This pattern included small incidents like being forgotten when choosing treats or having his food order missed, escalating to more serious issues such as forgotten homework help, missed pickups, and even two forgotten birthdays. The situation reached a critical point when the original poster (OP) had a severe allergic reaction and was taken to the emergency room, where his parents took over seven hours to arrive after being notified by his friend’s father, causing the OP to seriously question if they would notice his absence.
Alright so I’m the middle kid of three. My older brother is 10 months older than me. My younger brother is 2 years younger. So we’re 17, 16 and 14. My older and younger brother HATE each other.
They’re always fighting and doing petty shit to each other. It drives our parents crazy and takes up a lot of attention. Or at least that’s the excuse my parents use. Even before it got really bad my parents always overlooked me more than my brothers.
I was an easier kid and everything but why does that mean it’s okay to ignore me?
When we were younger it was smaller stuff. Like mom or dad would forget to ask me to pick out my treat at the grocery store, something each of us did whenever we went grocery shopping with our parents, and we’d circle back around to let me pick something once everything was paid for because we were normally at the checkout before my parents could listen to me say I was forgotten or it took that long for them to realize on their own.
Or another example is sometimes my parents would go up to order our food and they’d forget my order and have to go back up and place it. Happened in Drive Thru’s too.
But then it was ignoring/forgetting to help me with homework when my brother’s needed help too or if they argued. Forgetting stuff they had promised me because their focus was on my brothers.
Forging stuff we needed to go out and buy stuff for school and that resulted in a few emails to my teachers to let them know I was going in without needed materials. It was also leaving me behind places because once my brothers started fighting more they’d race off and not check if I was there.
And it was forgetting two of my birthdays and remembering the next day and not even apologizing for it because I was so *understanding and mature* and they would celebrate like it was my actual birthday.
There were times in the last two years where they forgot they dropped me somewhere and never came to pick me up. If I was lucky my best friend was there and his parents would drop me off at home and sometimes they’d pick me up and feed me first because they’d be aware I was waiting a while to leave.
Other times I had to call five or six times before they’d answer.
In the past I have brought up these incidents to them and they always like we really don’t mean it and we’re just so overwhelmed with your brothers and we’ll do better. But it feels more and more like they don’t notice whether I’m around or not unless they get really tired of my brothers fighting and I end up hanging out with one of them which breaks the tension for a while.
Then the other week happened. I was at my best friends house and I had an allergic reaction to something I ate. His mom drove me to the emergency room and she was trying to call my parents.
Six hours. Six whole hours of calls and my parents weren’t at work. They were home. She tried on her phone and on mine. When her husband left work he went to my house and told my parents what was going on.
It was only then and like 6 hours and 20 or 30 minutes later that they left the house and they showed up at the hospital 7 hours after I went in.
I had to stay in overnight and I told my parents to go home because I was so mad and upset with them that they brought me no comfort. My best friends mom stayed with me which wasn’t really allowed but an exception was made because of how upset I was.
My parents picked me up at discharge time and they were being all caring and stuff but it bothered me.
Things were strained for about a week and they told me they really needed to apologize. I said yeah but it didn’t mean anything and the conversation went on from there. And I brought up how I was home late by 2.5 hours and they hadn’t noticed and it took my best friend’s dad literally going to the house to tell them.
Then my brothers were brought up and it was all just annoying. They swore that I was not the overlooked middle child and I asked them how long would it take them to notice if I died and would they even notice because it sure looked like they wouldn’t.
That really upset them and they asked why I’d say it and I told them I meant it. The conversation stopped then but a few days after my dad told me it felt like I went out of my way to hurt them and I’m usually more mature than that.
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s deep-seated feeling of parental neglect, which he feels has been consistently validated by repeated instances of being forgotten or overlooked, culminating in the alarming delay in response during his medical emergency. His explosive reaction, directly questioning whether his parents would notice his death, was a desperate attempt to make them acknowledge the severity of his perceived emotional abandonment.
The parents’ response frames the OP’s outburst as an unnecessary attempt to inflict pain, focusing on their own hurt rather than the underlying reasons for his distress. The core question remains whether the OP’s extreme statement was a justified, albeit harsh, expression of years of neglect, or an unfair attack against parents who claim they are simply overwhelmed.
Here’s how people reacted:
A piece of advice: Stop being “the easy kid.” Stop being “mature.” Be kind of a pain in the ass. I don’t mean act out or get in trouble, but you pull into the drive through, insist your order go in first. You’re shopping, grab what you want and put it in the cart.
If they’re supposed to pick you up at a given time, from when you get there spam texts every hour. “Remember I need to be picked up at \[X time\].” Then call them an hour before you need to be picked up too. In general constant texts, verbal reminders, calendar notes abut things that matter to you, and for in person, you speak up preemptively about what you want/need.
Your parents will likely get aggravated at you and say it’s not necessary and you’re being dramatic. You play that ER visit card like it’s a winning hand in poker. “Hey remember that time you didn’t know I was in the ER for 6 hours because you wouldn’t answer my calls? I’d rather not take chances.”
They’ve gotten used to putting you on the backburner. So you do what you have to get your needs met and you do not make it easy for them to ignore you. To be clear, them ignoring you is NOT your fault. You have done nothing wrong. That you need to use this advice at all is unfair. But your parents have shown they will do what’s easiest and most convenient for them. Therefore you need to make it difficult and inconvenient for them to ignore you.
