Yet, beneath the joy of their engagement, a storm brews as the fiancée’s grandmother voices harsh judgments and old-fashioned expectations. Her refusal to accept anything less than a diamond ring threatens to cast a shadow over the couple’s happiness, igniting a clash between modern love and rigid tradition that challenges the very foundation of their relationship.
I (29M) just proposed to my girlfriend (27F) of four years. She doesn’t really like jewelry as a whole, and has said she doesn’t like diamonds. I was really struggling to find a ring that I thought she’d like enough to wear.
My mother pulled me aside and offered me one. She had a beautiful Sapphire ring that’s been in my family for any years, and Sapphire happens to be my fiancés birthday stone. I proposed with the ring, and she loves it.
She always commented on how pretty she thought the ring was, so I’m really happy she likes it so much, and I’m thrilled my mom approves of her so much she’d offer a family ring (Not that it would have stopped me from proposing either way).
My fiancées grandmother however has been up my ass ever since I proposed about how I must not love her, how dare I give her a used ring, she can’t believe her granddaughter doesn’t have a diamond.
Here’s where I’m most likely the asshole. We had dinner with her family and she wouldn’t let up. My fiancée said she loved the ring and didn’t like diamonds. That still didn’t stop her grandmother and finally I said “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you’ve more made your disapproval clear, we don’t need to keep beating the dead horse here.”
Now she’s all sorts of offended and is demanding my fiancée call off the wedding. My fiancées dad wants me to apologize to keep the peace with her mother, but my fiancée doesn’t want me to because she doesn’t think I did anything wrong.
So WIBTA if I didn’t apologize to her grandmother?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) successfully proposed to his girlfriend using a meaningful family heirloom ring, which she genuinely loves. However, the fiancée’s grandmother has strongly opposed this choice, focusing on the ring being pre-owned and not a diamond, leading to significant family tension and a demand for the wedding to be called off.
Given that the fiancée supports the OP and loves the ring, is the OP obligated to apologize to the grandmother merely to appease the fiancée’s father and maintain superficial family peace, or is standing firm on the appropriateness of his loving choice the correct path?
Here’s how people reacted:
People get absolutely nutty regarding engagement rings. They get nutty about rings that have nothing to do with them. As long as the two people in the scenario are happy with the selection and the engagement, it’s really nobody else’s business.
Once upon a time, my father was engaged. It didn’t work out and the woman gave the ring back to him. Several years later he met my mother. When he proposed, he asked her if she would be offended if he used the ring he already had. (I’m sure there are people GASPING right about now.) My mother has a great sense of humor and told him, “I’m kissing the same lips she kissed. Using the same ring does not bother me AT ALL.” My parents are now at 52 years. My mother still doesn’t mind that it was a used ring intended for someone else. SHE is the one who has stuck through better and worse with him. That’s really what matters.
You need to stand firm here. Your fiancée supports how you handled it. And both of you tried to be nicer about it and she would not quit. And what you said wasn’t even that rude to begin with. You just made it clear you and your fiancée were done “discussing” it with her.
You need to stand with your fiancée on this. Not give in to their ridiculous demands that you apologize to someone who was being an absolute asshole to you two.
You would be the asshole* if you go behind your fiancée’s back and apologize to her grandmother and basically saying that her treatment of you and your fiancée was actually acceptable.
The grandma sounds like a handful, like a narcissist who is used to being catered to, which is why your F-FIL is being a flying monkey to try to keep the peace. That is HIS problem, not yours. Your fiance obviously recognizes the unhealthy dynamic and is refusing to play along, which is really great.
Your fiance is happy and doesn’t want you to apologize. That is all the answer you need. Direct any further inquiries from her family, to her.
You were nicer than I would have been – she sounds like a hag and her son sounds like a doormat.
You established your boundary pretty tactfully. Any normal person would get the hint to stfu
You and fiancee are fine with it. Grandma’s opinion is irrelevant (which I would mention if she brought up again, because I’m like that lol) and sounds like she just wants to be offended about something. So fine, she gets to be offended but you don’t have to apologise for living your life as the two of you see fit
NTA
I think people should quit coddling and bending over to appease people like this to “keep the peace” and instead address the behavior that is actually disrupting the peace in the first place.
Don’t muzzle one person for another’s incessant mouth.
Granny seems like she’s trying to pick a fight. Who said it has to be a diamond? The De Beers company sold people on that stupid idea, because they owned the mines. And don’t forget that Princess Diana wore a sapphire engagement ring, that’s now worn by Duchess Kate.
You didn’t tell granny to fuck off; you just clearly told her you didn’t want to discuss it anymore.
It seems like if this is a single incident, you should apologize. If Grandma is always complaining about something, it will blow over.
Your fiancée doesn’t want you to apologize, so I think you should follow her lead here. Maybe suggest she talk with her father and grandmother, but don’t apologize if she doesn’t want you to.
You’re both happy. That matters so much more than the stone.
Her dad is being unreasonable by expecting an apology. He should have stepped up to tell her to stop.
Oh wait. ESH. You know in posts like these we all want to see the ring now! Pay the ring tax please lol
You got your fiancée what she likes, what she wanted, and she’s happy. Therefore, NTA.