In the shadows of secrecy and whispered expectations, this story unravels a complex tapestry of emotions—duty, fear, and resilience—woven through the brother’s reluctant acceptance and the sister’s unwavering hope. It is a testament to the lengths family will go, navigating uncharted territories of trust and vulnerability to build a future that once seemed out of reach.
My sister and her wife can’t have kids together for obvious reasons, so they asked me to be a “known sperm doner”. They first brought it up to me years prior jokingly before I was deployed as she lovingly said “just in case I don’t make it back” but like most of the time when my sister has a big ask to make, she just asks and expects an answer right away.
For multiple reasons I said no the biggest being that a month or so later I was being deployed and didn’t have the time to get everything done. She was annoyingly mad for a while but eventually got over it.
Moving on to a little over a year ago, they asked me again and I agreed. My sister and I live in different states from each other, so I had to travel to get a lot of the tests done the sperm analysis, physical, meeting with lawyers, a genic test and a psychological exam.
Other than a few family members no one really knew what was happening but eventually her wife was inseminated she’s currently coming to the end of her pregnancy. When I was told that she’s for sure pregnant I went and told a few of my closer friends that my sister and her wife are expecting.
They all asked pretty much the same question, how? After explaining I was met with a bombardment of more questions like won’t you feel attached to the kid, what if the kid looks like you, are you going to play a father role and so on and so on.
In my mind that kids not mine I just played a small role in her creation but other than that she’ll just be my niece.
About me, I have no intention of ever having kids of my own. I don’t like children especially babies at all, my best friend had a kid almost two years ago when I went to his house, he put his kid in my arms, and I told him to take it back immediately.
I know it’s an unpopular opinion but yeah, I just don’t like kids. I guess what I’m asking is aitah for not acting as her father figure.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) entered into an agreement to be a sperm donor for his sister and her wife, fully aware of the implications, yet he now expresses a strong aversion to having any parental role or emotional attachment to the resulting child. His conflict stems from his prior agreement and the expectations, perhaps implied or understood, that come with playing such a significant biological role, contrasting sharply with his stated personal disinterest in children and his desire to maintain the role of only an uncle.
Given the OP’s clear personal boundaries regarding fatherhood versus the biological connection established through donation, is he justified in refusing any father-figure role, or does the magnitude of his contribution create an unavoidable responsibility that overrides his personal comfort levels?
Here’s how people reacted:
You gave your sister and her wife a great gift. You will still be that child’s uncle, but you have no obligation to act as her father. In in situations where the donor is anonymous, they are not expected to act as a father to the child that is conceived using their sample. It shouldn’t be any different with you just because you know the couple. You’ve already given them something they wanted and couldn’t give themselves, you shouldn’t be expected to give any more. Your role is done. If you had donated to a couple you’ve never met, you wouldn’t be expected to be in that kid’s life, that’s how donation works. If you don’t want to take on a father role for your niece, you don’t need to and your sister and her wife should not ask that of you.
You are also really generous in the fact that now, your niece will biologically be a part of your sister’s family and her wife’s family, she is part of both of those family trees instead of half of her family history being blank. You’ve given your sister, her wife, and their child the benefit of knowing the medical history, the family history, etc. That is a big deal, as many adopted children or children from egg or sperm donors never know their family history, even as it pertains to medical history.
In the future, for people who don’t already know the details, just say that your sister and her wife went through an agency and got an anonymous donor. No one needs to know it was you.
Side note, I’m super happy to read that your sister is not carrying, that would be a little weird.
You gave your sister a chance to have a baby that has both her wife’s genetics and some of her own. That’s a wonderful and generous gift!
Even if the child looks like you, it’s not unusual for a child to resemble am aunt or uncle, given that siblings share genetics!
You are not the AH for not feeling any parental attachment to your niece.
Wishing your sister and her wife the best for the upcoming birth of their baby girl!
You helped two people create a new part of their family and that’s a good thing. Especially since your sister now had a genetic link to her child.
Also, good for you knowing you don’t want kids. You might want to make that permanent so a future partner doesn’t have an “oops”.
NTA
When people asked just tell them they did it thru a sperm donor with IVF. That’s exactly what they did and that’s how it’s done with most lesbian/gay couples. They don’t have to know of your sperm used. Stops the bombarding, the unwanted comments
you gave your sister the gift of a biological child with her partner. That’s a big ask, and not one to take lightly. I’m glad you guys did it properly