Tonight, the pain of losing her hair to chemo was eclipsed only by the cruelty of his selfishness—a cruel ultimatum that shattered what little hope she had left for support. In the midst of her darkest hour, she confronts not just a disease, but the heartbreaking loneliness of a love that seems to have forgotten her pain.
I (47F) have been diagnosed with Stage 2a breast cancer. I got my diagnosis in September. Since then I have been at every appointment by myself. My husband has not been at one appointment with me, despite me attending every appointment he has ever had over our 31 years together.
Tonight we got into an argument because I am not feeling sexual due to what I am going through.
The argument tonight centered on him stating he wants to be taken care of. Today was a bad day mentally because I had to shave my head as the chemo caused my hair to fall out. Seeing myself bald deeply hurt me.
Since this started, my husband seems to care more about his own sexual needs over my mental, emotional, and physical health.
What made me snap tonight was him telling me that if I don’t take care of him tonight, he won’t go to any of my appointments from here on out. I saw red because he hasn’t attended any already, and the fact that he would threaten me during this time feels sick and selfish.
I told him I don’t need him at any of my appointments and that I can do this alone.
Of course, he called his mom and told her what I said. She called me and told me I was wrong because he is stressing about my cancer too. The only reason I feel I might be wrong is because my MIL called me, as I have a wonderful, respected relationship with her.
Was I wrong? I know he did not tell her everything.
Conclusion
The original poster is facing the intense emotional and physical challenges of a Stage 2a breast cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy, compounded by feeling completely unsupported by her husband, who prioritizes his sexual needs. The central conflict is the husband’s ultimatum—demanding physical intimacy in exchange for future support—which directly clashes with the wife’s current inability to cope with intimacy due to her trauma and physical changes.
Considering the husband’s alleged threat to withhold support unless his sexual needs are met, was the wife justified in telling him she no longer needed his presence at future medical appointments, or did involving the mother-in-law escalate the situation beyond repair?
Here’s how people reacted:
Yes, reddit loves to jump on the “Leave them” bandwagon fast af. While many times, there are probably a lot more steps that should be taken before it gets to that, sometimes it’s necessary. You have to do what’s best for you. Being with someone who is showing you zero support isn’t that. I hope you have a therapist to help you with what you’re going through with your health. If not, please get one. Talk to them about how your husband is making you feel. Talk to them about these instances. If you feel like you have the energy and care to put into your relationship, see if you can have a session or two with both of you there. If it feels like it will be helpful and productive, try couples counseling.
I know I just said consider a divorce lawyer, and it may be something you do need to think about. I will say this, too, though. I was diagnosed at the age of 7 with a progressive and terminal disease. I did good on medications, and it didn’t really progress while I was a kid/teenager because of the medical care I got + the support from my family. Despite having to grow up faster than I should of, despite understanding my own mortality at such a young age, despite thinking I wouldn’t fall into the same trap as the majority of teens, I still ended up with an “I’m invincible” mentality. I went uneducated and untreated for a little over a decade. In 2019, everything went to shit. I got to the er quite literally less than 24 hours before I would have ended up in the morgue. Up until this point, my relationship with my husband was rock solid. I never once thought he wouldn’t be there for me.
He disappeared. He changed. He just turned into someone I didn’t recognize. I was so hurt, mad, upset, and idk what else. I felt abandoned and confused. My over a decade relationship went from absolute rock solid to toxic beyond belief. Toxic doesn’t even begin to cover what we did to each other, put each other through, and did to ourselves. We are just starting to heal and do better. It wasn’t until one day when we were at each other’s throats fighting, and he blurted out how scared he was when shit went down. He didn’t know how to handle it because he didn’t have the emotional or mental bandwidth to do so. Normally, he would turn to and lean on me to help him through it. He didn’t, though, because he felt too scared to do so. I needed to focus on me, my recovery, and the life changes it brought on. He knows and has admitted many times that he made the wrong choices and took the wrong actions. He had the very human reaction of realizing how badly he messed up and instead of owning up to it, dug in, and ran away harder. It’s not easy seeing someone you love so deeply in a situation you can’t do even the smallest thing about. It’s not easy not to be able to protect that person from the thing that is trying so hard to destroy them. It doesn’t make the actions, words, or lack thereof excusable, but it gives a reason for things.
