Now, years later, a simple message rekindles a storm of emotions, stirring memories and unanswered questions. What began as a civil parting, filled with respect and lingering affection, now hangs in delicate balance, as the past reaches out, uncertain and charged with the fragile hope of something more.
We separated in 2021 and then divorced in 2022 after 6 years together. Basically, we wanted kids but found out I can’t have them and the relationship broke down over a disagreement about the potential fertility treatments and timescales of it all – she basically couldn’t wait on the amount of counselling/therapy I’d need before I’d consider things like sperm donation.
I’m 41, she’s 34.
As there wasn’t a lot of animosity in the split and we were very civil, we’ve remained really good friends up until now. I’d be lying if I said there isn’t still love there especially on my end.
We’ve met/spoke fairly regularly still but I haven’t seen her as much in the last 6 months I’d say. I understand she was seeing someone but didn’t know too much – I mean good luck to her, she deserves happiness right.
At the start of the week, I received a random message from her asking if she could see me this weekend asking if we could chat. I’m like yeah ok, but obviously a bit worried as it seemed very ominous.
I say to my cousin who’s still close to her about it and she says something like “she’s obviously wanting to talk about being pregnant”. I kind of was floored and my cousin was embarrassed – she thought I knew which I obviously didn’t.
I call my ex asking if she’s going to tell me she’s pregnant and she was shocked, asking how I knew and I told her that my cousin told me. She was really angry and apologised for me finding out that way which I said was cool.
I told her then I don’t really need her to come around now as I know and don’t think it warrants being told in person – she was upset but said she understood. We ended the call on a good note but after thinking for a bit, realised how hurt I feel so I messaged her saying that I don’t really think it’s appropriate for us to be in contact now she’s having a baby so I don’t want to see her anymore.
She was really upset and was asking me to please call her so I blocked her.
My cousin then gets in touch annoyed that I dobbed her in it with my ex and also that I’ve cut contact with my ex, saying I’m being too hasty, should talk about it with someone etc.
I tell her it’s none of her business and to basically leave it alone and to get to fuck. Now my family have found out about it and are trying to talk me into it and forgive my cousin/speak to my ex.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is dealing with significant emotional fallout after learning that his ex-wife, with whom he maintained a close friendship despite their divorce over fertility issues, is pregnant by another man. His immediate reaction was to cut off contact with both his ex-wife and the cousin who revealed the news, stemming from feelings of hurt and a perceived need to establish firm emotional distance.
Considering the OP’s strong emotional reaction versus the desire to preserve relationships and handle sensitive information appropriately, the core question remains: Was abruptly severing ties with both his ex-wife and his mediating cousin the necessary action to protect his emotional well-being, or did it unjustly escalate a difficult situation that required nuanced communication?
Here’s how people reacted:
I think you owe yourself some closure. Unblock, at least for long enough to message her and explain – or to ask to meet. Explain to her that you love her, and wanted your own family with her. That her moving on and building a family with someone else is too painful, and thus you need to cut all contact and heal.
As time goes on, you’ll more or less move on. I have exes that still pop into my head here and there, but I’m happy with my life and family. Sure some times you wonder what life would be like if you were handed different cards, but you won’t find peace until you take the time away from her – so cutting contact is the right move whether you choose to explain or not.
I wish you luck.
All told, it might not be a bad idea to actually meet your ex one last time. You and your ex made a lot of effort to remain amicable during all this, and it might do you some good to meet her (with predefined boundaries on the conversation), so you can wish her well, let her do the same, and officially put it all behind you.
Or not. Honestly, your choice.
Your family should be warned that this is none of their business, and anybody who continues trying to talk to you about it will discover that they can no longer talk to you at all.
The baby daddy found out about the baby and split. He found out, and ‘noped the fuck out.’
Because he’s like, nope, not ready for this. And her thought goes “I’m going to be a single mom! Oh, please wait a minute. I had somebody who wanted to have kids, And I didn’t do the Groundwork.” We’re already set; the baby will have at least one parent’s genes. He doesn’t have to do anything else but love this child.
Like admirable Ackbar says…. “it’s a trap!”
This isn’t some IVF outcome. She was getting hosed from the inside. Sorry, you couldn’t have kids with your DNA, but they are parasites. Think of it this way: this isn’t a bullet dodged…. It’s a fucking mortar round. Kids will screw your life up.
The best option for your serenity is to leave her in your past. There’s no reason for either of you to view her child as “this could have been us.” That is unfair and unnecessary.
Your family needs to back off and give you compassion.
Please reconsider therapy to help you achieve peace.
But cutting her off cold like that? Might be a little dramatic. She probably wanted to tell you in person out of respect, and now she’s left feeling like she lost a friend on top of everything. Maybe take a sec, process, and then decide if a convo wouldn’t hurt. No harm in setting boundaries, but don’t nuke the bridge unless you’re sure.
This all feels a touch unhealthy. I’d ask the family trying to pressure you into this why they are more concerned with not hurting your ex’s feelings than not hurting yours. And don’t let them try to tell you that that’s NOT what they’re actually doing, because it is.
Let it go and tell your family to let it go too. It’s a trigger; and, she might not have been malicious, but she could also have told you via an email rather than in-person. She had to know it would cause you to be uncomfortable.
NC seems the best solution for now and maybe forever, not a decision you need to make today. She should also honor that as well as your friends and family. Meantime, there are plenty of options for future relationships if you want children. They do not have to be biologically yours to be loved.
Sorry if I seem rude but I can’t stand someone that mistreats women.
Anyway, there are of course exceptions but, it is not a good idea to keep contact with exes. There is a reason we are not together.
Her being pregnant dashed all those fantasies. It brought a cold reality to you. She’s not coming back.
She thought you were still friends and wanted to break the news to you personally. I doubt you would have taken it well, or by your reaction, with any grace f
What happened to “for better or worse?” I’d never wanna speak to her again tbh…
Stay far far away from her and if your family thinks of her as family and that’s okay…fuck them.
Although she has a new partner she remains in contact with you?
Continue to block her, you both had enough time to talk about anything while being married. Now the marriage is over so is the talking.
Speak to your ex about what? Her having a baby with someone else? What do they want? You to act like an uncle? Your family is whacked. You need to go LC with them for your own mental health.
Wonder if she was going to try and convince you to raise the baby with her. It would be a tidy little end run around your boundaries regarding sperm donation.
Keep her blocked and tell anyone who tries to push it or tried inviting her to places you are they will also be cut out.
I don’t see the need to stay in contact with your ex.
Some people do it. Some people don’t.
You are not obligated to do so.
NTA.
Cynic in me would Bet you The baby daddy bailed and she was hoping you’d chip in.
NTAH