NTA. It’s great that your son is capable of friendship and affection toward people with cognitive disabilities. His physical disability paired with the fact that you’ve given him the opportunity to regularly interact with others with disabilities probably imbued him with a remarkable sense of empathy.

That said, based on your post and additional information in the comments, this relationship sounds inappropriate. It’s possible that, since so much of his time is spent with others with disabilities, your son has begun to define himself as his disability rather than as a person with a disability. Does he have friends outside this group? I know it might be frightening for him to go out into the world and try to open himself up among people who aren’t “othered” as much as he is, but I think he might be surprised by the chillness of people who genuinely like him for who he is despite not experiencing life in the same way.

And while I’m sympathetic to the POV of the girl’s parents, I think they’re inadvertently doing her a disservice. I get that they might be compelled to do anything they can to establish a “normal” life for their child under the circumstances and that included love and marriage, but would you really want your child to be paired off with someone who is only with them out of desperation because it is their “only chance at love”?

ESH—
I work with disabled individuals for a living, and have worked with individuals like your son, and his (ex?)girlfriend. The thing about all of this is, while you say she had the mind of a young child, that is a perception created by what you see. But let’s be honest, you don’t read minds, you don’t know her full thought processes. For all you know, she could think on a mature level but cannot “translate” what she wants to say/do. This idea that mentally disabled individuals cannot have romantic relationships is the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard, they are capable of it just like you and I.

You suck in this situation for making assumptions based on your perception of her. Her parents know he better and we’re happy with the relationship. I do however understand your concern when her tics became directed toward him. But that is when you sit him, her, and her parents down and talk about your concerns and address them. There could have been solutions you all could have come up with.

On the other hand, her parents suck too, for not considering your feelings on it. While his relationship is his choice, he is technically a minor at 17 and under your care. Again, you all should have sat down and had a mature discussion about it.

INFO: why are her parents so vehemently supportive of this? Surely as parents of a handicapped child, they’d be even more understanding of boundaries that parents set for their kids, not less.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the girls parents are supportive of this arrangement because it’s a “safe” relationship where they know for damn sure that their daughter cannot be taken advantage of physically due to your sons handicap and cannot mentally understand enough to be taken advantage of mentally/emotionally.

You know the other parents better than any of us. If they’re using your son as a “safe space” for their daughter to experience what a romantic relationship looks and feels like, I can’t help but feel its incredibly selfish of them. Their desires for their daughter to have a “normal” life experience comes at the expense of your sons emotional and mental health, nevermind his physical health when she has her tics.

I’m making a fair few assumptions, which is why I don’t feel comfortable giving a response but I can’t figure out what motivation the girls parents would have for encouraging such a dangerous and unhealthy relationship for their daughter and your son.

NTA.
*Not all disabilities are equal*
Her son was taking advantage of someone who was mentally years younger than him all because he’s afraid of being alone. OP has actually been around this girl, none of you have. You also can’t equate severe autism to deafness like…. what? There are disabled people who can live completely “normal” lives on their own and there are those that will need caretakers their entire lives. You can’t go around acting like all people have the same physical, mental and emotional capabilities in the name of “equality.” I’ll flip the script and say everyone else in that group are the assholes for their whole “aw look at the two disabled folk, finally finding loveeeee” bull crap. If multiple people complained to OP about this being their “one chance” at love, they don’t actually have much faith in their abilities. Allowing and encouraging someone of “normal” mental capabilities to pursue someone who is still mentally a child isn’t “empowering” or “supportive.” All you’re doing is enforcing their fear that they won’t find love.

NTA NTA NTA

My sister is a social worker. Last year she dealt with a convicted rapist.

He had mental learning difficulties and so did she.
The only reason for his conviction was that her mental learning difficulties were so severe it was deemed she couldn’t consent.
‘Officially’ they were dating etc.

Although both physical disabilities will make it harder. If they both had sexual contact and her mental ability was assessed (by your comments) it could be classified as rape as she wouldn’t be in a position to consent.