He may very well just not know how to handle what’s going on. He has chosen the wrong path dealing with it, and instead, if owning up to it, he just digs himself a deeper hole. If you think it’s worth the energy and effort, have a deep and honest conversation with him. Start it off by agreeing on ground rules so that both of you can stay calm, be heard, and hear the other. Limiting things to discussing one issue at a time, mandatory breaks when emotions start to rise, even as far as a “talking stick,” and an amount of time each can speak may help. Whatever works for the two of you. Then talk. Tell him how your diagnosis and treatment are affecting you. Tell him how his lack of support is hurting you. Tell him how apparent selfishness makes you feel like he couldn’t care less. Tell him not to be afraid to lean on you, that the two of you can lean on each other and face this together. Ask him what went through his head when you got diagnosed. Ask him how your treatments have impacted him. Ask him how he deals on the daily. Ask him how he’s doing. And make sure you listen as much as you want him to listen to you.
If he refuses to do any of this, that gives you the answer you need even if it’s not the one you want to hear. It lets you know what you need to do for your own well-being. It’s ok to put yourself first, especially in this situation. It’s on to tell him while you are there for him, and want to help him through this because you know it’s not easy on him either. You’re the one going through it. You’re the one dealing with treatments, medications, Dr visits, and the side effects from everything. You’re the one whose body is turning against her, and that does give you the right tonbe is a little selfish and tells him he needs to work through his fear and discomfort and be there for you. At the very least, he needs to tell you if he’s not capable of doing that and he’s not capable of doing what he needs to do (such as therapy and a support group for caretakers) in order to be what you need.
You got this. You are a warrior, and you can do all of this. Fight to come out of this on the other side stronger than you went in. One step at a time, one day at a time. Allow yourself to be selfish if you need it. Allow yourself to hurt and be scared and sad. But know you can do it.
The mantra my friend had when dealing with the thyroid cancer that almost killed him was simple. Fuck cancer. He said it daily. “It’s the dragon, and I’m the knight, and i not going down without a fight. I am dedicated to slaying the beast, and I will do so.” He told himself this every morning when he woke up, everytime he had go for treatment, everytime he looked in the mirror and felt the multitude of emotions he felt, every night before he went to sleep. Slay your dragon, and don’t let anyone stand in your way, no matter who they are.
As a therapist, I don’t know where to start, but as a woman who has worked decades in hospital-land here I go;
1) The first problem here is that your husband is not demonstrating healthy, appropriate boundaries in your 31 year partnership by triangulating any issue with his mommy.
2) I am taking a leap of faith here, but I do not think the aforementioned is the first time this has occurred.
3) Did you not get the memo that you have no right to be sick? Ponder this thought.
4) Are your feelings up for debate? No. and in case you were wondering, I’m here to tell you that they are 💯 valid.
5) Your husband has needs, but guess what? That doesn’t mean he is ENTITLED to have them met at your expense.
6) I am also guessing this is not the first time that you’re doubting yourself which speaks to self-esteem and the relationship that you have with yourself AND the ability to set your own HEALTHY boundaries.
7) Look at this as an opportunity because that’s exactly what it is. And why? because you’re feelings are not up for debate and You are going to prioritize your mental health, even if your husband will not.
8) Consider this the beginning of you learning how to set healthy boundaries with your husband, not be manipulated or gaslighted by your mother-in-law and whomever else in your life will be irked, accuse you of being selfish and annoyed at you beginning to prioritize yourself for a change.
I suggest very strongly that this is an opportunity for you to access a breast cancer support group/therapy and why? This exact issue is a very common situation I have encountered professionally and personally with many women friends.
In my experience many men have become downright angry, belligerent, disrespectful and resentful because the wife is supposed to be an available caretaker for HIM. He experiences the wife’s illness as abandonment from her wifely obligations to him.
9) Husband: “Who gave you the right to desert me and get sick! The least you can do is give me a blowjob.”
Consider his attitude a wake up call.
