The sting of being sidelined by the one who was supposed to be his anchor grew heavier when news of his dad’s new relationship surfaced, reopening wounds that had never truly healed. It was a raw reminder that, in the story of his childhood, he had been a background character in the life of the man he longed to call “dad.”
My parents got divorced when I (17m) was 7. My dad was never the best dad or the worst dad. He wasn’t a monster or neglectful but he never made time for me. If I asked him to hang out with me he’d say later and later never came or he was too busy and maybe another time but the other time never came.
He’d encourage me to do as many extra curricular’s as I wanted and he hired a babysitter to take me to and from those after school. He went to parents conferences with my mom. But I don’t remember him being at very many school plays or sports games.
The few times he showed up he’d be gone before it was over and wouldn’t mention it and sometimes he’d be so distracted he’d ignore questions I asked. It always made me sad and I asked him to spend time together pretty often.
When I found out he was dating someone it was a surprise but then it hurt me again because I found out he was spending time with her and her kids and bonding with them. He did eventually include me into that for a few months before they moved in together.
But I was pretty devastated ngl. I saw him be such a different person and since they got married he’s become a way better dad. But it started with them and it hurts and makes me angry too.
I don’t want them to have better than me. I hate that they get better from my own dad than I did until they came along.
He’s taken more of an interest in me but I pulled away and I reject a lot of his attempts. He takes us all out to do stuff and when I see how much time he’s spent with them and the bond he built with them it makes me want to tell them all to go fuck off.
His wife has called me out for not being warmer to her kids and trying to get to know them like they’ve tried to get to know me. My dad has set up a rotation for different things with different kids and I’m included in it but it doesn’t feel like enough when I have to watch him include them, when they got this stuff before me.
He sat me down a few weeks ago and told me he felt like I was unhappy and he wanted us to talk. I told him exactly how I felt. I told him it hurts me to see him be this great dad because he met them and became a stepdad but he wouldn’t do it for me.
I told him it pissed me off so badly. I told him where was that dad for me. And why did he give them the dad he is now first. Why them. Why not his own kid. I told him they’re not his real kids, they’re not the kid who wanted so badly for him to spend time with him.
I am. I told him I deserved it not them. They were just his wife’s kids. I pointed out how often I tried to spend time with him before he met her and how he’d brush me off. Or how little he showed up and took an interest.
I asked him how I was meant to be happy he was trying now when they got it first, when they started it not me. I told him I couldn’t be glad for them. He told me he was sorry and he started to get upset and he said he didn’t really reflect like he should have on his failings and that he said he heard everything I said and he was so sorry he wasn’t better and all this stuff.
He told me he wanted the chance to make it up to me but he couldn’t just ignore them now either. He asked if I was okay with it. I said no. I told him I wanted him to ignore them and only care about me but I know that’s not fair.
It just doesn’t seem fair that they got this better version first.
We talked some more and we agreed it would be better if I live with mom and he takes time with me, and he’s doing that. But after Christmas his wife reached out and she told me she heard everything I said and how unfair it was to punish her kids with what I said when they’re not responsible.
She said I made my dad feel so guilty too and how that wasn’t fair when I should just enjoy the fact he’s doing better. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is struggling with intense feelings of anger and sadness stemming from years of feeling neglected by their father, especially in light of his significant positive change after remarrying. The central conflict lies in the OP’s inability to accept their father’s current attention and effort because it was not given to them first, leading to resentment toward the new stepfamily who now benefit from the father’s best version.
Is it fair to demand that a parent prioritize making amends with an older child over maintaining a stable, loving environment for their current nuclear family, or does the depth of the past neglect create an undeniable right for the child who was actively sought attention from the parent?
Here’s how people reacted:
I would encourage you to consider going no contact or low contact with him. I was actually really hoping his response would be better. He wasn’t entirely wrong. He can’t do better by you just because he ignores them. That won’t help him be a better man. That said, he needs to admit he fucked it all up and find a commitment he can make to you to work on this. Instead of that he shipped you off to your mom’s house. He took the easy way out all over again. I personally wouldn’t want a father who is only a dad now because of his new wife and life. You deserve a father who fights for you, not against you.
As for stepmom? Tell her to shut the fuck up. Tell her that she has no right to tell you what your dad deserves from you or what her family deserves from you after how your father has behaved. Tell her if all she cares about is how this effects her kids and not you then she is just being an entitled Karen who can blow it out of her ass for all you care.
Here’s a different perspective for you. My sons(4m) passed away when he was 2. ITS HARD being a single parent. I don’t have a lot of time to “play” between work and maintaining the house. I do my best to engage and play with my son, but the dishes don’t stop. The laundry doesn’t stop. Dinner doesn’t cook itself. I wish I had more time to just play all day with him, but it’s not realistic. I’ve recently started dating and my girlfriend has a son (5m). They get along great luckily, but what I’m finding is it’s easier to have 2 kids with help. I can spend time with both of em if I don’t have to do ALL the chores. I hope my son never feels the way you do, cause I’m definitely not trying to be a better father to anyone else but my son. That said, you have a right to feel the way you do. Just maybe look at it in a different light.
