NTA. You really should tell your family the bio dad has died. I completely get the ‘her story to tell’, but five years in, they should know. No big story, leave it at that. They don’t need to know such details as she was there and witnessed it, your mother will mercilessly hound her about it I suspect.

It’s simply a fact. Alex’s father is dead. It is a relevant detail of your lives. It will of course stop your mothers crappy comments – at least on that score.

Have a sit down with your parents, maybe include your sister. Do not apologize for kicking your mother out. Tell them about the dad, and explain to your mother what a complete jerk she’s always been to Tanya and you are officially done with it. If she wants to be in your lives anymore, she has to change.

If she chooses not to, she’s making that choice freely, and she will face the consequences.

ETA. Withholding the information that the father has died while it’s a personal detail it does almost seem strangely withholding . I don’t mean that maliciously what I mean is it’s natural for them to wonder if shes getting child support or could in the future, will Alex soon start asking where his father is, is Tanya withholding Alex from the father, will you guys someday have to share visitation after being taken to court, or fear that the father will take custody etc.

they may be naturally wondering all these things…. they just need to know. it’s a normal situation they should know this basic fact of your life. You withholding is part of the hinkiness to her most likely. Fair? No, natural YEA Does not in any way excuse crappiness but you are their son, they want to know what’s going on. You must know that’s reasonable

NTA You’ve set a hard boundary with your mother now and she’s throwing a tantrum. It’s good that you’ve done this now instead of letting her continue to behave badly towards Tonya in the years to come when you’re married. A man should be the buffer between his mother and gf/fiance/wife and set the boundaries when and where they’re needed. Your mother will likely make it difficult, but stick to this demand for respect and civil behavior from her. Yes, Tonya was a young mother, but that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. In fact I have a lot of respect for Tonya for waiting as long as she did before introducing you to her child. To me that means that child is more important to her than anything else and she’s was protecting him from possible heartache or weirdos.

ESH – and I speak as a man raised by a mother and stepfather after my father died when I was 6. While your mother was out of line, she should have been told that Alex’s father was no longer in the picture, and why! I appreciate that it is painful and traumatic for your partner to talk about, this needs to be a part of the truth about your place in Alex’s life. You are going to be the father figure to this child, the only father figure he has! In that, there needs to be truth about his heritage, not just to pander to your mother, but to make sure that Alex knows his place in the world. Never make someone’s heritage a secret. Discuss it openly and honestly, as much as you can.

Does your mother know about Alex’s dad yet?

NTA for kicking her out, but in five years you’ve never told her why Alex’s father is not present or paying support? It’s like you’re setting your mom up to question that. If my son dated a woman with a kid, I’d definitely ask about the father. Yet you didn’t do as much as say, “There was a tragedy and she can’t talk about it.” Instead for five years you let mom think there’s a mystery dad floating around.

Yes, mom was rude and should have been thrown out. But you never answered her perfectly reasonable question about a woman you dated for 5 years. You could have ended this years ago but you didn’t and now have unnecessary drama. So YTA for that.

NTA

Your mom had 5 years to smarten up and stop being a snarky b- but rather than work on building a relationship with her future daughter in law (and grandson), she decided she would rather play the wronged party.

Shes not. Your fiancee and your stepson deserve better then this so kudos for standing up to her.

I think a serious heart-to-heart with just you and your kom is a necessity so you can tell her exactly how ridiculous and disrespectful she has been. From that chat, make you decision on if you will be letting her attend the wedding.

Oh, and congrats on your engagement!

NTA but I actually understand her reservations. Sucks that she had to say something like that though. In her head she is probably hoping her comments will chase your fiancé away, and that she is just protecting you. You need to sit down with both your parents and just explain that if they want to be a part of your life and eventually with their grandkids lives, then they need to accept your fiancé. If not, then you have to cut contact. Your mom will come around but you have to draw a hard line in the sand. Good luck.

You are definitively NTA. Words have meaning. Actions have consequence. She said something horrible and deserves the most simple consequence of being asked to leave.

What a disgusting thing for her to have done.

Edit: you didn’t even kick her out! You gave her an opportunity to reframe her thoughts and she left! You are so not in the wrong here OP.

Congrats on the engagement!

NTA, You stuck up for your family, its 2020 people need to get our of the all single teen moms need to trap a guy. Your mother acted disrespectful towards you and your SO and child, I would of done the same thing.

Let her tell who she wants and if the rest of your family is happy for your mother to speak whatever way she wants your family then, cut them out too.

NTA

I’m sorry. That sounds terrible. Your mom was way out of line, no matter what her motivations were or what knowledge she had regarding your fiance.

Congrats on your engagement. It sounds like you and Tanya will have some big challenges ahead of you.

One observation moving forward: protect Alex at all costs, especially with regard to your mother.

NTA.

When there’s a choice of standing up TO family or FOR family, we should always go to be on the side of the wronged one, particularly when they’re also the one most in need of support.

Sounds like Tanya & Alex are lucky.

NTA. You gave her many chances to clean up her behavior. If your mom still has the audacity to behave so poorly, she deserves to be told off. You would have been TA if you didn’t stand up for your future wife and son.

NTA. Your mom is being super awkward and doesn’t even have the social skills to just ask about the birth father. Please follow up when she finds out he passed away and she’s been making an ass of herself for years.

NTA – stand up for your fiancée and your kid. Your mum sounds really disrespectful and rude, and neither you, Tanya, or Alex should have to put up with that shit.

NTA, she doesn’t get to say disrespectful shit to your fiancé and act like the victim. Good for doing what was needed.

If this is not a troll, why in the world would you and Tanya never have told this information to your mom?

NTA do not let your mum come to the wedding unless she apologises and learns to respect your fiancée