10) The ONLY PEOPLE THAT BECOME UPSET WHEN YOU SET A BOUNDARY ARE THOSE THAT WOULD BENEFIT FROM YOU HAVING NONE.
YW
Unfortunately is is very common for a man to not be supportive when his partner is going through a major health issue. Too often men enter marriage expecting their wives to be their moms taking care of them but that they can sleep with.
Ignore his mommy. Of course she is going to side with her little baby based on just what he told her. He’s going to present himself in the best possible light. You could try talking to her from your side, but why. She may not listen because she doesn’t want to hear that her angel is a selfish, shallow prick.
Let him know that you are more than willing for him to go and stay with his mom so she can wash his clothes and wipe his bottom if he feels he needs it. If he needs sex that badly there are videos and kleenex for that.
Severe health issues often make or break a relationship. In your case, I think it’s heading for break. My FIL was an unsupportive AH every time my MIL had a serious health issue. She still resents him nearly 10 years after he passed away.
Do you have any close friends or other family that can help you through your treatments? Having their support would really help. Again, I’m sorry your husband is suck a AH.
You’re fighting a battle that takes incredible stamina. Some days you may feel like you’re hanging on by your fingernails. The very last thing you need is someone putting selfish demands on you. You have enough energy to take care of you, to nurture yourself physically and emotionally, and not much else, so do whatever you need to do to make it possible for you to heal and regain your equilibrium.
Tell your husband to leave. If he wants to be swaddled, let him go back to his mommy. You have something more important to focus on: you.
Your husband is showing several concerning behaviors:
Not attending any medical appointments despite your history of supporting him12
Prioritizing sexual needs over your emotional wellbeing during cancer treatment3
Using medical appointment attendance as manipulation for sex while you’re dealing with chemo side effects4
Involving his mother in your private marital issues6
Your reaction is totally valid. Going through cancer treatment is incredibly challenging, and losing your hair can be especially traumatic3. You need emotional support and understanding, not sexual pressure or threats.
Consider couples counseling or speaking with a cancer support counselor to help navigate this difficult time6. Your mental and physical health should be the priority right now.
You’re absolutely NTA for standing up for yourself while dealing with breast cancer treatment.
And that’s aside from his belief that his mommy can make you do what he wants.
Any person who treats a *cancer patient* like that deserves a kick and a year in therapy.
My gods, the *nerve*. And you are *married to him*?
I’d strongly suggest you sit down with a therapist to work through why you remain in this marriage or if it’s worth salvaging.
Any spouse who would leave their partner to go to cancer treatments alone, not comfort them after they lost their hair, and *demand sex* after such a traumatic experience, is not a spouse worth having.
As for the MIL, if you’ve got an excellent relationship, why isn’t SHE comforting you after the loss of your hair, instead of telling you to suck it up and put out for her darling dearest.
That’s some next level messed up. I’d never touch that guy in bed again, were it me.
We would be DONE.
Not only is it egregiously insensitive for him to reduce your relationship to sexual transactions, but involving his mother is embarrassingly juvenile and only adds to your stress. Stand your ground, your health and wellbeing come first. If he can’t comprehend the basics of empathy and support, it’s time for a serious reevaluation of his role in your support system. Stay strong; you’ve got more important battles to win.
It’s ok to need support and space. U’re not obligated to cater to his needs, especially when he’s not reciprocating ur emotional support.
Damn. What a *jerk*.
Men are not entitled to sex. No one is entitled to sex. His expecting you to “put out” while you’re on chemo and throwing a child level temper tantrum about it so ridiculously entitled.
Men leave when they have cancer at exponentially higher rates than women leave men who have cancer.
He showed you who he is. Believe him.
He hasn’t shown up to any appointments but wants sex while you’re dealing with chemo? That’s messed up.
Your MIL only knows his side of the story. She doesn’t know he’s trying to force you into sex by using doctor visits as a threat.
Take care of yourself first. You got this.
Either way your husbands a word I reserve for special cases but can’t say on here. NTA
I am sorry you have to go through this, and wish you all the best!
Wishing you all the best.
Your husband is a jackass. I hope you have other family.nearby who can support you.
Get better, then get divorced.
Don’t do one more single thing for him, he can ask his mother.