Your dads wife should not have been eavesdropping, she should not have told you that she eavesdropped and should definitely not try to guilt you for expressing your feelings.
What did she expect? She herself asked your dad to talk to you, because it was obvious that something was wrong. Did she expect that to be a comfortable conversation?
Guilting you for your feelings at a time where you really did your father a favour by opening up to him, will only ensure that you won’t make that mistake again.
Sometimes it is a good thing for people to feel bad about themselves and their actions. Feeling bad is not nice, and that is the only thing that may have them make changes (because people are inherently lazy).
I think that it doesn’t hurt that your dad feels bad about himself. It is a heartless thing to ignore one’s children, and he should be thankful that you are giving him a chance still
I do think you should speak to your mom about therapy for yourself. And remember that therapy doesn’t mean you have to forgive him or want to be around him but it does mean that you get to feel a little less angry and can begin to move on from him/the situation.
Proud of you for giving voice to it. But the truth of the matter is, he would be a poor dad indeed if he did that to his stepchildren. So you and your Dad can work on this together, and remember friend jealousy is a very powerful feeling. You probably need a pro to help you work through the wounds your dad’s absentee parenting created, and move into your future with something better. Your stepmom is being a defensive parent, striking out at a child, and that helps no one.
Not saying you’re an AH in general, but on this, while I sympathise with your struggles, you’re wrong here.
You’re asking for something that isn’t reasonable, and unfortunately you can’t go back in time.
People get better as parents, or as people, and sometimes we get the short end of the stick.
Sometimes things change and he’s now in a different position to be a better parent.
You wanting him to be a worse (step) father is unreasonable.
Tell his wife to keep her thoughts to yourself and focus on trying to improve your relationship with your father.
And your dads wife. Shes an AH. How could she say that to OP. OP, whatever she told you, make sure you convey them in exact words to your dad. This is the wife he had married. Next time dont engage with this woman directly. Shes selfish and all for herself and her kids. If you still need to talk to her next time, make sure you record it. If shes mean, broadcast it to your family and relatives esp the paternal side. Cant believe shes this kind of stereotypical stepmom. What BS.
First and foremost, Op you need to have a conversation with your dad and your mom about his wife. You and your dad were having a private conversation, it was deliberately private, and instead of talking to the other adult she chose to call a 17 year old and try to manipulate him. She’s overstepping and not helping her cause.
Op, you are perfectly free to have those feelings and to tell your Dad especially since he asked you.
However I would suggest that you and your parent look into therapy ; your dad is trying and I think your anger is preventing you from getting the relationship you want from him.
Your feelings are valid! You have every right to feel however you are feeling!
Your father should feel guilty, he should reflect on how his actions have impacted you! This is his doing, and his wife think it’s unfair only because it “takes” from her children.
I hope your father can be a better dad for you! I hope that when he does spend time with you that you get one on one! Especially now you are living with your mom!
As for his wife, she is trying to protect HER kids, not HIS kids. That does not make it right, but it does make it understandable. Tell her to pound sand. This is between you & your dad.
NTA
It’s great that your dad was open and receptive to what you said. Ignore stepmonster’s rant. Your dad should feel a little guilty bc what he’s doing is wrong. What he did was wrong.
It’s ok for him to try to make it better and repair the relationship. She needs to understand that.
You can keep going down the road of pitty party or you can work on a relationship that will last the rest of your life. You’re being salty because your dad has changed and he is trying to include you. You seem to be resenting it. You cannot change the past, but you can learn to live in the present, if you want justification that you have the worst dad in the world, you need a better story kid.
I can imagine the resentment but I think a big part is also your mother’s fault, she didn’t advocate for you enough but your dad’s now wife obviously wanted your dad’s acceptance as a precondition to their relationship. So yeah, your dad is a huge asshole. He’s doing the dad thing out of duty rather than he really wants to
The fact he’s trying to.include you is a good thing. It’s up to you whether you want to do the work to heal and forgive.
Would you rather he treat the new kids poorly too? If your answer is “yes,” that’s work you have to do on yourself.
NTA
Stick with your mom, period. Your biological father made his choices a long ago. Your stepmother protects “her” children and hero own investment in him. Period! You will never, ever have a meaningful relationship with either your bio father nor your stepmother.
Stick with your mom, this is your only true friend.
Be good and happy.
Let your dad know what she said, and tell him that you don’t appreciate her knowing your business. If your dad really wants a good relationship with you, he needs to do better.
Healing takes time, and your dad seems willing to work on this.
You should be so proud of yourself for being honest with your Dad.
I hope things get better.
that wife is a meddler. She needs to butt out.
Talk to dad about that. Why was she eaves dropping anyway?