What should have been a moment of unity and celebration around the campfire instead ignites a deep wound, as harsh words from a loved one cast doubt on their worthiness as parents. In this fragile time, they face not just the challenge of becoming new parents, but the pain of feeling misunderstood and unfairly criticized.
I 20 M and my wife 25 F are preparing to have a baby. At my previous house I had a roommate who was a horder and the house was constantly trashed because of her habits however I have since moved with my wife to our own place this is important to the story.
A few weeks ago my wife and I were at a a camping trip with my mom, grandma, grandpa, step dad, step sisters and my brother. During our camping trip we were gathered around the fire and my mom said to me and my wife she would call CPS on us if our house was a mess like at our old house with my roomate, I found this odd because I feel I am no more messy than your avrage person.
I clean my plates after I eat and I pick things up after I am done useing them so that my room/ house doesn’t get messy and I mop sweep and vacuum once a week on either Sunday or Saturday.
Me and my wife left the trip mad because my mom said she would call CPS on us when we haven’t even had a chance to see or hold our baby yet. She implied I don’t have a clean house, in addition to that my wife has first hand experience with CPS as she grew up in and out of foster care.
Me and my wife decided to give her the silent treatment and cut contact with her as this is not the first time she pulled something like this. The last thing we said to her is we don’t want to speak with her until she apologizes to me and my wife for her remarks, and she refuses to apologize to us.
Earlier today she reached out to my wife and texted her that she wants to apologize at a bon fire at her house. I’m skeptical but I don’t know how to precede.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) and his wife feel deeply hurt and betrayed by the mother’s threat to call Child Protective Services (CPS) over perceived messiness, especially given the wife’s difficult past with the system. Their response has been to enforce a boundary through silence until an apology is received, but the mother’s conditional offer to apologize now creates significant doubt and emotional tension.
Is it appropriate for the OP and his wife to accept the mother’s proposed apology under the condition of meeting at her house by a bonfire, or should they stand firm on their demand for a sincere, unconditional apology delivered in a neutral setting, given the severity of the initial threat?
Here’s how people reacted:
If your mom has not seen a clean home, she absolutely should threaten to call CPS IF your house becomes a disgusting health hazard like your last home. Every single hoarder house should have CPS called on them!
Personally I would have gone the route of PROVING that my home is perfectly clean versus getting offended. So… maybe your home is not that clean.
I repeat NO
This is a downright nasty THREAT and you need to cut ties for a long, long time immediately.
Allowing your mom contact with your baby will give her the opportunity to establish a relationship meaning she could claim for grandparents rights at the least. If she hasn’t met your baby she can not make false claims. Don’t tell her anything, not about the baby being born, not when you’re home absolutely NOTHING. Your mom has gone to the most absolutely outrageous and nuclear option she could possibly do and your sweet baby isn’t even here yet. Please, please don’t give this nasty woman any more ammunition and get a paper trail of her behaviour. Tell the hospital under no circumstances is your mother allowed to visit or be told any information. If she attempts to contact you ignore her and report immediately. She is now a danger to you and your family.
She didn’t say you were messy. She stated that your prior home was not a safe environment for an infant and that if you were to bring your infant into an unsafe environment, she would go to extremes to protect that baby, even if that meant getting the authorities involved. My response would be “yeah, that was a bad situation. It’s why we moved out. I hope you know that we would never endanger our child and if we did, I’d expect you to do all you could to protect our baby, just as we will”.
I’m sorry that her words triggered your wife. Her parents couldn’t safely raise her but Foster Care is sometimes even worse. I’d let your mom know that this is why her remarks hurt you both so badly and that you’re really disappointed that she would think that you would not do everything in your power to give your child the best life you both can provide.
You’re NTA but frankly I don’t necessarily think your mom is either. I was raised in a home with a hoarder and I can’t even get into the mental damage it does to a kid to be in that kind of living situation. It’s genuinely traumatic. It fucks you up into adulthood. Your mom is looking at this from the child’s perspective. She was harsh and this should have been a conversation rather than a threat, but your child’s well being was her priority. If she doesn’t know all the details of your previous living situation then she had a realistic concern.
Go to her house and actually talk to her about this.
I would not be inviting her to your home for anything after what she said. In fact, I wouldn’t even announce the birth until after your wife and baby are home from the hospital with a strict we are not accepting visitors at this time. You don’t want the baby exposed to germs and stuff that people carry. She can’t say a thing against that.
And then when you and your wife are ready, take the baby to your another family member’s home and introduce the baby there with witnesses for your mothers behavior and limit
the amount of time spent there.
The moment someone threatens CPS, the relationship is over. Your mother knew the hoarding wasn’t down to you, but she has threatened to try to get your child legally kidnapped if you don’t keep your home at a standard that she deems acceptable. Whatever apology she may offer now is only so she can keep access open to her grandchild because you’re complaining. She doesn’t mean it, she’s just pacifying you. Someone doesn’t say they’ll go to a nuclear option unless they mean it. Protect your wife and child from your mother. At the very least, she shouldn’t be around them at all for at least a year while she proves she is worthy of your trust.
And her comments were unfair in defence of your mom;
Your mom’s comments were most likely made out of fierce protection for your baby. Something I am sure you can relate to.
She might not have fully understood how hard it is to live with a hoarder.
Be mad. Take some time. But if there isn’t a history of toxic behaviour from your mom I would say it is worth eventually having a conversation about it.
I would hold a firm boundary with your parents that if they ever threaten CPS on you for unfounded reasons again, that they will lose access to any children you ever have.
The silent treatment is not acceptable behaviour for anyone over the age of eight, the conditional statement “if” means she’s not accusing you of anything but if you had a child in a hoarder house she would be right to call CPS.
Grow up.
She’s probably one of those people who will try to justify why she said what she said rather than accept any responsibility for it.
Keep LC with her.
And you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
In any case, NTA.
you may Call CPS about your situation with your mom, so they now have a file about fake calls from her.
The bonfire sounds like a set up.
Something seems off.
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