Caught between loyalty and principle, one friend finds himself standing at a crossroads where silence feels like complicity, and speaking up risks fracture. In the fragile balance of generosity and respect, the true cost of friendship becomes heartbreakingly clear.
One of my friend is organizing a surprise party for another friend at his own place. He invited me and my girlfriend, and neither of us drink alcohol.
In the WhatsApp group, he specified this as part of the rules: *”Everyone is going to split the costs equally, so even people who don’t drink please don’t annoy me as I don’t want to be bothered with any calculations.”*
As part of the group, pretty much only my girlfriend and I don’t drink, and I don’t think it fair for both of us to pay for the alcohol (which is usually a significant chunk of the total).
So I replied with: *”Since I don’t drink, I volunteer to make any required calculations”*.
To which he replied with: *”No, you don’t get it, this is a party and everyone splits evenly, it’s not about the calculations. It’s nothing personal. End of the question.”*
To which I replied with: *”No worries, I’ll pass.”* And I exited the group. Before my girlfriend could reply regarding her availability (she was not in town), he kicked her from the group, which I felt was uncalled for.
Another friend later contacted me and told me something along the lines of: *”Man, I have to say that your reaction was excessive, we are adults and we can spare a few extra dollars each.”*
I don’t get it — if I was organizing I would never force people to pay for something they don’t consume. For me it’s akin to inviting a vegan friend to a barbecue and forcing them to split the cost of the meat.
Where is the flaw in my logic? AITA?
– Even if I don’t chip-in for the alcohol, I would obviously chip-in for all the other costs (food, snacks, soft drinks, decoration, etc.)
– I would be more than willing to cover the alcohol costs for the person being celebrated.
– My friends like playing drinking games that require a large amount of beer. Generally the cost of the alcohol is a significant chunk of the total cost (e.g. 30-60%).
– My girlfriend is a student with zero income. I wouldn’t mind much paying a bit extra as I’m doing well financially, but it doesn’t sit right with me that she would have to do the same, even more so because she usually drinks/eat very little.
– I left the WhatsApp group created ad-hoc for the party, not the “stable” WhatsApp group with everyone in it.
– I care about the birthday person, I’ve contacted my the party planner in private telling him I want to contribute to their gift (or food/drink quota, if that’s meant as the gift).
The friend confirmed that there will be a separate chip-in for a gift to the birthday person, and I will participate in that despite not going to the party.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced significant conflict when the party organizer insisted on an equal cost split for a surprise party, including mandatory contributions toward alcohol consumption, despite the OP and his girlfriend not drinking. The OP prioritized his belief in fairness regarding consumption versus cost, leading him to refuse participation and exit the planning group, which escalated the situation when the organizer subsequently removed his girlfriend from the chat.
Was the OP’s decision to prioritize his principle of not paying for unconsumed items over maintaining group harmony an overreaction, given the organizer’s stated desire to avoid complex accounting? Conversely, was the organizer justified in enforcing an equal split for simplicity, or did his subsequent action of kicking the girlfriend represent an inappropriate power move against a legitimate objection?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your responses were a bit over the top too. I volunteer to do the calculations? Just say I’ll be unable to attend if it’s against what you want to do. Or an alternate suggestion is “hey, I’d rather chip in for decorations” or something of substance. Your response makes you sound either cheap (which if you have financial reasons just say I can on my afford $X dollars right now. Is that ok?) or judgmental. If you don’t want to drink or if these people drink a lot and get crazy, just exit stage left quickly and say you can’t attend.
As for the gf being uninvited, it’s your friends planning it? Then why would she still be included? I do kind of think they may be AHish here but the comment the made about separating out costs indicates you and maybe she made a big deal out of it before? Did their comment start it? That may make them a bit AHish too.
If we’re talking about a little bit of money, then I would say you were being kind of a prick. When you’re splitting a party, you’re not charging people for each thing that they happen to use. If you don’t like balloons, you’re not going to refuse to pay for the balloons. If you don’t like pepperoni pizza, you’re not going to say what you’re only going to pay for the cheese pizza.
However, if it’s a party where the alcohol is going to be very expensive then I would see your point. If it’s going to cost you hundreds or hundreds of dollars to split for the alcohol, yeah I wouldn’t be too happy about that either. If you’re talking about 20-30 bucks, then you’re being a cheap bastard.
And I don’t drink at all.
He was upfront.
Everyone who was saying it is easy, it isn’t necessarily that easy. Go to throw grocery store or Costco and buy all the food and cases of beer, then yes, you do have to go through all the receipts.
Is this guy doing all the shopping and such?
I’ll go to parties where I eat one slice of pizza and other people eat 3.
Some events have a per head/cover charge, and that is basically what this is. Some people make it “worth it,” and others wish they had the option of paying a la carte.
You bowed out, which is fine.
Your friend is an asshole with his response to you. I think his comment about people who don’t think is saying something deeper.
You could have handled it better. I don’t get the whole thing about “calculation”. If it’s about an even split of bring shit, what is the trouble to bring in non-alcoholic items of equal value? You could have suggested that. Sodas? Snacks? A fucking casserole?
Your dipping out of the group makes you looks childish too.
I went to a birthday event at a bar while unemployed and desperately trying to save money. Some of us ordered a drink and main course, while others had starter, main, dessert and several drinks. Birthday boy suggested we split the bill equally. That was also a hard no.
You were invited to a gathering with expectations stated explicitly and clearly. You didn’t agree with the expectations. Your response should have been to respond by saying you’re not available and won’t be able to attend. Instead you stirred up drama and drama ensued.
INFO: Are you willing to chip in for alcohol for the person whose birthday it is? Also sort of depends on how its being organized, is everyone who will be in attendance involved in organizing, or is there a small group of organizers who are putting the money down and a larger group of invitees who will just be guests?
NTA