The OP states that he dislikes the food at this single restaurant and has felt resentful for years, especially when celebrating special occasions like birthdays there. After past conflicts where his parents insisted he appreciate the ability to eat out together, the OP recently told them he no longer wanted a special birthday dinner because he hates the food. This led to his parents becoming angry after family members skipped a planned birthday dinner that the OP refused to attend, leaving the OP to question if he was wrong for his stance.
For years my mom and stepdad have only eaten out or gotten takeout from one place because of my stepsiblings allergies. Both have an allergy to peanuts and other kinds of nuts. My stepbrother (11) has a dairy allergy and my stepsister (12) has a seafood/shellfish allergy.
Their allergies were diagnosed around the time my mom met my stepdad.
When we all moved in together it became an allergen free zone. I (16m) was 7 at the time. It didn’t bother me too much until I realized how strict they’d be about it. Even though my stepbrother could be around dairy I wasn’t allowed ice cream or any chocolate that had milk in it.
I couldn’t eat pizza either because of the cheese.
Then my parents found a restaurant that had no nuts or shellfish or dairy and they decided we’d never eat or order takeout from anywhere else. It’s kinda vegan but not strictly vegan I don’t think.
I don’t like their food. It all tastes weird to me. They don’t even have regular fries on the menu. It’s either another vegetable used as fries or sweet potatoes which I hate. I hate eating out or ordering takeout because of it and for years we’ve celebrated all our birthdays there with family.
I found other nut free restaurants that had allergy safe menu’s but my parents wouldn’t even look at the menu. They said we had our restaurant and we didn’t need another one. Whenever I asked if we could order from different places for my birthday they’d say no.
They said we always get takeout from there and that’s where we’ll always get our food. A few times they said it’s too much work to try out new places when we have it easy with “our choice”.
My special birthday dinner never feels special because I can’t eat anything I like. For a few birthdays I was grumpy and withdrawn when we’d eat there and my mom would tell me to change my attitude and appreciate what I have and the family that I get a special dinner for my birthday.
That not all families could afford to eat out for their birthdays every year.
Last year when I turned 15 I got into a fight with my mom when I told her my birthday dinner should be something I like and I didn’t want to eat that nasty food anymore. Mom said that was such a disrespectful thing to say and what about my stepsiblings, what are they supposed to do if we go somewhere else.
I said other than nuts they can be around dairy or shellfish and they’re around all that stuff out in the wild. So why do I have to be punished because of their allergies. My stepdad told me to watch how I spoke because it would hurt my stepsiblings feelings and his, because he’d like to think us being a family and able to eat together was enough.
When we got to the restaurant I was miserable and they kept correcting me for looking angrier than usual. After that I swore I wouldn’t do it anymore so a couple of months ago, before my birthday last week, I told them I didn’t want a special dinner or meal with the family and I was done with eating as a family for my birthdays and for anything else like my graduation.
I told them it’s not special for me and I hate it and I don’t like the food and I’d rather ignore my birthday than that. They tried to plan a birthday dinner anyway but nobody showed since the rest of the family knew how I felt.
My parents are angry that I’m “being this way” and my mom tried to make it about the step thing when this would be annoying even if it was just me and her. Who wants to eat shit they don’t like on their birthday?
Like seriously. AITA?
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP’s need for personal acknowledgment and enjoyment during celebrations versus his parents’ strong desire to maintain rigid safety protocols and the appearance of family unity through shared, restricted dining experiences. The OP feels his genuine displeasure with the food is being dismissed as disrespect, leading him to actively reject the tradition entirely.
The central question is whether the OP was justified in refusing the mandated birthday dinner, thereby potentially causing family friction, or if his obligation to accommodate the established household dynamic outweighed his desire for a personally enjoyable meal. Should the parents prioritize rigid conformity, or should they adapt traditions to allow for individual preferences, especially on special occasions?
Here’s how people reacted:
A meal isn’t “special” just because someone else cooks it. Food is special because of the impact it has – it’s your favorite, it brings up a distant happy memory, it was made with care and love specifically for you, it’s a new or unique experience, etc. For example, unless steak is one of a person’s favorite foods, a dinner at Outback would not be a special meal, it wouldn’t be a good choice for a birthday celebration. And a shitty meal, when surrounded by friends and loved ones, is still shitty food.
“Change your attitude” isn’t a healthy comment to make to a kid. It’s perfectly valid to tell a kid to be polite or nice, or reprimand disprespectful behavior. But telling a child who is angry or unhappy that they need to “fix it” in reality is saying “I’m an adult and my emotions are valid, you’re just a child and yours are not”. That’s shitty parenting. The end of that path is kids who grow into adulthood without the skills to regulate and deal with their emotions in healthy ways.
My advice is to keep the peace while still holding your position. Remember, you’ve still got a couple of years of living under their roof, and possibly time beyond that where you’re dependent on them. You can have a differing viewpoint and remain civil and respectful – in situations like this, it’s absolutely paramount. When they have special meals at this shitty restaurant for other family members, you need to go, you don’t know the level of special (or not) that this event is for the others, so go be a member of your family. I’m not saying ooh and ahh and fake enjoying the food, but be there for the right reason – not the dinner. A shitty meal or two won’t kill you. When it’s time for your birthday or whatever, don’t go there. Seek other options that have been posted by other folks on here. Request your mom cook something that she makes that you do like, which still fits the dietary requirement of the whole family. You can have a special family meal together at your own house, paying someone else to prepare food doesn’t make it more special and birthday-worthy.
