NTA, but you need to reframe your argument if you want any chance of being heard.

Right now, you’re (understandably) demanding an apology from her family, but based on what you said, your wife was in on this “loyalty test.” That means this wasn’t just a rogue cousin testing boundaries—this was a setup from the inside. Whether or not her entire family orchestrated it, your wife greenlit it or at the very least knew it was happening and didn’t stop it. So asking her family to acknowledge they were “out of line” might be a dead end, because they’re likely under the impression that it was your wife’s idea (or at least that she was okay with it).

Instead, shift the conversation to what this was actually about: an attack on your character and your trust.

You were loyal. You shut it down. And instead of being appreciated for it, you were treated like a suspect with no cause. That’s deeply disrespectful and incredibly damaging to a relationship. You don’t owe anyone access to your home or your life if they don’t treat you with basic trust and decency.

You’re not “starting a war.” You’re setting a boundary. You’re saying you won’t tolerate people who manufacture situations that paint you as untrustworthy and then expect you to smile and eat dinner like nothing happened.

It’s fair to tell your wife you’re not comfortable around people who make baseless judgments about you, especially if they’re doing it with her involvement or approval. And it’s okay to start building a life that isn’t centered around her family’s drama. Spend time with friends, go to events without them, take a breather. You’re allowed to have peace in your own home.

This isn’t about revenge. It’s about trust—and right now, the people involved have broken yours. Until they make an effort to repair it (if they ever do), you’re under no obligation to play along.

You need more information, did your wife know about it beforehand, if she did it’s a wife issue, especially if she’s telling you it’s not a big deal.
Did your MIL, FIL, Aunt in law etc. know about it beforehand? Because if everyone didn’t know beforehand then it wasn’t actually a test.
Did you actually confirm the cousin’s story or just believe it was true? Even if her family believe her and defend her they may not have actually know beforehand.

It sounds like you just believed the cousin and then took it out on the MIL and Aunt without any verification.

Here’s a fun solution. When her family does come over, (as they certainty will) sit down with them and in a complete deadpan voice tell them all that you are now considering divorce. Ask them flat out, “Gosh, do you all think its a good idea that we get divorced? You’ve been testing me and and clearly not welcome in this family.” Then just shut up and listen carefully. People will say the most outrageous and stupid things when they are given the floor to speak freely.

You have a much more serious problem with your wife. I’d guess she was in on the test right from the get go but won’t admit it because of your reaction to it. It’s very difficult to be in a marriage without trust.

The rest of her family are just background noise. Yes they suck and cutting them out of your life is the right move but if your wife put them up to it I think that’s what needs to be addressed. Her reaction to this whole thing is very wrong.

Tell your current wife ‘Relationships are built on trust. I no longer can trust them, as they have shown themselves to be duplicitous and manipulative. And you defending them is beginning to make me wonder if you were part of this, and if I can trust you. For this marriage to survive, we need therapy and boundaries. If you can’t accept that, than accept that you and your families actions have likely killed this marriage’

Dude, you got a point, but you are making it in the wrong way, IMHO. Go to that dinner, specially if the cousin is going to be there, and call them all out PUBLICLY. Criticize their behavior to their faces. Pour it on. Make them cry if you can. Publicly demand an apology.

The problem with the way you are doing things is that you are putting your wife in the position of having to apologize for them.

NTA

In my opinion, people only use those “tests” because they are already pretty convinced the subject will fail. This is so f’ed up of her family, but it kinda shows you where you stand with them.
And sounds like your wife KNEW and didnt have a problem…. that says her priority is them over you.

Screw her family, but you and your wife needs to have some serious conversations if you want this marriage to last.

NTA. “If you feel like their “test” was acceptable and they do not owe me, and us as a couple, an apology, I’d like you to move out and live with them. I won’t be disrespected in my home or my marriage, including by my wife. This is the equivalent of me asking you for a paternity test out of nowhere. Please leave and don’t come back until you can acknowledge the difference between concern and manipulation.”

ESH – they were in the wrong and you should do your best not to be around them when you don’t want to be, but you share a home with your wife and it’s a group decision who can come and go. Not a unilateral choice made by one person over another. That’s not to say they should be allowed back but you need to have a genuine conversation about it with your wife, not just telling her how it’s going to be.

NTA, they seem like a toxic bunch of immature idiots. The “test” was evidence of their poor judgement but doubling down to frame your perfectly reasonable reaction suggests there may be no recovering from it. Even worse, it sounds like your wife was in on it. If anything, I think you are under reacting, I would be considering separating.

NTA. Fuck them. And fuck your wife too. It was totally a “them” against you, with your wife with “them”. How incredibly isolating and hurtful to you. Your wife is failing her loyalty test. Until they all acknowledge their hurtful tribe/outsider behavior, you should stick to your guns.

NTA

“hey since you allegedly tried to honeytrap me to test my fidelity and loyalty, at least, thats the story youre now spinning rather than cousinX trying to be a home wrecker – I decided, likewise, to test you in return, I gotta say, youre all failing that test miserably”.

Wasn’t this a trend on TikTok or Insta a while back?

Totally messed up. I think the family are the ones driving a wedge by pulling this crap. Might be worth asking her how she’d feel if you did this to her? And everyone in your friend group ands family were in on it.

NTA and not overreacting. They have some screws loose and your wife should read them the riot act until they admit they were completely out of line and apologize sincerely. And the cousin should be cancelled.

NTA- That is some TOXIC behavior. Sounds like you have a Wife problem. She KNEW they were testing you and allowed that? This is red flag after red flag. Good luck OP, you’re going to need it.

NTA. Tell them you were testing them to see if they could be good in laws that could handle being mature and respectful. Ooops looks like they failed. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

NTA, but your wife is for taking their side. Her family sounds crazy. If anything it will be them who drives a wedge between you and your wife and cause your marriage to fail.

Love that on the gnarly traumatic ones where OP is pouring their heart out all I see is “AI slop” comments but this bullshit gets a free pass🤣

Gotta live Reddit.

Tell your wife this is her loyalty test. She needs to tell her family this was highly inappropriate and you need an apology or she will need a break from them

Why is her family held to a different standard than your wife? She knew about it and are defending their actions. You have a SO problem you aren’t seeing.

NTA, the one who failed the loyalty test was your wife with how she’s handling all this. You deserved to be treated better by her family and by her.

Nta but you have a wife problem. She allowed it. She is defending them and not you. She is showing you no loyalty. She does not have your back.

NTA always always always turn that around on them. “Sorry, but by putting me through that, you failed MY test. And you’re all awful people.”

This is not the inlaws. This is your wife. She knew what was going on and was complicit in this plan and is now continuing to defend it.

NTA – ignore them for a month and then tell them sike, just wanted to test how youd react if you hurt my feelings. you failed 🙂

NTA. I would avoid them from now on, except for really important gatherings where your wife would need you, like a funeral.

NTA

Dude. It’s not going to get any better unless the unconditionally acknowledge how wrong it was and apologize

There’s a reason I’m being cold and disrespectful: it’s because I no longer respect you.

NTA

NTA. But was your wife in on it? If so then I’d be more pissed at my wife than her family.

NTA That is insane. Especially since you’ve already been together five years!

Ummm….you have a wife problem since she was clearly in on it

They are the wedge and they are insane! Who does this?!?!?

NTA. I would stay away until they apologize.

NTA but your biggest problem is your wife.

NTA but your wife definitely knew about it

Well your wife failed the loyalty test.

Well your wife failed the loyalty test.