Yet amidst the storm of broken bonds and harsh words, a fragile hope begins to bloom. The son’s yearning for an apology and a chance to heal reveals the profound resilience of love, even when it feels all but lost.
My son (14) came out as gay to me and his dad in November. His father threw a huge tantrum about it and screamed horrible things at him (my son let me overhear a phone conversation where he called him a faggot and said he was obligated to have biological children).
I don’t really know all that happened because my son didn’t want to tell me, but I was scared for his safety so when he didn’t want to see his dad anymore I agreed.
He obviously didn’t take that well and tried to get a custody agreement change but the judge didn’t have any of it. My son blocked him on all social media and I think on whatsapp too so he probably doesn’t have a way to him anymore so he’s trying to communicate with him through me.
Now, he told me he is sorry and he “wants things to go back to how they were”. I think my son is ready to forgive him as he told me he wanted an apology and I told his father so. I told him to write a letter with an apology and he got back to me with a lengthy text message mostly whining that he lost his son and how sad he is about it.
No expression of regret whatsoever. I let my son read it, but I sort of regret doing that because it just hurt him more. He still doesn’t want to talk or see his father.
In the last two weeks, since the current global crisis has aggravated I’ve been getting lots of messages from him telling me how much he’s suffering from not seeing his son, etc. I believe that he’s genuinely sorry for what he did but he’s too prideful to apologize to a child.
Also as far as I can tell my son still loves him and wants a relationship with him but he’s scared. He has been pressuring and trying to guilt trip me into arranging a physical meeting for the two of them and somehow forcing my son to go.
I don’t want to set up my son to be heartbroken again so I’m not gonna “take his phone until he goes” to meet his father like he suggested.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between protecting their devastated son from further emotional harm caused by the father’s past homophobic outburst and the father’s current pressure to force a reunion. The central conflict lies in the OP’s attempt to balance the son’s need for safety and autonomy with the father’s stated desire for reconciliation, which lacks a genuine expression of remorse.
Given that the father has shown no true apology but continues to pressure the OP to deliver the son, should the OP continue to shield their son from contact until the father demonstrates sincere accountability, or does the son’s expressed desire to return to normalcy outweigh the immediate risk of renewed emotional pain?
Here’s how people reacted:
Rather than apologize for his hateful words, he wants you to manipulate your son into seeing him. None of what you messaged here expresses any concern for how *his child* feels; he only cares about how the separation hurts him and his pride. If they meet up now, it’s entirely possible he will continue to behave the same way, with an added layer of guilt thrown at your son.
Stay strong. Your son will always want his father, but that doesn’t mean he is ready to face his father, and until that happens, you are his best protector. Your ex and all of his flying monkeys can kick rocks.
Source: my father is the same type of narcissist, and spent hours at a time making me feel bad for how shitty he felt after my parents’ divorce when I was seven.
As you can see, he has already started by trying to get you involved. Stop being his flying monkey and relaying his messages to your son. This is a clear manipulation tactic that your ex is using to enable his behaviour….Right now, you are enabling your ex.
If he was sorry, he would own it and apologize. He would do whatever he needs to in order to have his son back in his life.
Refuse to take part in his manipulation. I’m beginning to wonder if the ex has narcissistic tendencies. It certainly sounds like it.
Be the mom your son needs you to be right now. Be empathic to his feelings right now. He is the one who needs you. Stop feeding into your ex’s manifesto. He is a grown man and can manage himself.
Signed: mom of a gay child.
If/when your son decides he wants to meet up with his father, I suggest a public space where the father should be less inclined to make a scene, and getting away is easier for your son if need be.
As for your parents trying to get you to relent, don’t. I don’t know them, but I imagine it’s just that they’re old fashioned and all about the family unit, just a vestige of the times they were from. I doubt they mean any harm, and probably don’t realize that in today’s day and age, they’re thinking very backwards on this.
Stay strong. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s unlikely to give up anytime soon
He’s not, which I say mostly because of this:
>I’ve been getting lots of messages from him telling me how much he’s suffering
It’s not about your son at all; it’s about him.
Do what’s best for you son, and tell dad that you’re not comfortable taking him out in the current climate. If he wants to interpret that as his own temper, fine; if he wants to interpret it as medical precaution, fine. Either way, the kid doesn’t need the added stress of dealing with this.
Also, your parents get no say. He’s your child, not theirs. They didn’t hear what you heard; they didn’t see your son in that moment. They don’t get to force you into their mistakes.
NTA
It sounds like he had the chance to reconnect with the apology note, but screwed it up. If your son doesn’t want to give him a third chance then that’s his choice, and an understandable one too.
Also, the fact that the father wants you to force your son to meet with him suggests he still doesn’t respect his child in the least. He needs to realise you can’t force someone into forgiveness. At most you’ll get a half hearted attempt brought on purely by guilt, and false forgiveness will often just turn into resentment.
You’re a good mom and your son is lucky to have you in his corner. Trust your instincts, they have steered you right so far. That’s why you still have a relationship with your son in the first place!
Actions speak louder than words, is all I’m saying, and he can barely do the whole “words” thing at this point. Protect your kid, OP. And, respect his wishes. Forcing him to comply will make him resent you as well as give him even deeper scars.
Instead of bearing others pressures throw some pressure of your own.
Keep protecting your son. It sounds like his father has a lot of issues to work out. What I do think you can do is keep the line of communication open and let your son know his father wants to speak to him, but it needs to be 100% your son’s choice.
Good for you for being strong on this!
Just make sure your son knows that the option is there, and you’ll be fully supportive of his choices.
His father doesn’t deserve him. And why would you let your son move from one place to another right now anyway? Stay home! Don’t let the father visit, either.
EDIT: Make sure your son knows that this line is bullshit – ” obligated to have biological children “
Well done for making a space for your son.
Your son’s father has to apologise before anything happens. I think the father just wants to ambush your son to try to a bit of amateur conversion therapy.