This silent fracture between them is more than just a disagreement; it is a painful reminder of how delicate recovery can be, not just for the body but for the heart. As she weeps, yearning for empathy, the chasm of indifference widens, threatening to overshadow her healing journey with loneliness and hurt.
I (44F) had major surgery last week. I am home recovering and off work for 2 weeks, with 4-6 weeks recommended before resuming life relatively ‘normally’.
My partner (42M) informed me late yesterday afternoon that his son (13M) was having 5 friends for a sleepover tonight. It’s now Saturday where I live. I had no prior knowledge that he’d allowed his son to organise this and it’s for no special reason, it’s just because.
I was instantly upset. I asked why he would agree to that not only without speaking to me first but also when I’m just home from hospital and recovering from major surgery. His response was that he didn’t think it would affect me and he just forgot to mention it.
I started crying, saying that I felt so uncared for and that he was being inconsiderate of my healing and recovery. He continued to reiterate that he didn’t see how it should affect me and that it wasn’t a big deal.
He suggested that if it bothered me that much, I could go and stay at my Mums for the night. I didn’t wait until the next day (today, Saturday), I packed a suitcase and drove myself to my Mums right then.
Even though I’m not supposed to be driving yet.
He has sent messages saying I’m over reacting and that he still doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t understand how he thinks an additional 5 teenage boys in a house with 1 toilet and the living space right next to our bedroom where I’m supposed to be resting and recovering, won’t affect me.
Surgery was gynaecological. Removal of one ovary and fallopian tube, along with removal of a 6cm solid mass.
I do think (hope) if the Mum’s knew I’d just had surgery, especially given it was major Gynecological surgery, that they would have declined the invite. Unfortunately I don’t have contact information for any of the parents because the son mentioned is from my partners previous relationship and I have no interaction with that friendship circle.
My Mum lives only 200 meters up the road. A one minute drive at most. I am still in a considerable amount of pain and medicated, but delayed my then due dose until after I arrived at my Mums.
My kids loaded the car.
I have 4 children of my own, 2 are underage and live with us 100% of the time. Partner has 3 children total, 2 are underage and live with us four nights a fortnight. I say I have 4 biological kids and 2 bonus kids.
This is because his eldest is technically his step son and also an adult.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced significant distress and a sense of being uncared for after her partner unilaterally scheduled a major sleepover for his son immediately following her major gynecological surgery. The central conflict lies between the OP’s fundamental need for rest, privacy, and consideration during a critical recovery period, and her partner’s dismissal of these needs, framing them as an overreaction to a minor inconvenience.
Given the acute physical recovery required after major surgery versus the partner’s failure to prioritize his partner’s well-being, was the OP justified in immediately leaving to stay with her mother, or would constructive communication have yielded a better outcome than abruptly deserting the situation? The debate centers on whether immediate self-preservation actions are warranted when core needs are ignored, or if boundary setting requires less drastic initial measures.
Here’s how people reacted:
If he had reacted by canceling the sleepover, that would have been fine. If he had reacted by apologizing and offering to drive her over to her mom’s for the weekend, that would have been acceptable.
… I’m also wondering what the son is going to make of this. It’s completely normal for a teenage boy to not think through the idea of what having five friends over when your dad’s partner is recovering from surgery and what that would mean for OP. But on reflection, when he finds out that she’s left the house, he might have thoughts about what having a partner means, and what it means to take care of them when they are vulnerable. I wonder what his dad is teaching him.
If the kids are more laid back than loud, I can see hubby thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. “Hey, realize that mom/stepmom just had surgery and don’t put my more in the doghouse with being jerks. I probably should have said no.”
I’m not sure what kind of surgery you had. The fact that you could drive to your mom’s dispute not supposed to, means you’re not heavily drugged and in intense pain. Because you would have called to get picked up instead of packing and leaving.
Does hubby suck, no doubt about it. Don’t sick for leaving. No. Should you blow up your relationship over it? If he constantly disregards you and disrespects you and there are way more problems than this, that’s your choice. Only you know the answers to all this so for now, I’m going ESH.
But I think it’s completely insane that so many commenters think it would have been on you to clean up and feed and otherwise take care of these kids.
It’s husband’s kid, and bonus kid’s friend. Husband and friend are both old enough to secure food and to clean up without your assistance.
Unless kid+friends are typically very rowdy, and I was worried their noise would keep me up all night, I wouldn’t have left.
But my husband would have asked me “are you sure it’s ok if he has a sleepover?” at least 6 times rather than just a “btw kiddo is having a sleepover.”
The boy didn’t think anything of inviting his stinky pubescent friends (anybody saying hormonal 23 year old boys don’t stink is kidding themselves) over in the first place. The kid is well on his way to being just like his old man.
NTA
Stay at your mom’s as long as you can, and I’d start talking with divorce lawyers while you’re there
http://loveisrespect.org
Check this site out while you’re at it
I don’t think the boys would actually affect your recovery in any way at all, assuming you’re not expected to feed and watch them or clean up after them.
But automatic he’s an a h for having anyone overnight without running it by you regardless of if it affects you or not.
Stay with your mother and don’t ever go back.
They barely leave each others side. All hubby needs to do is provide food at regular intervals.
Having said that, hell no whilst you’re recovering from surgery. NTA
Not overreacting but tell him that he and your son need to have the house cleaned up including dishes and laundry (and rubbish out in the correct bins) before you can come home.
Go book yourself a hotel stay, and consider a divorce attorney. NTA
How does he think it won’t affect you?
Well he can deal with the kids now so he may be in for a reality check.
NTA
What a shit. Like really, what a shit.
Who does that? Really.
And 1 bathroom is actually a big deal when you share with 7 people.
NTA
Presumably you’re not married.