents to be your source of support from now on. You are fortunate to have them still in your life. Good luck.
Your dad asking for help now, when the stakes feel higher, is a lot to process, especially when your stepmom has been so hurtful to you. You’re not obligated to be emotionally involved or do anything you’re not comfortable with, especially given how she treated you. It’s okay to set boundaries around what you’re willing to do.
However, some people might say that this could be an opportunity for you to separate your anger from the situation and act out of compassion for your father or your younger half-siblings. Still, it’s your right to prioritize your own emotional well-being, and you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your distance, especially given the circumstances.
So, NTA for not wanting to help right now. You’re entitled to your feelings, and it’s understandable that you’re still carrying the weight of what happened.
However, they’re likely not going to let up on this. Do you have any other place you can go until you’re 18? Or you could say you’ll help for money. This being a very transactional relationship.
NTA.
“Where was your righteous anger when that woman you married willfully disowned and disavowed me because I dared to love my mother’s parents. Where was your compassion you sent your own parents away to cater to her evil? No…
You don’t get to say the word family to me after what you let her do. As for her? Hell has a special place all set out, and I won’t shed one tear when she gets settled in. That’s what consequences look like. Choke on them you hypocritical piece of work.”
She was very cruel to you as a child and never even tried to apologize or do any better later
Your dad prioritized her over you and made it clear when it comes down to it he values her feelings over yours
It’s your own choice what you decide to do
But your not in the wrong either way
You don’t have to care when they don’t
She tried to have the action consequences conversation with a very young child.
You can now have the action consequences conversation with 2 adults. She decided to punish a child for wanting to see his grandparents. So now the consequence of years of saying that she is nothing to you is back to bite her.
She tried to have the action consequences conversation with a very young child.
You can now have the action consequences conversation with 2 adults. She decided to punish a child for wanting to see his grandparents. So now the consequence of years of saying that she is nothing to you is back to bite her.
You can’t be emotionally abusive to a child and then be shocked when they don’t want to help their abuser. You deserve a better dad OP
Sooooo NTA. Stay away, she just wants to use you.
Textbook example of emotional parentification. She made you responsible for her emotional wellbeing. NTA
If she wanted your help, she could have treated you well. Why was she so hurt by something a 6 year old said?