In the fragile space between their words, she wrestled with the ache of his admission—that his desires were tangled in confusion and discomfort with her changed body. Their conversation was a fragile dance around raw emotions, revealing the struggle to reconcile love with the reality of change, and the quiet hope that more honest talks might one day heal the rift.
After receiving feedback that ignoring a spouse can be abusive, I decided to have a proper conversation with my husband about what he said recently. I explained how deeply his comments about my body, especially after just giving birth, have offended and upset me.
He acknowledged that what he said was ‘messed up’ but insisted he cannot ‘help’ what he finds physically arousing.
My body has the same frame as before pregnancy, but I have a small stomach pouch that I haven’t had time to address with diet and exercise while caring for a newborn. We argued, and he stated he is simply not used to seeing my body that way, though he admitted he got used to seeing me pregnant and even liked it then.
The conversation did not resolve anything productive, though we are communicating slightly more now. I remain angry and offended because he has not formally apologized for hurting my feelings, even if he claims it is just his opinion.
I am not trying to force him to desire my current body, but if I had not asked why he wanted me to cover up, he would have kept me covering up during sex just to maintain his own pleasure without feeling ‘uncomfortable’ around my body.
I do not believe it is fair to expect me to accept being disrespected in this manner while my body is recovering from childbirth. I am sorry for not immediately starting intense cardio after being discharged from the hospital just to prevent offensive comments from my husband.
I tried to have a formal talk, but when it becomes a ‘debate’ or ‘heated,’ my husband shuts down the conversation, claiming I am trying to start an argument.
Conclusion
The original poster is deeply hurt and offended by her husband’s comments regarding her post-pregnancy body, especially given the physical recovery she is undergoing. Her central conflict lies between her need for emotional validation and respect for her body and her husband’s expressed discomfort with her current physical appearance, which he claims he cannot control.
Should the husband prioritize his partner’s emotional well-being and offer a sincere apology for causing pain, or is his expression of physical preference a valid boundary that the partner must simply accept without argument?
Here’s how people reacted:
Here’s the ugly question that he needs to ask himself, and he needs to be completely honest with himself over: you’re both going to age. If he’s this shallow about mom bodies, what’s he going to be like as you naturally get older? If he’s this crappy about changes associated with your becoming being a mom, what else is he going to be “turned off by”? Wrinkles? Sagging? Muscle tone loss? Gray hair? Weight gain/fat distribution changing? What happens if you get sick or have some sort of accident? Is he THAT shallow and so stupid as to think that we all look like we’re twenty for the rest of our lives? How would he feel if you gave him the same treatment about his body? After all, if you’re supposed to be a never-changing, perfect in appearance, he should be the same in return, correct? He’s some sort of male model and he’s going to stay that way his entire life, right? No? Then he needs to recognize he’s a hypocrite.
Of course he’s trying to dodge the conversation, he knows he’s in the wrong and he doesn’t want to admit it and doesn’t want to do any of the personal work on his own shitty attitude, he just wants to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself so you hopefully are guilted into “fixing” your body (even though frankly, again… not entirely possible for most women). Ultimately, he needs to ask himself if he’s so shallow that he can’t function in a long-term relationship, because if he’s so picky about bodies, he’s going to be dissatisfied with any woman over any length of time. That’s a serious personal flaw on his part.
Most women don’t get the exact same stomach they used to have back after pregnancy.
My ex husband also didn’t love my postpartum body. We had a dead bedroom.
Just wanna say. As much as I HATED my stomach, many, many men I’ve been with since my divorce either were indifferent to it or liked it. I have had no negative comments about my stomach since I left my ex.
What’s he going to do when you start getting wrinkles? When your boobs get saggier with age? Tell you to put a bag over your head so he doesn’t have to see the natural progression of aging that he finds so unattractive?
I’ve told myself i will never be with someone ever again whose attraction is so fickle. I will never again be with someone who has such a narrow view of beauty and attraction that one normal change in my body or general appearance makes them no longer attracted to me.
And thankfully, I’ve learned most people aren’t like that. And the ones who are are kind of porn rotted
You’re NTA and I’m sorry you’re going through this. This isn’t a problem with you. Its a problem with him
He may be turned off by your changing body, but I’d be SO turned off by his shallow, selfish, shitty attitude, his callous, cruel remarks, and his complete lack of accountability, decency, and remorse.
Your body’s just been through something SO intense that he will never be able to fully understand or related to, and now you’re raising a fucking baby. He should be lifting you up and supporting you in this — not tearing you down because he’s too shallow to embrace reality. We get older and our bodies change, especially after having children.
At least your body is something you can work on if you’re unhappy with it. His attitude, however, is irredeemable. Do NOT accept this treatment from your partner. Do not allow him to model this behavior for your child.
NTA before or now, don’t let your husband or other people make you feel like his thought process is reasonable. He told you that about your post birth body because he wants you to feel small, he wants you to feel bad. This is not what a loving partner does.
What a total asshole. This would be the end of it for me. My body is NOT like it was before childbirth and my wonderful husband has been so kind and loving and always makes me feel desirable.
I think he’ll cry before the end of the first day.
He’s a piece of shit.
If you never have sex with him ever again, it is justified.
NTA
You have a family now, time to have these conversations.
You’re right, he’s wrong, but it’s not the end
Aging is natural and will happen, and he’s not going to handle it well. If
A husband should be supportive of his wife, ESPECIALLY while she recovering from the birth of a their child.
His behaviour is both mean and disgusting.