The last thing you want is for your son to be a convicted rapist and need prison time. It would make his future care a lot harder.

Also her parents seem like they like the novelty. Like when 5 year old tell everyone they want to get married. They don’t seem to understand the potential problems associated with an adult relationship on a person with the mental age of a child.

Despite the debate on how mentally/physically handicapped the girlfriend is, I feel like outsiders support it because people view people with disabilities like small children, despite their true mental capacity. On lookers aren’t even thinking of the physical aspect since they don’t think it’s even a possibility. OP’s son is confined to a chair, it would be difficult for things to progress sexually without someone to take him out of the chair, but its not impossible, they are teenagers.

If the girlfriend is completely nonverbal or can only communicate on a preschool level it raises the issue of consent, if something were to happen it could come across as an assault on a mentally and physically handicapped teenage girl by a completely mentally-abled teenage boy. So much grey area in these situations, for everyone’s safety is probably is better that they don’t see each other romantically.

NTA.

I work with adults with cognitive delays that put them mentally at the age of a child, and let me tell you, there is no way that they can date someone who is developmentally average and have that relationship be an equal, consenting or fair one. A person with CD/DD should be dating within their peer group, and your son is not her peer. The fact that the other parents cannot understand this is bizarre. Your son’s mental peer group are other cognitively average children his age, not a girl who will always be a 4 year old mentally.

It’s the different between the paraolympics and the special olympics.

Once he hits 18, he would open himself up to legal action in the state for abuse of an endangered adult. That’s serious.

Dating while disabled is tough, but not impossible. He’s being a dramatic teen, and the parents are being nosey and not looking at the situation logically.

NTA. This is incredibly difficult because you want to be supportive of your kid, but being 16 with no mental disability, it’s not ok to be with someone who has the mental capacity of a child. If he were without his physical disability and dating the same girl, this would obviously be wrong and creepy.

Just curious, so INFO – You said she is mostly nonverbal, so is she even able to verbalize her feelings or thoughts? What do she and your son have in common other than both having a disability (which do not sound similar) and belonging to the group? I guess I am just trying to figure out who decided this was a relationship and what brought them together?

NTA. I was all set to say you’re TA until I got to the part about her mental capacity. I’m appalled that her parents would be ok with her being in a “relationship” with your son, but I suspect that they–and the rest of the group–infantilize him because of his physical disability and assume he also has a mental one.

I’m sorry that your son is so angry at you. Just keep reiterating that it’s inappropriate for him to be in a relationship with someone who is so much younger than him mentally, and don’t focus on the tics.

ESH. 1) They way you phrase things is rough, especially because you don’t seem to have had any discussions with the girl’s parents prior to putting your foot down and terminating the whole thing.

2) If the way you describe the the girl’s mental capacity is truly accurate, then her parents are assholes for not realizing how inappropriate a relationship like that could be for both her and your son.

NTA dude you have to explain to your son tho that it its wrong to be with someone that has the mental capacity of a child when he has the copacity of a boy his age. If anything its kinda gross and woupdnt fly if they were both able bodied but had the same mentality so why would it be okay if they arent? Its a bad situation ehich can get him labeled as a predator

NTA. If he was being struck, it’s appropriate to not want him with her. The fact that she has diminished mental capacity is big too. Her tics and mental state are not her fault, but it’s not appropriate for someone with the mental capacity of a child to be with someone with the full mental capacity of an adult human.

NTA

This girl was harming your son and due to his disability he is unable to defend himself. You did the right thing by putting your foot down. Your son is young, he is over reacting.

NTA: someone beat me to it but the girl does not have the mental capabilities to enter into relationship much less legal contract such as marriage.

NTA she’s got the mental capacity of a child he doesnt that’s fucked up. I’m surprised her parents are ok with this.

NTA
If your son was being physically harmed by the girl then you had every right to put your foot down, and end it.