Amid the tangled emotions, the ex’s attempt to engineer a bond between the girls feels less about connection and more about control. The mother’s unwavering “no” is a powerful stand for her daughter’s feelings, highlighting the raw pain and resilience that come from guarding a child’s heart after a family’s fracture.
I (32f) have an 11 year old daughter with my ex. We divorced two years ago because he cheated. He is now with the other woman and is married to her. She has a daughter who will be 11 soon.
Ex’s MIL is sick and his wife has been going to stay some weekends to take care of her. Ex works weekends (nights, usually) and he asked me if I would take his stepdaughter those weekends his wife is gone.
He framed it as being more time for the girls to bond. I said no. He called it unfair because I gave it no consideration. I told him I didn’t need to consider it and that my answer was no.
He said our daughter might say she wants it if I ask her and that they would throw me some cash for it. Eventually, after I came down hard on my no, he said the reason he wants me to do it is our daughter has chosen not to have a close relationship with his stepdaughter and he thinks my interacting with her and welcoming her into my home would cultivate our daughters willingness.
I asked him was she mean or rude to the girl, he said no reluctantly and I told him that was all I was willing to interfere in and I am not responsible for cultivating our daughters relationship with his stepdaughter.
I told him the discussion was over. He and his wife are pissed about my refusal and say I would be helping them out while they’re in need.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) established a firm boundary against assuming responsibility for her ex-husband’s stepdaughter during his wife’s absence. The central conflict stems from the ex-husband’s expectation that the OP should actively participate in managing his blended family obligations, which conflicts directly with the OP’s established position that she is not responsible for cultivating her daughter’s relationship with the stepdaughter.
Was the OP justified in refusing to take on occasional childcare duties for her ex-husband’s stepdaughter when the request was framed as a means to improve her own daughter’s social dynamics, or should she have considered helping the family during a time of need?
Here’s how people reacted:
the entire sub was on OPs side, citing “bonding with his blood” and you know what, I think that is fair.
OP here has absolutely no obligation to care for anyone else other than her daughter – and the inconsiderate argument? Honestly I’d say it was fucking inconsiderate to cheat on someone and then be upset OP doesn’t freely offer up to babysit the kid of the woman who fucked her ex – it’s not the kids fault, how shitty this went down, but you know what? Life is shitty sometimes, even when it is nobodys fault.
And OP shouldn’t be ousted as TA just because she doesn’t support ‘bonding time’ between step siblings on the certain weekends.
NTA – if OPs ex didn’t marry and then divorce OP, he could have met the woman he cheated with and STILL had to employ a babysitter because he wouldn’t have OP to blame for being an unsupportive motherfigure to their daughter.
OPs ex is a shitty person AND too cheap to pay for labour
Edit: this situation pisses me more off and I had to come back. The next time your ex or his new wife complains, maybe tell them “should have cheated with a guy who has babysitter money”
She should be taking her child to her mothers with her. Most grandmothers love to see their grandchildren, when they are down it cheers them up.
Why would your child want to be friends or get along with the child, whose mother broke up her family.
You can easily see that they thought long and hard, about what to say to you. Trying to appeal to the mother in you. If they have your child every second weekend, their request would mean that both of the girls would have to spend every weekend together.
This is the worst bit of entitlement I have seen yet on this thread. Most likely they want some weekends to them selves. Tell me who minded her child when she was having an affair with your ex-husband. Probably her mum and now she is not available. Edit; After I posted this, I reread it and started laughing my guts out, when it dawned on me this was something my ex would do.
Edit to add: *many* things fall under the “valid reason” category, not just the step sister being a dick like I suggested in one reply. So y’all need to chill out with your “mAyBe ThEy JuSt DoNt HaVe AnYtHiNg In CoMmOn or they’re just ReSeNtFuL oF tHe SiTuAtIoN” because both of those, as well as the possibility the step sister maybe isn’t the nicest, ALL fall under the “valid reason” category.
Think about it this way if your mom needed you on the weekends would that make you forfeit your daughter to your ex? Nope, you’d take her with you.
They are make believing a problem to make things easier on your exes new wife. It’s really weird that they are trying to make this your problem. Also, it’s pretty rich that he said all that crap about you helping the girls bond when the reality is babysitting.
We can divorce and breakup with partners, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take the feelings of children that might get hurt by the emotional shrapnel into consideration.
Also please look into why your daughter doesnt want a relationship. I mean after 2 years theres got to be a reason. Dont wanna list all possibilities but maybe shes getting bullied or has some resentment towards her dad or something? No need to get her to be nice but at least get to know why.
NTA
He might be right, but that’s still about a million miles from being a problem you need to solve.
You’re not responsible for his other kids, step- or otherwise. His childcare issues aren’t your issues, except where they relate to YOUR child. NTA.
I would be so ashamed I would never even have the nerve to ask you. NTA
>He said our daughter might say she wants it if I ask her
>he said the reason he wants me to do it is our daughter has chosen not to have a close relationship with his stepdaughter
Well, if that isn’t a contradiction…
Your cheating ex is pressuring you to babysit homewrecker’s kid?
NTA. You know that, just be strong about it.