In the midst of sleepless nights and relentless demands, the sister’s spirit is stretched thin, caring for a toddler and carrying a new life while facing a partner who shirks his share of the burden. The young newcomer, caught between stepping in and stepping back, witnesses the raw cracks beneath the surface of what should be a safe haven.
I, m17, moved in with your sister after my parents kicked me out for coming out (another story). They said I’ll be here temporarily till I get back to “normal” which I don’t think I will, lol.
But uh…anyways, so I moved in with my sister and her husband about a month ago. FYI she does everything around the house (I started helping here and there) as well as looking after a 2 year old niece and now she’s 6 months pregnant.
BIL does nothing because he’s the breadwinner as he claims but imo he’s taken it a bit too far. e.g he’d tell her to start his laundry once he takes off his clothes, put dinner on the table once he’s home, get the shower ready and so on.
They fight a lot cause my sister is exhausted and burnt out, I usually put my headphones on and mind my own business but 2 nights ago there was a lot of commotion once I got home so I went to see what the issue was.
I found the BIL was complaining about dinner and my sister was too exhausted to get up. I mean the dinner was already cooked but he wanted her to put it for him on the table. I told my sister I’d do it, but instead of using their kitchen utensils, I used my niece’s toy utensils like toy cup, toy plate, toy fork and knife and a tiny napkin.
I put the food on the toy plate and the drink in the toy cup while BIL was in the shower. He then came into the kitchen and sat down and stared at the plate for few seconds. He then looked at me and asked what the hell this was, and whether I was joking.
I told him if he wanted to act like a helpless child, then he might as well get treated like one. He began yelling and my sister came inside. He then threw the napkin and stormed off upon saying that I’d disrespected him and that he’ll let my parents know about what I did.
My sister saw what I’d done and started laughing. I went inside my room but the argument didn’t stop, now he’s expecting an apology from me for meddling in his marriage and pulling this crappy stunt on him.
I could be TA for this but I was just so mad for my sister and also sick and tired of being sick and tired of the nightly fighting over dinner.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) acted out of strong frustration and protective feelings for their exhausted sister, leading to a confrontational act against the brother-in-law (BIL). This action, while satisfying an immediate desire to confront perceived unfairness, escalated the existing marital tension and introduced a new conflict directly involving the OP.
Was the OP justified in using a symbolic, albeit disrespectful, gesture to highlight the BIL’s perceived entitlement and the sister’s burnout, or did this intervention cross a necessary boundary by interfering directly in a marital dispute? Should the OP apologize for the stunt, or should the focus remain on resolving the imbalance in household labor?
Here’s how people reacted:
You weren’t meddling in a marriage. You were meddling and trying to get the master to treat his slave better. Who starts someone else’s shower for them?
I don’t know what country you’re in, but if in the US maybe the husband actually believes the myth that back before middle class women started working out of the home a lot, that the women were the men’s servants. I’m sure there were a few asshole husbands around who thought that, but it wasn’t like that. It was a partnership and each spouse had their job.
My parents were born in the 20s. My Mom was a SAHM the whole time. My Dad would NEVER have treated my Mom like that. He would make dinner on Sundays to give her a break (well, I say “dinner” looselys as it was usually grilled cheese, pancakes, or frozen pizza, but we loved it). My Mom always dusted and vacuumed on Saturdays and about one every month or so my Dad would tell her to go do her crossword and he did the cleaning. He also fixed every single goddam thing in the house and did all of the yard work except my Mom planted a little flower garden. He drove us around.
This husband makes me really angry. And I’m really scared that young people these days actually look back and think that traditionally women were servants. (Actually traditionally humans lived in egalitarian societies. Looking back to the last century in “Western” countries, we’re just looking at a tiny snapshot in time in just a few regions of the world.)
In my home, we’re a couple of DINKs (double income, no kids). I’m older and the primary breadwinner, but my position is more mentally challenging than physically, so I do quite a bit for my better half; I do all the shopping, manage the finances, cook (including serving on the finest paper plates around), clean, and etc. I do these things simply out of the love and respect in my heart. That is our decision, and if anyone else reacted like you did to one of us, especially as a *guest* in our home, you would be kickin’ rocks mighty quick
It sounds like you’re surrounded by a really bad situation, but antagonizing an abusive individual is going to affect your sister more than it affects you. He will take it out on her. She is the one who is struggling. You are a guest in their home. If she needs help, you help her. Ignore him at best. You don’t have to be a peacekeeper, but don’t do the opposite.
I get that you were trying to stick up for your sister, who deserves that.
Please accept my softest ESH. You might have actually made them fight more. Abusive people like your BIL often take these things out on people like your sister.
funny? absolutely
deserved? yup
are you the A H ? no. NTA
putting yourself in a volatile situation here? yes.
What happens if BIL kicks you out? Where will you go? This man seems angry. I wouldn’t poke the bear.
Edit: put esh