Despite countless attempts to reach out and bring harmony, his concerns were met with gentle dismissal, as if the pain he carried was nothing more than a passing phase. A year of strained silence and unacknowledged frustration has pushed him to the edge, questioning how much more he can endure while holding onto the love that brought them all together.
I’m 38M and my girlfriend 41F moved in with me about a year ago along with her 20yr. old son. It was supposed to be temporary while she figured out a new place after some stuff with her lease fell through.
I didn’t mind I care about her and I wanted to help. I have a decent sized place and I figured we could all make it work for a while.
But man her son just doesn’t like me. I don’t know if it’s personal or if he’s just like this in general but from the beginning he’s had this attitude super dismissive and kinda arrogant.
He barely says two words to me. I’ll ask him something simple like hey can you take your laundry out of the dryer and he’ll just stare at me or say yeah whatever. He doesn’t pay rent doesn’t clean up after himself and acts like he’s doing me a favor by just existing here.
I’ve tried talking to my girlfriend about it more than once and every time she brushes it off. Says he’s just stressed or adjusting” It’s been a year. This isn’t adjusting this is just how he acts.
It’s gotten to the point where I dread coming home. I stay late at work, I run extra errands just to avoid being in my own house. I love her but I can’t keep living like this in silence.
I feel like a guest in my own space. So now I’m thinking about asking her to move out if his son do not move out he’s 20 already. Not in a get out of my life way but just this isn’t working.
I still want to be with her but I need peace. I need to feel like I’m not constantly being disrespected in my own home. Would I be the asshole for that? Part of me feels like I’d be abandoning her but another part of me feels like I’m letting myself be steamrolled.
I don’t know.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant distress because his girlfriend’s 20-year-old son, who has been living in the OP’s house for a year under temporary circumstances, shows consistent disrespect and contributes nothing to the household. The central conflict lies between the OP’s need to maintain respect and peace in his own home and his desire to support his girlfriend, leading him to consider asking the son to move out, which he fears might be perceived as abandonment.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing his need for a respectful living environment by asking the adult son to leave, even if it means creating immediate instability for his girlfriend, or would this action be an unfair ultimatum that compromises the relationship built on his initial goodwill?
Here’s how people reacted:
Anytime you push back against entrenched dysfunctional behavior, expect the worst. They use anger and hurt, feeling as a defensive mechanism and deflecting the feeling of toxicity to you, and off of thrm. People don’t like it when you upset their order. You’re just gonna have to man up and be OK w it.
On the flip side, knowing boundaries so well and why so other people just know what your boundaries without even testing them and that they are not up for debate. It is the surest way of avoiding conflict causing situations to begin w.
My wife watched me go no contact to some family members and its amazing the conversations we have now that we’re off limits before. Point being, you may have to be OK ending a relationship for them to know, and anyone going forward you’re not an easy mark because of your empathetic attitude. You can be both, by the way, empathetic and tough.
In fact, what you’re doing now is not love. Its enabling just as she has done…one small innocuous step closer to anger and hate at a time. Before you know it you’re lost in the woods like Hansel and Gretal. Toxic people lead your soul to toxic places.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You’re saying, “I can’t live in discomfort every day in my own home because of someone who doesn’t even speak to me with respect.” That’s not selfishness, it’s self-care.
The boy is already an adult. If he can’t behave like one, it’s not your responsibility to put up with him. And if your partner can’t see how this is affecting you, the problem isn’t just the child.
I mean her son doesn’t have to like you for being the new guy in his mom’s life but he can be respectful and cordial since you have lovingly opened your home to them.
At this point, them staying is just an excuse to free themselves from the obligations of having to pay rent; you should definitely ask them to move out and if your partner can’t see how it’s affecting you, I’m not sure if she’s right for you.
Take back your space. NTA
Even though the kid is 20 years old, he’s going to be in his mother’s life in some way for the rest of his life, even if he’s not living with her. But if he wasn’t there all the time it might be a lot easier to deal with in small increments.
I didn’t correct my attitude until I was told not to come to the kitchen in the morning unless I put a smile on my face. It was surprising how that was under my control. From then on, I always came out with a smile and a pleasant attitude. He can do it, too when you draw a line in the sand.
You are doing them a favor and they are both taking advantage of you.
Tell her you need your peace and happiness back. You love her but you can’t continue dreading being home.
Updateme
Once you ask them to move out expect the relationship to probably end.
Can’t abide by them or at least be civil?
Off they go. Both of them.