However, if you want a cold hard dose of truth, parenting is hard. If there are two kids that “need” a lot of attention (because they’re being horrible), they’re going to get it, and the middle child is, stereotypically, often the overlooked one. Especially if they’re well-behaved. Parents aren’t perfect, parents have favourites (goes the other way too, children very clearly have preferred parents, particularly when young) and having evidence that you’re not the favourite isn’t fun. Parents can also be forgetful and burnt out, to the point of being neglectful (as seems to be the case with your description). But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and clearly they feel guilt so it’s obviously not deliberate. People are flawed, and you may have to accept that your parents are particularly so.
That obviously all sucks for you, and you can and should be annoyed about it. However, what you don’t want to happen is to let it become a huge chip on your shoulder that you carry for your life and into other relationships and situations. One day, you might be convinced that your manager is overlooking you at work over other colleagues, or friends in your social circle like you the least etc, not because that is true but because you’ve internalised the feeling of being overlooked.
why oh why always has the victim, the ignored, the mistreated, the lied to, the got stolen… one to be more mature one, why so often the younger generation one?
You did not went out of your way to hurt them, you only made clear how you feel, and rightly so, because… seriously? I’d not be astonished if they do miss that. Or something else
Do you have any other relatives? If yes, get their contact details, save those at e.g. your friends’ places, just in case. Maybe tell someone you trust out of said relatives? Not for immediate help, more like a potential back-up for the future?
When ready, also when of the legal age of that, get your own bank account at a bank not related to your family, try to get money as presents, get as much savings as possible,…
I feel there might be a chance for nothing left for you for e.g. education, medical things, starting adulthood costs.
If you feel like they start to turn into trying to twist all into somehow you being the cause or… get information what is needed in your country to make you and your future safe (e.g. youth center, school counselor,… => where get legal or ‘adulting’ advice, see e.g. insurance, loans, education, credit freeze,…)
“They swore I was not the overlooked middle child”. It’s one thing saying it and another thing proving it, and all they’ve proven thus far is that that statement’s false. OP wasn’t going out of their way to hurt their parents, they just didn’t like being called out for consistently forgetting OP exists.
If the friend’s dad didn’t go to OP’s house I genuinely wonder how long it would’ve been before they noticed OP wasn’t there, my money would’ve been on days. I imagine if OP decides to go NC, which I honestly wouldn’t blame them, the parents will be confused why, will try to downplay their neglect, and will shift the blame on either OP or their siblings somehow taking up 120% of their attention.
I didn’t birth any of these fuckers. Your parents suck and needed to hear it. Keep on them. Because if you would’ve died, they would’ve been investigated immediately. Honestly, they should be aware a medical worker may have already done a mandatory report for neglect that warrants a home study. There’s no excuse for 6 hours of nonresponsiveness when you are at home and the active parent. Absolutely none.
Op you deserve better. But I’m grateful you’re so mature. You shouldn’t have to be but it’ll fare you well.
It has been made abundantly clear to me that I don’t matter to my family. I’m just expected to smile and say it’s okay, but I could have died and you’d have never known until someone pointed out that you’d missed my funeral. And if that hurts your feelings, I’d like you to try empathy on for a change and imagine how that must make me feel.”
But do this only if you still want a relationship with them in the future which you are entitled not to have given how they are currently treating you. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this.
More parents need to realize ‘mature for your age’ is usually a trauma response one develops after years of neglect and trauma.
It sound like when you are 18, you can move out and they wont notice .
I have friend who did that, moved out went to uni ( back then you could go to uni at 18 in my country) and they didnt notice for 1½ months. Reason they notice was gran talking about him and how proud she was that he went to Uni and how nice apartment he had.
Then the parents tried to paw of his older brother to his apartment, but that was no go since it was student only.
>my dad told me it felt like I went out of my way to hurt them and I’m usually more mature than that.
your dad has a lot of fucking nerve to still be pulling this shit. you were literally in the god damn hospital for six fucking hours before they noticed and its not like they noticed on their own. I garrentee you could move out and not contact them for a month and they wouldn’t notice. i’m sorry your parents suck. they clearly are failures as parents, and that’s not on you. its on them NTA
Your parents suck and a terrible listeners. You’re telling them what you need and they continue to ignore you as a person. Don’t waste further time trying to get them to change.
Over the remaining time till adulthood focus on preparing yourself to move on and build your own life.
Word of advice though, don’t list your parents as emergency contacts. 🤪
Your family needs therapy if there is any hope of repairing this relationship.
I will agree with one statement that your parents made: you are more mature but that includes being more mature than them.
The hard truth is, that they most likely wont change. And please dont spend your life chasing something from them, that you probably will never get.
For your own sake, you gotta make peace with that so you can move on. Even if it will mean grieving the “loss” of your parents.
“Sometimes the truth hurts dad. Like sitting in a hospital bed at 16, thinking you might die and your parents didn’t even care enough to notice you never came home. Knowing your last breath may be with your best friend’s mom because once again your parents ghosted you. If you don’t like the truth don’t complain to me. Do something to change it. otherwise this is no different than any other time you promised things would change.”
“Oh no, our child. You’re having an argument with us for once, how could you?? It’s your fault as you proved to be much more mature than this since you were forced to by our neglect!”
I’m sorry OP. At least you’re more than prepared to take care of yourself if you choose to move out of their house as soon as you can. They are really neglecting you
Look up the term, DARVO.
You didn’t say anything to hurt your parents. You were expressing *your* hurt. Because they have hurt you with their neglect. And constantly saying that it’s because you’re more mature is a cop out. You’ve had to be more mature than your brothers because your parents have neglected you.
NTA
Your parents should be embarrassed about the shameful way they’ve treated you. I hope your friends mom gives them the judgiest looks.
UpdateMe
Updateme
Nta
NTA your parents suck