Now, faced with a new request from another dear friend and their partner, he stands at the crossroads of generosity and personal boundaries. Their hope, inspired by his earlier act of kindness, stirs a powerful mix of emotions within him—pride, love, and the complex reality of what it means to give life without ever wanting his own. This is a story about the profound bonds forged not by biology alone, but by heart and soul.
I (29M) am a gay man with many queer friends of various sexual and gender identities. I am in a long-term relationship and actually love other people’s kids, but am uninterested in ever having my own children.
Two years ago, one of my oldest, closest friends (a lesbian who we’ll call M, now 30F) and her wife asked me if I would consider donating sperm so they could have a child. I love M as much as I love anyone, and was super honored that she’d asked.
I said yes. M and her wife now have a lovely baby girl who I act as an “uncle” toward, and who I love very much in a “this is not my child but I hope to know her for the rest of my life” kind of way.
About a month ago, another good friend (nonbinary, call them J, 28) and their partner (nonbinary, 33) told me that they were also interested in having a child. In case it’s not obvious, they are both biologically female, so they can’t have kids together lol.
They told me that they were wowed by how well my decision to donate for M had worked out, and were hoping to do the same. They told me that they’d love it if I had the same sort of relationship with their child that I do with M’s daughter.
In the past, I have told many of my friends that I would be open to donating again, under the right circumstances, and in fact there is yet another lesbian couple that I’m quite close with that I’ve discussed donating to once they reach that point.
Like I said, I love kids and as long as I’m not considered a “father” in any way, I don’t mind spending ten minutes giving people I love the opportunity to live their domestic dreams.
However, with J and their partner… if I’m being honest, I don’t think they’re ready to have children. The two of them have been off-and-on for several years, with both of them cheating on each other at various points (the last time being only about six months ago).
I care about them both very much, but they’re honestly pretty immature. I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of being involved with their (rash) decision to have a kid, so I told them that while I was honored they asked, I wouldn’t be able to donate.
I didn’t tell them why, but obviously they’ve heard me say before that I’d be down to donate again, so they were understandably surprised that I declined. After they pressed me for my reasoning, I told them that I didn’t feel comfortable giving a child to a couple that I honestly didn’t think were ready for it.
They were very offended. They told me that it’s not my place to judge whether they’re ready for kids, and that it’s messed up that straight couples can knock each other up whenever they want, but queer couples have to be considered “worthy” of it.
Obviously, I’m under no legal or moral obligation to produce any child that I don’t want to produce. But I do understand that I’ve really hurt my friends, and a lot of our extended friend group is super pissed at me rn, so I’m here looking for some perspective.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is grappling with a conflict between their stated openness to sperm donation for loved ones and their personal judgment regarding the readiness of one specific couple (J and their partner) to parent. While the OP felt honored by the request, their decision to decline, based on concerns about the friends’ relationship instability, caused significant offense and tension within their social circle.
Given that the OP has already established a pattern of willingness to donate to other trusted queer friends, the central question becomes: Does a person who volunteers to be a known donor retain the right to exercise personal judgment regarding the stability and fitness of the intended parents, even when exercising that judgment causes deep hurt and social backlash?
Here’s how people reacted:
I think when they talked about queer couples needing to be considered “worthy,” they were probably talking about how they feel they are treated by people in general, and your decision reminded them of that treatment. To me, that says that there was A) a miscommunication and B) it’s an emotionally loaded situation for them with pre-existing tension. I think it’s worth coming back to them and explaining that it has nothing to do with being worthy and everything to do with how you personally want to donate your sperm.
I recently asked my aunt to perform my wedding. She’s officiated other weddings for close family and friends. She said yes, but she also said that she wanted to meet with me and my fiance a few times to talk about marriage etc and said she would have to decline if she felt like it was a marriage that she couldn’t perform. Personally, I understand where she’s coming from. She wants to make sure that she isn’t cosigning something she doesn’t agree with and that she truly understands the relationship and knows it’s strong. She already knows us individually, but I can understand why she wants this extra step. I feel like you have similar feelings about donating your sperm, it’s just something that you have to explain to your friends and maybe offer support in another way that you feel more comfortable with.
It’s your sperm and you’re who gets it in creating another human being.
Even if this couple were straight and cis, they’d still, from what you’ve said, not be suited to have a child.
They asked, and you said no. They should have left it there instead of pressuring you into an answer. Who you donate to is of course a very personal matter to you and they should have respected your answer in the first place.
“it’s messed up that straight couples can knock each other up whenever they want, but queer couples have to be considered “worthy” of it.”
Yes, it is messed up that parents who have to try to the parents, whether straight or queer, sperm or egg donation, adoption or surrogacy, have to jump through way more hoops to become parents. And that unfit parents often easily become parents without such hurdles.
But their answer seems just to be…become unfit queer parents? Smashing the system.
Anyway, it’s your body and your choice in this matter. I’m sad that they couldn’t accept that.
First of all, that’s biology, not society, and I’m not sure what they expect to do about that – forcible impressment of select women for 9 months and men for 9 minutes so they can get the necessary equipment? Secondly, both gamete donors *do* have to consider each other “worthy” in some fashion (barring criminal action), only doing what it takes to make a baby if both are willing.
These people sounds like AHs to each other, to the world, and to you. And you would be too if you helped them bring a baby into their ignorant, entitled, unfaithful, troubled “family.” Refusing makes you NTA.
Also, it’s not like you’re the only potential sperm donor in the world. You haven’t prevented them from getting pregnant, you just don’t want to be a part of it.
For your own sanity, it would have been better to not tell them why you wouldn’t donate. But I don’t think you did anything wrong by being honest.
” They told me that it’s not my place to judge whether they’re ready for kids ” perhaps correct, but it is your place to judge whether they’re ready to have YOUR kid (in the very limited sense you want further children to be ‘yours’). Don’t forget, they also like the relationship you have with the existing child, that is part of the package. They could definitely find a sperm donor easily enough if they just want to be ‘knocked up’ like straight couples.
If they want to have a child so badly, then they can get their act together and find another sperm donor.
In the future though, probably don’t share that you are open to donating again with anyone you aren’t willing to donate to.
Don’t be pressured into fathering a child with an one you’re not comfortable with. It’s your choice. Your DNA, your child (whether you bring it up or not) thank you for helping your friends but don’t feel everyone has a divine right to your swimmers!
Also, just because straight couples can often (not always) knock each other up whenever, doesn’t mean they should. I wish a lot of people out there would give more thought before they had kids.
The fact that straight people who aren’t necessarily ready to be parents can get pregnant is a pretty ridiculous argument to justify their desire to have a “save the marriage” baby.
And again. IT IS YOUR BODY, NO ONE GETS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.
I would never do it simply because I have read cases where the state goes after the sperm donor for child support if the lesbian couple breaks up and she gets on public assistance. Doesn’t matter if you signed papers stating you aren’t responsible, the state doesn’t care. Not worth it.
It definitely sounds like those two aren’t cut out for parenthood, at least not yet. You don’t have much tact, but as a victim of child abuse, fucking *THANK YOU.*
It’s your sperm and you chose where it goes, who it goes to, end of story.
(EDIT: Whoa, this is, by very far, the most popular comment I’ve ever made in my entire life! Reproductive autonomy is priceless. Peace.)