The tension simmered quietly in the group chat, a digital battleground where personal sacrifices and unspoken resentments threatened to unravel the bonds that once felt unbreakable. Every word weighed heavy with the fear of being labeled inconsiderate, as the bride grappled with the impossible choice between supporting her Maid of Honor and preserving cherished friendships that, like fragile threads, risked snapping under the pressure.
My Maid of Honor (29F) found out she’s pregnant and due in August. I (29F) live a plane ride away from her. We’ve been friends for 15 years.
Today my MOH mentioned planning a baby shower in a group chat with me and our other friend, we can call him Ben (29M).
She asked Ben, who is local to her, “How can I make sure you can attend the baby shower?” He has a demanding job.
I have a salary job and it’s easy to get time off.
MOH shared she wanted to have her baby shower on a specific long weekend between my wedding (In April) and her due date.
I said “I’m so sorry, that’s [other friend, let’s call her Sue]’s wedding.”
MOH said “woof, well I think that’s the only weekend I can do it.”
Not only is it Sue’s wedding but I was also planning on going to an event in the wedding’s area with another friend, Daisy, who was planning to fly there for the event.
I have no other plans the remaining weekends.
I said “I’d really hate to have to be an asshole and cancel on two people, I’d really appreciate if you did not put me in that position.” Perhaps my wording was disrespectful there.
My MOH shared that she did not understand why I have an issue cancelling on Daisy, but Sue’s wedding she can understand. I explained that if it came down to it, I would cancel both of them for her baby shower, but it just sucks to be in this position.
She made several comments such as “my baby shower doesn’t revolve around your schedule” and “Yeah I get being upset about cancelling things, I have to cancel and change things for the next 18 years.” I chose to ignore these comments as she has shared she is hormonal and wants people to go easy on her.
I asked her to speak to her husband’s family about their schedule and let me know to try to de-escalate. She said she didn’t understand why I was getting upset at her and I “didn’t understand where she is coming from.” Where she is coming from is that she is guessing this weekend is the only weekend her husband’s family is available, and the weather around that time would likely be ideal.
That’s when I snapped a bit and pointed out that I was ignoring her rude comments and just wanted to work with her because I love her but she doesn’t seem to see that effort and asked her to “stop attacking me.”
From there we did manage to de-escalate, but I still feel hurt that she was not willing to reconsider her plans for me, but had no problem asking Ben about how to make sure he can come.
I also feel upset that she doesn’t find it significant that I am being expected to cancel plans with multiple people that involve travel. Her opinion is I should have little problem cancelling these other things for her baby shower.
I love her, I will, but it still fucking sucks.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is deeply conflicted, feeling hurt and unappreciated because their Maid of Honor (MOH) is insisting on scheduling her baby shower on a date that forces the OP to cancel two significant prior commitments involving travel and other friends’ major life events (a wedding and another planned trip). The central conflict lies in the MOH’s perceived lack of reciprocity and her dismissive attitude towards the effort required by the OP, contrasting sharply with the MOH’s own demand for flexibility from others.
Given the MOH’s insistence that her needs supersede the OP’s existing plans, the core question remains: Is it reasonable to expect a close friend, especially one traveling for a major event, to cancel two pre-arranged, significant commitments for a baby shower, even when acknowledging the friend’s pregnancy excitement and hormonal state?
Here’s how people reacted:
She wants to have her shower on the one wedding you’re unavailable. That sucks and you’d be totally within your rights to tell her you’re so sorry, but you’re busy with a wedding that weekend. It’s unfortunate, but people make commitments.
I see you said in another post that you’d pick the baby shower over the alternate plans because this girl is your bestie. Great! I’ve got people like that too.
I think you become the asshole when she says “woof, well I think that’s the only weekend I can do it.”, and you respond by basically telling her ‘well you’re \*making\* me be an asshole to my other friends – I don’t want to, but you’re forcing my hand’.
If you were sure you were going to attend the baby shower no matter what, the correct response there would have been “Oh darn, hmm, okay. Do you think you could let me know asap, cause I’ll have a bunch of stuff I have to logistic through. I need to see if I can get some of my money back, and let Sue and Betty know I can’t make it.” It’s informative – it demonstrates that there are other things that need to happen in order for you to attend that weekend, and maybe it would have given her a little nudge to try and find a different date that worked.
I think that your decision to attend the baby shower over the wedding is yours alone. It’s up to you what you choose to prioritize, and what plans you choose to keep or cancel. It’s unfair of you to put that on her. I’d feel bad about that too- almost like you were trying to guilt me into choosing a different weekend. I’d be annoyed too.
