Reunited but forever changed, the family’s four-month search for their lost children was a haunting journey through grief and despair. Ultimately forced to face the unbearable, they returned home carrying a silence heavier than words—an unspoken sorrow that would forever mark the hardest chapter of their lives.
In 2004, my family and I decided that over the Christmas period we’d go on vacation to Thailand. My husband had spent some time there as a child and really wanted to go back. I had two small children, a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy.
We arrived on the 23rd of December and were due to go back on the 2nd of January. On the 26th, Boxing Day, a tsunami hit the resort we were staying in. I was upstairs in our hotel room when it hit, whilst my husband was with our children in the dining area.
I prayed that my husband had our children whilst I fought for myself.
My husband and I were reunited three days later, and he told me that the tsunami hit before he managed to grab our children. We stayed in Thailand for 4 months hoping our children were being kept somewhere with us presumed dead, but after searching pretty much everywhere, we presumed the worst and returned home which was the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
I didn’t deal with the loss well, nor did my husband, and we ended up divorcing three years later. We couldn’t even look at pictures of the kids, and broke down just looking at each other.
My family have always been as respectful as they can, apart from my mother.
My mother and I have never had a good relationship. She was heavily addicted to drugs when I was born, and was in and out of my life until I was 15 when she sobered up. I was full of resentment and left the family home at 16 and we went about ten years without talking.
Over the quarantine period, I have been staying with my sister and her family, and they also let my mom live with them. My mom will make dinners extremely uncomfortable for me by telling my nieces about the cousins they never got to meet, and how she felt when she found out, even though we weren’t talking at the time.
Last night I finally snapped. We were sitting having dinner when my mom asked how my now ex husband is. I told her I don’t know, as I don’t, we haven’t spoken that often since we divorced.
She asked if we’d still be together if the kids were alive, I asked how the fuck I was meant to know. She told me to stop being a bitch and I told her to stop bringing up my dead children.
My nieces started getting upset because we were shouting, my sister told me to calm down as they’re all allowed to grieve too, which I completely disagree with.
I left my sisters house and to a hotel not too far away because I seriously can’t take it anymore, but my sister has called multiple times telling me I’ve become a serious asshole since losing my children.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is dealing with profound, unresolved grief stemming from the loss of both their children in the 2004 tsunami, a trauma that also destroyed their marriage. The central conflict arises when the OP’s mother repeatedly weaponizes this shared, tragic loss in casual family settings, forcing the OP to confront painful memories and leading to an inevitable confrontation and subsequent departure from the sister’s home.
Does the OP have the right to demand absolute silence regarding their deceased children in interactions with their mother, or does the sister’s assertion that others, including the mother, also have a right to express their grief, even if inappropriately timed, hold validity? Where should the line be drawn between respecting profound trauma and acknowledging communal loss?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your mother crossed a line by bringing up your children despite knowing your feelings, then again by asking if you and your husband would still be together if they were alive (a question that only serves to be extremely nosey, cold hearted, and condescending). Your sister also crossed a line by calling you an asshole since losing your children. It sounds like they simply cannot understand your feelings and think that you should be processing your grief more like they are and are frustrated that you aren’t.
I think getting space away from them and going to the hotel was a great idea, but it might be time to think about next steps. Living with your sister and mother might not be good for your mental health, and it maybe it’s time to start thinking about a different place to wait out the rest of the quarantine where you won’t be bombarded with shit like this and your feelings will be respected.
You are not the asshole in any way, shape or form. Your mum on the other hand is, and your sister is just as bad for taking her side. Yes they are allowed to grieve as well, but they are you kids, your flesh and blood. I’ve never lost a child so I can only imagine the absolute sorrow and heartbreak you’ve experienced. So while they can grieve, they can’t possibly feel that they have a right to disregard your feelings and talk about your kids right in front of you. If it is painful for you to talk about your children, that’s your choice and they should respect that.
I’m so sorry about your children, and I hope that they and you find peace.
Obviously losing your children is the most painful event that ever happened to you. Decent people don’t sit down with someone night after night and force them to relive their greatest pain, and that’s exactly what your mother is doing.
You are the children’s *mother*, and anyone with an ounce of empathy would realize that they need to respect your grief process. That includes letting you set the terms on how and when the topic of their loss is raised.
It sounds like your mother is looking for new ways to twist the knife on the daily, and enlisting your sister’s family as accomplices. Your sister should have shut her down on first mention, or at the least when it became obvious that the constant reference to your children is causing you pain. I can’t even imagine what her kids are thinking when grandma brings up “the cousins they’ll never meet.”
I hope you have somewhere else to go. That environment is just beyond toxic.
I knew a woman who lost both her young children in a fire. She also divorced. I would NEVER bring her children up to her, let alone act the way your family did. Your mother did this intentionally, imo. If she had really known your children and was trying to sweetly teach their cousins about them while you were not there, I could see that. She did the exact opposite. What you went through, my heart weeps for you. I’m terrified every day something might happen to my only child. I don’t care how old you are, you will never get over the loss of a child. You just learn to deal with the pain. You grow up knowing some day you will lose your parents, but you never expect to lose a child. My grandparents never got over losing my mother. I watched them both grieve. I am so very, very sorry for the loss of both your children *and* the loss of your marriage.
I do not blame you at all. NTA
>my sister has called multiple times telling me I’ve become a serious asshole since losing my children
Like she’d react so much better if all her kids were suddenly killed.
I am so sorry for you. I don’t know how you move through the rest of your life carrying this but I hope you find a way.
This
>She asked if we’d still be together if the kids were alive,
>my sister has called multiple times telling me I’ve become a serious asshole since losing my children
WTF? When your sister loses children herself, THEN she can tell you you’re acting like an asshole… Until then.
Good for you for getting out of that toxic situation.
You deserve space, respect and genuine compassion from those who care for you.
With that said, are you in therapy?
What the fuck is she expecting? Holy fuck get out of there and get away from those people.
Can’t help to worry though, do you have someone else to talk, to rely on? How are you doing?