As the family struggled to hold on, the fragile balance shattered when trust was broken within the walls of their own home. Amidst the chaos of long hours and silent sacrifices, the discovery of missing money revealed deeper wounds, threatening to unravel the very foundation they had fought so hard to build.
My fiancés brother “Chris” moved to Mississippi from our home town 2 years ago to be with some girl he met on the internet. Chris has always been the type to make terrible life choices and my fiancé is ALWAYS the one who bails him out (with the except of my FMIL).
My fiancé does this because he has survivors guilt. They lived with their father growing up and their father hated Chris with a burning passion for whatever reason but loved my fiancé “Heath”; so Heath saw A LOT.
Yes, they both got out physically but mentally, Chris was ruined. Refuses therapy, gets in to trouble constantly, etc. He is 33 and my fiancé is 28.
So when Chris left to go to Mississippi, I was working at the hospital 70 hours a week while Heath stayed home with the kids. He had no income but he was a SAHD and this worked for us.
However, I started noticing money going missing quite often and when I checked the bank statements (Heath handled them because he was an accountant for a couple years and better at budgeting) I noticed a shit ton of Amazon purchases and money transfers through FB Pay.
When I confronted him he told me his brother and the chick didn’t work out so he was helping him with like hotel stays, food, essentials, etc. Its important to note that during this time, I was pissed because of how much money was being spent and limited him on what he could send his brother a month because its not my responsibility.
So I didn’t make him stop but limited him.
Well budget cuts went through my hospital 2 months ago and I was cut, along with 340 other employees. 4 wings were closed down, mine being one of them. So I am currently unemployed.
Heath works constantly now. I also just got my taxes back. We have 3 kids. Last night Chris calls and Heath shuts the bedroom door (I assumed cause the kids were being loud) but I walked in roughly 10 minutes later and see Heath has my debit card in hand, typing in the info on Amazon to buy his brother over $400 worth of shit (books, board games, playing cards, etc- nothing he “needed”).
I rip the debit card out of his hand and ask him what the fuck he is doing and he just looks at me like I am an AH and asks wtf I had the nerve to do that. I told him I am not fishing out $400 worth of shit to his brother, and he goes “my brother has nothing to fucking do and this is the only way I can help.” And said since I got back a shit ton of money, I should be willing to help, especially considering he gets his paycheck Friday and can make up for it.
I still said no. He is now saying I am a controlling AH.
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the husband’s ongoing, financially draining commitment to his troubled brother, which directly clashes with the wife’s immediate need to secure their family’s finances following her job loss. The wife acted decisively to protect their shared, diminished resources, leading her husband to accuse her of being controlling.
Given the sudden change in the wife’s employment status and the pre-existing financial strain caused by supporting the brother, is the husband’s expectation that his wife should fund large, non-essential purchases for his brother justifiable? Or does the wife have the absolute right to halt all discretionary spending to ensure household stability?
Here’s how people reacted:
You need to sit down with your husband and a therapist to talk through the survivor guilt and enabling behavior.
If Chris needs help; toys and games aren’t going to help him. And it’s not heath’s fault his parents sucked and messed them both up. Other people have been screwed over and made something of themselves.
Chris won’t learn to stand on his own until people hold him accountable.
Remind Heath that his brother can get a job and handle himself. The money he is using to support his brother is hurting his immediate family. And he shouldn’t use your debit card. Tax refund or not. That’s from your work. If he wants to throw money into a fire it can be his own.
But you need to have a serious talk with him with a mediator (this my suggestion of a therapist).
It wasn’t the right thing for your fiancé to do, and calling you an asshole is uncool, but I see how he might not be thinking straight when it comes to the issue so I don’t think that necessarily makes him an asshole.
But I don’t think you’re an asshole either for being pissed.
Edit to add: others clearly aren’t reading the whole thing and the fact that now he is the main income earner which I just wanted to acknowledge because it’s really annoying. Not that it means it’s his money.
I can’t fault the guy for wanting to help out his brother. But I can fault him for two things: 1. Using YOUR debit card without your consent–seriously consider cancelling that card and requesting a new one; and 2. putting his brother’s wants/needs before his responsibility to you and the kids.
Your fiance is an AH and a thief. He has *no* right to do this with your hard-earned money. Especially when he goes behind your back and doesn’t discuss it with you. That’s *stealing.*
Chris and his gf sound like lazy leeches. They should get off their asses and find work, even if it means moving to another state. Your fiance should not be enabling them to sit on their butts with “nothing to do.”
In your place I would dump Heath and file charges against him. I’d also tally up how much money he’s taken from you and file in small claims court to get it back.
Do you realize that you are being financially abused?
Your fiancé is enabling his brother’s bad behavior. He is NOT helping his brother, he is teaching him that being fiscally irresponsible is OK.
You need to have a hard conversation with your fiancé about money and his codependent relationship with his brother.
Both of you should go to couples counseling, your fiancé also needs to go on his own to learn that his behavior regarding his brother needs to change immediately.
Your fiance needs to put his family first now.
That means his immediate family btw which does not include his older brother btw.
Oh, he doesn’t realize his brother is no longer his immediate family now that he’s started one with you?
Well, it’s time to educate him.
Nta btw.
It’s amazing how generous people can be with someone else’s money.
If he wants to fund his brother’s poor life choices, he can do it with his own money.
If you go through with the marriage, I’d recommend keeping your finances separate.
Your fiance’s brother is using him. I wouldn’t give the debit card back to your fiance until he can agree to not send his brother anymore money.