Amidst the clash of styles and expectations, a new colleague’s bold femininity challenges the unspoken rules of their shared space. This silent tension stirs a deeper reflection on identity, acceptance, and the courage it takes to be unapologetically oneself when the world insists on fitting into boxes.
I am a woman 35F and I work in a very male dominated industry. I am not a tomboy or “one of the guys”, I have “feminine” hobbies and interests like knitting, baking etc but I also like some “masculine” hobbies as well- I do MMA, I dabble in blacksmithing.
Anyway, I dress pretty modestly at work. There’s no particular reason for it but I usually wear a button down shirt, slacks/trousers and a cardigan- like this even with bright colours
https://www.puttingmetogether.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Yellow-Sweater-over-plaid-top-with-green-pants-business-casual-outfit-front-1080×1620.jpg
Even in summer, I wear this but with a lighter material shirt and a lighter cardigan.
About a year ago, another woman joined our firm and she’s more Sex in the City type fashion, very chic, feminine and put together but that means she often wears see through blouses (with a singlet underneath), lower cut tops and skirts of varying lengths.
I was doing some online shopping during my lunch break the other day in the kitchen area when she saw and sat down next to me to chat.
She kept telling me to get tops and skirts that are not in my comfort zone and she kept asking why when I said “it’s not me”.
Finally I had to say, I like to dress modestly.
I have no idea how I could word that better but I felt backed into a corner. She got offended and I said that I had no issue with what she wore but I preferred to be more covered up because it made me comfortable.
She’s now extremely cold and told me I was “shaming” women in this industry who didn’t want to lose their femininity in a male dominated field.
I get that but I’m not super girly anyway, I dress for my comfort.
AITA here?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing conflict because her modest work attire, chosen for personal comfort, was criticized by a new female colleague who advocates for a more expressive, less covered style of dressing. The OP attempted to set a boundary based on personal preference, which the colleague interpreted as a form of judgment or “shaming” of her own choices.
Should an individual’s choice of professional dress, when it adheres to company standards, be immune from critique or pressure from peers, even when that critique is framed as support for shared identity? Or does the colleague have a right to express concern that personal modesty choices might inadvertently reinforce conservative workplace norms for other women?
Here’s how people reacted:
“Modest” has an ethical component implied.
One definition is: [“(of a woman) dressing or behaving so as to avoid impropriety or indecency, especially to avoid attracting sexual attention.”](https://www.google.com/search?q=modest&oq=modest&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60l2j69i61.1592j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)
So you’re basically saying to her she’s dressing the opposite. Regardless of how you meant it, that’s how she took it.
She should have just let it go though. If you said that to me, I’d just silently note that you are conservative and potentially have questionable views from my perspective about women’s bodies and shame. Definitely not something to confront someone else about, just a signal to your values.
As long as you’re both dressing professionally I don’t see the issue.
If anything, ***she*** is trying to shame ***you***. Feminism should be about respecting a woman’s right to choose. Respecting her right to wear revealing clothing that she wants to wear, and your right to wear modest clothing that you want to wear. You should be able to make that choice. A man shouldn’t make that choice for you, and another woman also shouldn’t make that choice for you. You should.
NTA
Modest/immodest, while opposites, don’t necessarily mean the polar opposite thing. For example, if you don’t “love” something, that doesn’t mean you “hate” it. So I can understand her thinking you were judging her, even if you weren’t.
I went with not the asshole though, because it shouldn’t have gotten to that point. “It’s not me” should have been enough.
>told me I was “shaming” women in this industry who didn’t want to lose their femininity in a male dominated field.
You didn’t say anything about her clothing until she started prodding you about your preference.
As a woman, I think (from your description) her attire is inappropriate for work.
She’s definitely in the wrong here for pushing you though.
She is being dramatic for no reason. You aren’t comfortable in those types of clothes and that’s fine. It is her own fault for taking offense like that.