Years later, the relationship between the children and John and Cathy has grown distant, partly because John and Cathy were unable to have children together, and the kids felt pressured to console Cathy. Recently, John aggressively pursued the OP to force the children to re-engage with him and Cathy, culminating in John confronting the OP at her home, demanding she encourage the kids to treat Cathy as a mother figure and ensure Cathy is included in future family milestones. The OP firmly rejected these demands, leading to a confrontation where she told John to leave, causing her relationship with John’s sister to deteriorate as well.
I (46f) was married to my ex-husband John (48m) a decade when I found out he had cheated multiple times with multiple women, one of whom became a fully fledged affair. We had three young kids at the time.
How I found out was I started suffering some concerning symptoms, went to the doctor and some tests were ran and it was discovered I had gonorrhea which had caused pelvic inflammatory disorder.
The whole thing was devastating and John didn’t even pretend he was concerned about me but he was concerned about his affair partner Cathy. The two of them married after the divorce and I had to pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences of John’s cheating and his lasting gift and help my kids deal with the divorce.
All while I had to be civil in front of the kids which killed me.
I had minimal contact with John and Cathy. I refused to speak to either unless I had to. A few times they attempted additional contact with the aim of us being friends but I shot that down and I told the two of them to rot in hell.
The kids had a good relationship with their dad until a few years ago. But John and Cathy were unable to have children together. I believe she had miscarriages and stillbirths and my kids felt there was pressure on them to gather around them and love Cathy so she’d still feel like a mother but none of them had a close relationship with her and they felt like their dad was manipulative about it so they started going to his house less and faded away.
My youngest graduated in May and didn’t invite John or Cathy. There were discussions about it but ultimately he decided he would prefer to focus on his achievement and not the drama.
John attempted to get me to force my youngest’s hand and he tried to throw a pity party about their losses and Cathy’s love for the kids and her losing the chance to be a mother. I blocked him after several text messages about this.
Now I’ve had him at my house trying to make me feel bad for him and Cathy by talking about all the losses and asking me to help him make this better. Which to him means he wants the kids back in his and Cathy’s lives and for me to encourage them to love both of them and to let them, but especially Cathy, feel like she won’t miss out on all the motherly experiences.
He wanted me to treat her like their other mother and present as a team so that when weddings and babies come along she’ll be included and equal in all of it.
I had no patience for his request and even though he was already upset talking about the losses I was not kind when I told him to get away from my house and from me. I told him I will never feel bad for him and that his pity party and attempt to make me responsible for their happiness after the way he treated me was outrageous.
I told him he caused all of this and he can fix it but he doesn’t deserve a single ounce of kindness or compassion from me after his actions in our marriage. He tried to argue but I closed my front door and he left after that.
I was on good terms with John’s sister after everything went down but once she heard about our interaction at my house she turned on me. She told me she understands me hating them but John has been broken up about all the losses they have endured and I could have been a little kinder.
And that I should want my kids to have John and Cathy in their lives. That I should be able to see it would be better for them and future grandkids. I told her I owed the two of them nothing and did not wish for their happiness.
She told me I had proven to be spiteful and hurt her brother more than a decade ago now and it’s truly in the past.
I’m disappointed that relationship broke down but feel like it was possibly naive to think it would always survive what happened because John’s her brother first. I do value her opinion, or did before this.
I disagree with what she said but I also feel like I shouldn’t dismiss it without seeking others opinions when I have always valued what she says before. Even though I believe this is just a loyalty thing at the end of it all.
Conclusion
The OP is dealing with the lingering emotional fallout from her ex-husband’s severe betrayal, which included health consequences and a decade of necessary co-parenting efforts while maintaining boundaries against his new family. The central conflict revolves around the OP’s refusal to sacrifice her emotional well-being and her children’s autonomy to accommodate the guilt and desires of her ex-husband and his wife, who are seeking validation and inclusion after causing significant harm.
The question is whether the OP was justified in her harsh rejection of her ex-husband’s demands and subsequent interactions with his sister, or if, given the passage of time and the impact on extended family relationships, she should have shown more measured kindness or compromise regarding the children’s future relationship with Cathy. Should the OP prioritize her need to protect herself and maintain firm boundaries, or should she attempt to mitigate the ongoing family damage by softening her stance?
Here’s how people reacted:
He cheated, gave you a disease, destroyed your marriage, and now wants to play house because his mistress can’t have children? That’s not just delusional. It’s pathetic. Karma finally caught up, and now he’s scrambling to rewrite history with you as the bad guy? The audacity is unreal.
And your ex-sister-in-law? Ask her if she’d be this understanding if someone blew up her marriage, gave her an STD, and then came back years later begging for a do-over. I’m betting not.
You owe them nothing. Live your life, love your kids, and block anyone who tries to bring chaos back into your peace. And if they keep pushing, take legal action. You’ve already survived the worst, and they don’t get to pull you back into the mess they created.
You don’t owe them pity or sympathy.
Don’t let him spin the narrative. Your kids are old enough to make their own judgements, just make sure they are clear on the details so there is no confusion.
As for being bitter- your ex and his sister do not get to dictate your grief, your timelines, the kids grief and their timelines. It’s arrogant and absurd that they feel entitled to you prioritising their relationships with the kids rather than working it out themselves. They just want to have it fixed rather than do the work themselves.
So NTA.
Updateme
It’s too bad your relationship with your former sister-in-la broke down, but I wonder if it occurs to her that John is the creator of his own misery?
You’re completely correct. You owe him and his AP-turned wife nothing. They did this to themselves.
As far as Cathy is concerned, she knowingly hooked up with a man who was married and she had no problem taking him away from his children. It’s sad that she can’t have a family of her own, but it begs the question, is it possible she was exposed to an STD that made pregnancy impossible?
Whatever the situation, your children are old enough to make up their own minds. They don’t need you or anyone else telling them who to spend their time with.
You did nothing wrong, you’ve been quite civil it sounds like. Good on you
If John and his replacement oven are having issues with finalising the baking product, perhaps they could learn to use a microwave or purchase ready-made options.
You are not responsible for the state of John and oven’s cooking difficulties. There are plenty of ready-made options in the world that need a loving home. Why has John not considered these options?
He knows this
That’s why he’s so upset
He nuked his entire life for this woman and figured he’d just make some new babies and replace the family he lost
But karma does what karma does and now his own kids want very little to do with him
So he has a choice to make
Stay with his affair partner or admit defeat, leave her, and focus on his kids
Either way….none of this is one you
NTAH
You are NTA. He’s facing the natural consequences of his actions, to expect anything more than indifference from you is presumptuous.
Listen to your children and follow their lead. You owe your ex husband and his family nothing.
It’s not your responsibility to soften the consequences of his actions for him. It sucks that Cathy wasn’t able to have children, but your kids aren’t meant to be the “make ups”. Adoption is a thing and so is surrogacy.
I’m mad for you that you got lasting damages. He didn’t care about your sexual health and deserves no respite. Again, not your responsibility.
If I did something this despicable and cruel to my wife my sister would never speak to me again, and she and my wife aren’t even close! It would just be a general principles thing. And she’d be right to do it. Any real friend would’ve distanced themselves from a family member who did something this vile.
Him and Cathy and his sister can kick rocks.
I also feel like they’re just angling to be in their future grandchildren’s lives. Like she can have a second (or third) chance at motherhood when any future grandkids are born.
John FO
John whine like a little bitch.
Stick to your anger.
Not. Your. Problem.