Either the date IS set in stone and she’s just not telling you that for some reason, or she’s upset that you’re not just willing to drop everything for any date. I think it’s worth asking about that, and about your other friend. Would she have rescheduled for him? Did she ask him in the same conversation or was it an earlier one before she’d gotten her heart set on this date?
I don’t think you’re not taking ownership just because you’re frustrated that it seems like she’s not even willing to check if other dates work before you cancel other plans. If it’s a friendship where you cancel everything to show up, it’s also a friendship where you check each others’ schedules before you commit to a date. And it’s the kind of friendship where your schedule should matter as much as family’s.
I think she’s hormonal and emotional and some things must not have been communicated well or clearly. Emotions are getting in the way here. If you can approach this from the perspective of truly trying to understand her thoughts and feelings, if you can communicate your own hurts with vulnerability… You will come to a resolution you both feel okay about, or you will realize she isn’t the friend you think she is (assuming you are the friend you say you are). No guarantee of a happy ending, but when you lead with openness and vulnerability, people who love you *should* be able to meet you in that place, even if it takes them a hot minute to get there.
“Don’t put me in this position.” What freaking position? All you had to say was, “I’m busy that weekend and can’t make it / I’m not sure I can make it then.” If she wants to take that into consideration, she can, but she doesn’t have to.
And since you’re saying in the comments that you’d cancel stuff anyway, this makes even less sense. “I have X wedding and something else going on that weekend, so to me, any other weekend would be better. However if that’s the only possible one, of course I’ll come.”
No one was putting you into anything until you put yourself there. Also, what’s with the MOH title? If this is your best friend or friend, then just call them that. Or call them by name. MOH seems ridiculous when this isn’t about your wedding.
Here’s the thing that you fail to see, it’s impossible to maintain “best friend status” when you have that much distance. Maybe you haven’t made any great friends in your city. But it seems, at least from what you said, that MOH and the other friend have grown closer.
Your friend is having a baby, and you’re getting married, probably starting to think about children yourself. Time to spend with each other will fade, and the friendship will grow further apart.
None of these events revolve around you but you’re acting as if you’re the most important person in all this. You have made a commitment to the wedding and the other event. You are unavailable to go that weekend. If your friend decides to throw a baby shower that weekend you apologise and do something with her one on one instead.
Honour your commitments and stop trying to get everything arranged around your own schedule.
Not to mention that cancel for 18 years comment is uncalled for. That’ll be her job as a parent that she chose, she can’t play martyr when nobody is forcing her to have a child and have to cancel. That comes with parenthood.
NTA if you tell her “I’m sorry, I already had these prior commitments and if you really *need* me at your baby shower you will consider that I am unavailable that weekend. You are my good friend but so are Sue and Daisy and it’s not fair to cancel when their events are booked and paid for.”.
You agreed to go to the wedding already, it sucks but that’s life. Your MOH is aware of your prior commitments, if she still books it for that weekend then she’s either not bothered about you being there or she enjoys feeling superior to others (because you’ll have cancelled for her). If you’ve RSVP’d yes and you cancel that’s unbelievably shitty behaviour.
This is a BABY SHOWER, not a command appearance before the queen. You have plans. You had plans before the shower was ever discussed.
If you have any backbone or self respect you will tell her once and for all that she is, of course, free to have her shower whenever is best for her. If it is that weekend you are very sorry to say that you will not be able to attend.
She may be hormonal but she’s still a demanding, selfish AH.
Whether or not you understand it, that’s where it’s at. So you now have to choose between her baby shower, and your other plans.
YTA not for the choice you’re making, but for putting that choice on your MOH and trying to make her feel assholish about it.
It’s your choice, whichever one you make. So make it.
Also I wouldn’t be surprised if she can’t travel to be your MOH now because she’s pregnant. Not because she actually can’t, but because it’s an excuse she can take advantage of. She might be your BFF, but you don’t seem to be hers.
A good friend wouldn’t even ask you this and would say ok not available so we check other weekends or said ok that’s too bad maybe we can go out to lunch or something instead.
No she’s getting mad uhm hell no.
ESH
A wedding is a major event and should come before a baby shower.
Your best friend does not see you as her best friend and I would start rethinking how much you bend over for her lol
Response is MOH – I can do any day except day of wedding, and then apologise if that was the day she choose.
A baby shower is not that significant. I have 2 teens. It’s just a party to get stuff. A festival of capitalism.
A wedding is a major life event.
Also, basic etiquette is you never cancel a RSVP because another event comes along.
You’re not available that weekend, because you already have plans.
If MOH can’t schedule a different weekend, you can’t go.
Go to the wedding, skip the baby shower because you have prior commitments.
Best friend or not, this speaks volumes of your character