Amidst the constant rearrangements and postponed celebrations, the boy’s childhood unfolds in the shadows of his sister’s urgent needs. His birthdays, often delayed or diminished, echo the silent sacrifices made in love—a poignant reminder of how family devotion can both bind and isolate, leaving him to grow up faster than he should in the quiet spaces between care and chaos.
My sister (12f) has a bunch of different needs. She’s got a physical disability, she’s autistic and she has learning disabilities too. Because she has so much going on with her our parents always focused more on what she needed.
My parents even sold the house we used to live in and downsized to a rental so they could afford more for her because they were struggling even with all the money they got for her.
It meant I (15m) don’t have an actual bedroom anymore and my parents had to move stuff around and put up a curtain so I could have something. I got used to being home alone from a young age when I got home from school until my grandparents insisted I should spend the time at their house while my parents brought my sister to all her appointments.
There are also years I had to postpone my birthday party the day of because my sister was having a bad day and my parents were too tired after being up with her all night to have it go ahead.
Whenever the parties did happen they were smaller and some people didn’t let their kids come because my parents had a reputation for not going ahead with stuff.
My parents never wanted my grandparents to help. They just wanted us to deal with it and for me to be okay with making sacrifices for my sister.
Another sacrifice they had me make was not joining the coding club when I started high school. I really wanted to be a part of it but my parents said it meant travel sometimes for competitions my school enters and they said it wasn’t something they could promise to let me do.
They said it wasn’t fair to my sister if we had to go somewhere and she had a hard time with it.
But now they want to move. There’s a school they found that parents of special needs and disabled kids have said is really good. But it’s in another state. My sister qualifies for her tuition to be paid in full but it means we’d all need to move.
My parents told us they wouldn’t move unless everyone was on board and then they hyped it up. They said it would be great for our family and giving our “blessing” to move means we can all have such a great life there.
But I don’t want to move. It means leaving my friends and my grandparents behind and they keep me sane.
I told my parents I didn’t want to move but they could have my blessing if they let me stay behind and live with my grandparents. They didn’t listen to me at first and told me why it was the best thing for my sister.
I said I heard them the first time. But I don’t want to move. I told them my friends are here, my grandparents are here and if I move I have nobody. They said it’s not true and I have them and my sister.
I said they’re too busy with my sister for me. It means being alone every day after school, it means no friends, no family, nobody around for me. I said even if it’s better for my sister I don’t want to sacrifice more.
So the only way to get my blessing is to let me stay. I told them my grandparents were okay with it and we talked about me living with them so they could just focus on my sister. Which did actually happen btw.
They always said I had a place with them.
My parents told me I’m not thinking of my sister’s needs and how unfair I’m being and they can’t just move without me. They’re pissed that my grandparents would take me in too and they argued with them over it after they basically told me I was being too selfish about this.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels consistently overlooked and burdened by the immense needs of their younger sister, having made significant personal sacrifices in housing, social life, and opportunities. The central conflict arises because the parents demand the OP’s full support for a major move to benefit the sister, while the OP asserts their need for stability, friendships, and connection with their grandparents, viewing continued sacrifice as unfair.
Should the parents prioritize the sister’s specialized educational needs by moving the entire family, or is the OP justified in demanding to stay behind with supportive grandparents to maintain their own well-being and established support system? Is it reasonable for the parents to insist on unanimous family approval when the OP has already given so much?
Here’s how people reacted:
Thankfully your grandparents have always been there for you and sound like they truly have your back. What your parents are suggesting may well be right for your sister but it isn’t for you. If you move, you have no support system (grandparents, friends, teachers, school, etc) because the bitter reality which your parents need to accept is that they aren’t parenting you and haven’t for years, they’ve left you to cope. They may be great parents to your sister but they fucked up royally with you and have already burned down that bridge.
Talk to your grandparents, emphasise that you need their support which I am guessing they will be more than happy to give, and stick to your guns. Don’t move. Cite your educational needs, social needs, close relationship with grandparents and total lack of relationship and trust with your parents. I realise this may sound aggressive but it doesn’t need to be, they just need to understand that trust is earned and they haven’t built that with you because they haven’t prioritised you in years. Make it clear that your sister is blameless, that this is not about her or them for once, it’s about you and what is in your best interests.
They are making such a fuss because it doesn’t make them look good that their son is living with his grandparents because they haven’t prioritised him as they were so busy being *Parents of a Disabled Child TM* and look at how self sacrificing they are, how noble…except they can’t be these perfect parents in the eyes of the world because their older child has chosen to live elsewhere. How dare he have feelings about their neglect? He’s supposed to live in their house and cope alone, silently, without letting them or anyone else know he is upset! /s.
Good luck bud.
Your request to stay with your grandparents isn’t unreasonable. It sounds like they’ve offered a stable environment for you, and you’ve thought carefully about what you need to maintain your own mental health. It’s also understandable that you’re frustrated by how your parents have made decisions about the family without fully considering your perspective.
Your parents are likely acting out of a desire to do what’s best for your sister, but it’s important that they also consider your well-being. You’ve communicated your feelings clearly, and while they may feel hurt by your decision, it’s not wrong for you to want to stay where you feel supported and have a sense of stability. You’re not being selfish; you’re advocating for your own needs after years of making sacrifices for your sister.