You’ll be a grown-ass adult in 2 years. Do what you want.
She doesn’t want to hurt you, she just doesn’t see that she is because she is too focused on them. Even though you hate the place you go, the fact that they still do the dinner means she does think about you. Might I suggest that instead of a birthday dinner you suggest a completely different activity. You are more than old enough to go spend your birthday dinner with your friends and go anywhere you want. And maybe with your family go to the movies or mini golf, something that doesn’t involve food. ……
Just don’t forget. If you do go somewhere to eat with your friend that has nuts (if that allergy is severe) take a change of clothes and shower before you come home. I know you don’t want to hurt them either, you just want to feel like you matter and that she cares for you the same way. ……..
As an adult, it’s taken me years and therapy to get comfortable with setting boundaries with my mother. She has a similar behavior of gaslighting and manipulation tactics. I’ve been much firmer with my boundaries and have entered month long periods of no contact. She’s been much more respectful since.
Good luck, OP! You deserve much better than this ‘family’!
OP tried to offer other options, but they refused to even look at them. So, now they have to deal with the consequences. And will someday wonder why OP is not inviting them to anything or keeps contact with them at all.
Updateme, if there is something to update.
Tell them flat out you are done catering to your step siblings with everything but the nut allergy. From now on you will eat what you like, with your own money. And that if they persist in this you can promise that as soon as you turn 18 you will never spend another birthday, holiday, vacation or special event with them. You are never going to that restaurant again, and if they attempt to force you you will simply just not eat or you will bring your own food.
It’s imperative that you get your own job for this to work though. Even a part time job will keep you supplied with chocolate. Also saving for moving out.
NTA
But she basically put aside you, everything you ever wanted or asked for that didnt fit into the new family she chose for you. And told you you were selfish if you weren’t okay with it. Your own mother hasn’t celebrated you, actually celebrated you. And not her blended family. In almost 10 years.
I would be going extremely low contact as soon as i became self reliant tbh. This cannot be the only example of the ways your wants and needs were put second to your stepsiblings and your stepfathers.
You are a person too. I think your mom forgot that. She has three kids. But she only bothered to show two of them how special they were to her.
My partner has a cinnamon allergy, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are completely barred from eating anything with cinnamon in it. If we go out, we ask if something has it in it or we’ll trade food if we notice that it’s in something. They’re fearmongering and lazy, IMO
It’s not that freaking hard!!!
Holy crap, r/Horrathorne. NTA.
And I’m sorry your “family” sucks. Huge hugs from this Momma Bear.
So if it were your choice, if it were totally up to you, would you rather have dinner with your family at a place you don’t like, or dinner alone, eating something nice while the rest of your family is somewhere else?
Cause I’ll be honest, one of those options kinda makes you an asshole.
Its actually kinda mean they won’t even look at another restaurant when you did the leg work of looking into the menu to make sure it’s inclusive. Sorta makes it seem like you’re not worth the small amount of trouble to open a menu to them.
I also get that birthday dinners are a privilege some kids don’t get but to me its not about the dinner itself but the fact they are not making an effort literally at all and getting mad at you for it.
You’re definitely NTA for wanting your birthday to at least include something you like. It makes me angry that they expect you to just put on a fake smile on your birthday. Those aren’t good parents, sorry.
You’re at the age that you can choose where you want to live. Does your dads side have anyone that would take you in? That could be a possibility.
NTA, OP. You should be celebrated on your birthday. Do they expect those outside your immediate family to only eat at that one restaurant to accommodate the step kids? If not, then why can’t they afford you the same grace, at the very least on your birthday?
Seriously, though, your mom is so in the wrong on this. She is ruining your relationship with her and the rest of the “family” because she is breeding resentment. It’s like a festering wound that will leave a permanent scar.
Are there other relatives that would take you out to the restaurant of your choice?
Nta for sure.
How do these children function at school? Some students must have milk and cheese!
I agree with other comments it’s complete laziness on their part. There are other restaurants that are vegan or nut free.
I’m glad other relatives are not bowing down to them.
These “parents” will be the kind that just can’t figure out why you cutthem off as soon as you can
OP .. you’re NTA . Happy birthday little man .. with every year that passes you get closer to that time you’ll be out of the nest. 😘🎂🥳🎈
Tell her that she’s clearly prioritizing them over you. That you might be fine with it for 354 days, you’d like your birthday to be the one day your wishes are respected.
Happy 15th mate! If you have an allowance or a job, make sure you save and splurge on yourself!
I can understand there needing to be restrictions at home due to allergies.
But if I were your mom I’d take you out one-on-one for your birthday and treat you to whatever the hell you wanted. Your birthday is YOUR day.
Not all celebrations have to be about “the whole” family.
They are being rude also y not try something u like? Since its your bday its for u so makes sense there suckybfor not just letting u get waever you like and have your step siblings get whatvever they need to get!
i withhold judgment until we hear that