Into this delicate balance steps her mother’s husband, whose intention to be close is met with guarded resistance. His relentless pursuit to break down her walls ignites a storm of emotions, deepening her sense of being overwhelmed and misunderstood. The breach of her privacy, through the invasion of her therapy sessions, shatters the fragile trust even further, unraveling the family’s fragile threads and exposing the raw wounds beneath.
I have a 14-year-old daughter. Her biological father passed away when she was four, and her uncle served as her father figure for the next six years until he also passed away from cancer.
Due to these losses, she struggles with abandonment and trust issues, opening up only to very close individuals.
When she met my husband, she was polite but did not immediately accept him as a father figure. My husband, however, persistently tried to get closer to her and make her open up. This pressure negatively affected her mental health because she felt he was forcing a relationship.
I asked him repeatedly to give her space, believing she would warm up in her own time.
He did not stop, treating it like a challenge, which caused significant marital issues. About three months ago, I discovered he had secretly accessed her therapy records. We had a major fight; I emphasized he was not her father and had no right to intrude.
He apologized deeply but stated he would stop trying to be her father because he felt he never could be one.
Since then, he stopped all previous efforts, like bringing gifts or playing video games with her. When I questioned this, he stated that neither of us was entitled to his gifts or his free time.
Last week, my daughter fell down the stairs and severely hurt her ankle. She was in severe pain. I called my husband and asked him to take her to the hospital. His response was that since he was not her dad, he did not have to do anything for her, and then he hung up, knowing I cannot drive due to medical reasons and cannot afford an ambulance.
I called my mother-in-law (MiL), who came and took us to the hospital. She must have confronted my husband because he showed up later, looking worried and acting concerned. I yelled at him, demanding he leave, stating he had no right to appear worried after abandoning us in a dire situation.
He argued, then started crying, swearing on his mother’s life that my daughter is the light of his life, and that he only refused help because he was upset with us. He begged to stay, but I insisted he leave.
His mother remained silent initially but later told me her son did not mean to ignore us and truly loves my daughter. I told her this attitude is unacceptable, questioning what would happen if I needed him for something more serious and he decided to ignore us out of hurt.
I left and stayed with a friend, bringing my daughter. He has since tried sending flowers and new electronics, but all items have been returned. He is constantly texting and calling, urging me to let the hospital incident go and stating I have punished him enough by making him leave.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a deeply strained marital situation, caught between protecting her daughter’s fragile emotional state and managing her husband’s intense, yet inconsistent, desire to form a parental bond. The central conflict arose from the husband’s persistent attempts to force closeness, which violated the daughter’s need for space, escalating to a severe breach of trust when he snooped on her therapy. This reached a crisis point when the husband deliberately withheld emergency medical assistance due to feeling unappreciated, revealing a pattern where his emotional needs supersede his duty of care.
Given the husband’s pattern of emotional volatility—shifting from overbearing pursuit to complete abandonment based on personal hurt—should the OP remain separated to prioritize her daughter’s safety and trust, or is there a path back if the husband proves genuine remorse for refusing emergency aid, even if his underlying motivation for past actions was flawed?
Here’s how people reacted:
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>he said no one is entitled to a gift or his free time
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>his response was that since he is not her dad then he didn’t have to do anything for her then hung up on me knowing I can’t drive for medical reasons amd I can’t afford an ambulance.
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>His mom didn’t say anything at first but then told me that her son didn’t mean to ignore us
***But he DID mean to ignore you***.
He was punishing your daughter for not giving him the love he felt entitled to and punishing you for not trying to force her to make a bond with him.
He’s angry because your daughter, who is younger and more vulnerable and has made her boundaries clear, isn’t doing what he wants her to do on his terms and not letting him trample over her boundaries.
He’s angry because you refuse to be an enabler to this kind of unhealthy behavior.
Had this been a more life-threatening situation, he absolutely would have left you both for death in this instance.
The only reason he’s sending gifts, lovebombing, and apologizing now isn’t because he’s actually sorry for hurting you both. He’s just sorry that he got caught being a bully and ratted himself out to mommy.
NTA, and you need to seriously consider this a make or break moment in your marriage. Not just for your sake, but for your daughter’s.
Hopefully this is a lesson to you and the people you bring into your daughters life.
I am not a fan of introducing significant others to children quickly. Please protect your daughter and put her above everything else in your life.
If everything you are saying here is true and you are exposing your daughter to this manipulation and abuse (with holding care because a child isn’t reciprocating love) then you need to rethink your priorities.
This guy is seriously confused as to his ethics and his emotional maturity level is incredibly low. Take your time and figure out if this guy can actually come back from this. I personally think that someone that abandons you and your child in a time of crisis shouldn’t be given many more chances but you have to live the way you want. Just consider whether if you do take him back that this will be an act he resents you or your daughter for.
NTA.
I don’t care how pissed off my husband was at me. If he used either of my kids health to prove a point I’d leave him so fast there’d be dust clouds in my shape behind. He feels the same.
As a parent- if this isn’t a dealbreaker I don’t know what is. He has been manipulating your daughter for God knows how long and listening into her therapy, for God’s sake. He is using your daughter to get what he wants. At the minimum, you need to get yourself and your daughter the hell away from him until he sorts his shit out.
He seems very petty and childish. You asked him to stop forcing a relationship with your daughter and he continued. He eavesdropped on your daughters therapy. Why did you allow him to cross you and your daughters boundaries with no consequences? Does he expect your daughter to even want a relationship with him after this?Because that ship has sailed once he chose his insecurities over your daughters well-being.
Maybe if you took a kinder approach, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe you could have sat them both down to talk and air out everyone’s feelings and proceeded from there.
YTA.
Hear me out tho, I can kinda see where he’s coming from with the withholding of gifts and those things and not wanting to put himself out there, but if he truly cared about her, he would have stopped at nothing to rush home and be there for her, hurt feelings and all.
NTA. Don’t put up with this.
You’re not the A H, but I sense that there’s still a lot of love and feelings left within your marriage which is why I vote for therapy (couple and family to include your daughter).
I think we’re pretty much done here?
NTA
Read this every night for a week. Then ask yourself who is the asshole.