It’s a difficult situation, but your feelings are valid, and you have a right to ask for a living situation that helps you thrive.
Your parents asking for your “blessing” and then disregarding your feelings is frustrating. It sounds like they’re trying to guilt you into agreeing by framing your choice as selfish when, really, it’s just a way to advocate for your own well-being. It’s not your job to sacrifice everything for your sister, especially when you’re already missing out on things like privacy, activities, and time with your family.
You’re 15 and deserve to have your own needs met too. Asking to live with your grandparents isn’t unreasonable—it’s a compromise that lets them focus on your sister while you still get the support you need. It’s not selfish to say you want a life where you feel seen and valued.
I made sure any appointments were done in school time and if something popped up, then the other 2 knew they would go with their nan until we got home. They were never left alone, nor forgotten about.
I have never let my daughter hide behind her “label” but she knows she needs more help than most. She has now finished university when she was always told she would never amount to much, or be able to attend college/university and to just forget about it.
She is now in a loving relationship, living with her partner and their baby girl, living her best life.
My other 2 children are also in university/ college living their best lives.
I have worked in LD/MH for all over 27 years, and see firsthand the devastating effect parents have on their family members when they exclude others to prioritise 1 child.
Go to your grandparents, they can help and guide you. Good luck xxxx
Your parents want you to move with them because they could isolate and teach you to look after your sister when they no longer can!
Moving in with your grandparents means escaping their control and they don’t like that, they’re disguising it as you being selfish but in reality they’re the ones being selfish and don’t see that … yet anyway!
“What’s best for your sister” ugh!! Yeah grew up with that , and all mine has is mild compared to your sister OP ..
I’m VVVLC and the other side of the country from them living my own life , and I feel they hate that as they liked me being close to give them a break from my sister ..
So OP , good luck in moving in with your grandparents! I hope you do, to get away from that toxicity.. and once things have settled , look into therapy .. it’ll help, trust me!
OP:I consent for you guys to move, and for me to stay with grandparents.
Parents: Not like that!
NTA. If your grandparents want to do this, then you and they have found a potential compromise that could work well for everyone, with both children getting most of their needs met (it sounds like your sister will get all of her needs met while you’ll get all of your needs met, bar one: having parents in your life who engage properly with you; but you don’t have that anyway, so this compromise makes sense).
Your parents don’t really want your blessing, they just want the illusion of it so that they can feel better about themselves. That’s why they’re bullying you into giving your “blessing” after claiming it was free choice.
They are literally a shitshow when it comes to parenting.
Tell them you will ask your grandparents to file an emergency custody hearing for you to be removed from their care and have your grandparents made your legal guardians till you turn 18.
Cite all the incidents of neglect and lack of parental care and tell them you will be asking everyone you know to testify against them at the hearing.
They either go off and do their neglectful parenting in another state without you, or you will do everything humanly possible to let everyone know just what brand of horrible neglectful useless people and parents they are.
NTAH
If you can’t move in with your grandparents you need to approach CPS about being placed into foster care. You need to prioritise YOUR education and YOUR well-being.
Your parents are prioritising one child over all the others. Your life won’t be better moving away – it will be worse because you’ll be away from your family and friends and you’ll still be living with your intellectually and physically disabled autistic sister.
You’re not saying they can’t move or that you want to stop your sister from getting the help she needs. You’re simply asking for a choice that lets you maintain your own support system, friendships, and well-being.
Who tells their only son not to join a club because it would mean that they might have to do something for him when he needed them? That is terrible.
What is next? Oh sorry son. We can’t let you get married because we will be busy that weekend. Can you postpone it until your sister graduated college?
Your parents may feel torn, but their focus on your sister shouldn’t come at the cost of your well-being in my opinion. It sounds like you’ve thought this through carefully, and your request to stay with your grandparents is a reasonable compromise.
You’re not the selfish one
Your parents are parent finding you in order to sacrifice you so that they can get advantages for the other child
I feel terrible for the other child who does need all sorts of resource resources
But that does not justify sacrificing your life or your future in the new way whatsoever you also have needs and you also have rights
If they don’t let you stay with your grandparents, then they don’t love you and never did
As an adult i think the only real reason they want you to go its becouse it would “look bad” leaving a child behind for others to raise.
Have your grandparents talk to them and maybe they can reason with your parents.
Good luck. Hope you can stay with your grandparents
They won’t be given a cash prize or trophy for refusing any help, so they rather uphold some twisted image of their pride and virtue than asking for/accepting any help. And forcing you to do the same.
You’ve already had to give up so much, and now your parents want you to sacrifice your life for your sister.
I can’t help thinking they are angry at losing the extra help I’m sure you provide, as well as a future carer for your sister.
Stand firm. Your parents have two children, but seem to have forgotten this. They need to do the best by both of you.
Your family is setting you on fire to keep your sister warm, and it’s not fair.
Speak to your grandparents, who obviously see the bigger picture – get them to speak to your parents.
Updateme!
Your parents are complete failures. They failed you in any way they could.
Seriously, you will have better time at an orphanage than with them. Stand your ground, your feelings are valid.
For the first time in like, ever, you’re thinking about your own needs. Don’t let this discourage you from finally considering and acting on your own wishes!