But beneath the icing and sprinkles lies a painful memory—a moment when love was overshadowed by harsh criticism and impossible expectations. When asked again to bake for her sister-in-law’s baby shower, the baker’s heart hesitated, haunted by the past and the fear that her gift might once more be taken for granted, turning joy into strain.
So I’ve got a massive family, one of 6 siblings. My youngest brother got married last year and his wife is now pregnant with their first baby. She was planning on having a big baby shower sometime over the summer and wanted me to be in charge of baked goods (cake, cupcakes, etc).
I’m a big baking hobbyist and I make a lot of very extravagant cakes for family/friends. This has always been a thing of mine and I’ve probably made more than 100 big event cakes for people over the years.
I’ve always done it for free as a gift to people as well.
The issue is SIL recently approached me about her baby shower cake and after thinking about it I called her to say I won’t be able to make it for her. The reason being that a few years ago she asked me to make a bday cake for her niece and it was a disastrous moment.
My SIL is extremely picky/perfectionist and treated me like a hired caterer. It was a supremely unpleasant memory being so micromanaged and getting constant criticism that she swore was constructive.
I remember breaking down at one point because I wanted it to be over so much but couldn’t back out so late. Afterwards I did tell her about how I was upset over the experience and she told me to be less sensitive (specifically she texted me “I think this is a good learning experience for you if you ever want to be a professional.
Nothing I’ve said has been mean-spirited. It was all to help you be better.”)
So this time I told her I’m not baking any cakes soon (this is true. I’m in poor health and I’m not baking for anyone). But this has really offended her because she knows for a fact I’ve made baby shower cakes for all my sisters’ pregnancies as well as other SILs.
She sent me a really long email the other day saying she’s disappointed in me excluding her during such a big milestone and that she’ll remember how I treated her in the future. She also CC’d my mom and sisters who later texted me to say SIL is insane and has texted them all individually to discuss how unreasonable I’m being.
My husband is urging me to just make the damn cake to keep the peace but the more I think about it the more I don’t want to. I’ve normally been kind of a pushover about these things but I truly hate how SIL treated me during the last cake commission and I don’t want to go through another one.
I hate engaging with her because she always makes me feel so small and like an idiot who needs help. Even her last email was lecturing me about what a bad person I was being. But I also know it will seem like her baby shower is much less “special” without the kind of cakes I’ve made everyone else in the past.
AITA if I’m stubborn about not making this cake?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between honoring a deeply negative past experience with their sister-in-law (SIL) regarding a high-stress baking request and the family expectation to provide a special, custom cake for the upcoming baby shower. The OP’s current decision to refuse is rooted in self-preservation after feeling micromanaged and emotionally attacked during a prior interaction, leading to a conflict with the SIL’s expectation of receiving the same free, elaborate service as other family members.
Given the history of painful micromanagement and the OP’s current health constraints, is the OP justified in prioritizing their mental well-being and declining the baking request, or should they comply with family pressure to ensure the SIL’s baby shower feels as ‘special’ as the others?
Here’s how people reacted:
BUT
You are a grown woman. You are being an asshole by not being honest and telling her why you are not comfortable with making her a – what really boils down to – a family “heirloom” cake. You need to be honest. You don’t have to be cruel, but at least tell her that her critiques, although she surely felt like they were constructive, made you feel you could not live up to her expectations. With that scrutiny, it no longer felt like a joyfully given gift, but rather an unhappy chore. You wanted to enjoy the shower with your brother, her and your family and you couldn’t do that under that kind of pressure again.
Now if she pushes the point, she becomes the sole asshole here and you are an adult. Then again, this might be a learning moment for her and she works to improve her behavior. ( lol, I know, right?)
Best of luck!
My email reply would start with: this typical response is exactly the reason I decided 5 years ago I would no longer bake for you. We’ve discussed this in private, but since you’ve decided to throw me under the bus in front our family, I feel it’s only fair to outline my reservations. Reservations which you have only continued to support with selfish behavior… then outline facts, this is a time for cold, hard, ice in your veins reply, but give honest criticism of her treatment of you.
NTA. Stick up for yourself. You teach people how to treat you, and you don’t have to resign yourself to doormat status just to “keep the peace.”
Here’s my go to – I’m sorry, that’s just not going to work this time.
And I’d add, – I’m sorry the future of our relationship resides on whether or not I bake you a cake.
And leave it at that.
Your husband doesn’t have to deal with it.
Also, when you are in business for yourself you do get to choose with whom you care to work. Your history speaks for itself. She asked, you said no.
Oh, and you “aren’t saying it to be mean-spirited, you’re trying to be helpful!” Add that.
But I would also be blunt and tell her she was out of line with the last cake she ordered and this is why you’re hesitant. If she’s reasonable maybe she’ll make efforts to change and assure you this time will be different.
On the other hand I know what it’s like fulfilling commissions for difficult people like that so there are some situations where pleasing someone is not worth the mental anguish.
Given your previous experience I dont blame you for not wanting to. But I can see why she feels disappointed and left out.
Edit
Somehow people seem to think by not calling SIL an AH I’m suggesting OP bake the cake, to be clear I’m not. OP is not an AH for not wanting to given her previous experience with SIL. But I don’t think SIL is an AH for being disappointed and sending an email.
OMG. You should totally post this under Choosing Beggars. Shame on her for treating you like you’re obligated to take care of her baked goods needs. And SUPER BIG shame on your husband for not being on your side no matter what. Stand your ground. Stand up for yourself. NEVER explain why you want to do or not do something.
Be firm, but nice. Don’t apologize.
But just tell her the truth, that last time you made her a cake you felt like she didn’t appreciate your efforts and she would be better off hiring a professional for her standards.
And be firm, she’s going to try to push you around, keep saying no!
Say that you hated the way the last time you made a cake went and that she made you feel upset and like hired help.
Perhaps she’ll apologize and you two can regain a good footing.
She kinda sounds like a dick tho LOL
However, you might want to be honest about why you aren’t doing it, because from her perspective you are simply lying.
It’s easier for her to be snarky about you not making a cake than to have to deal with her AND make a cake.