Yet beneath the surface, tension stirs—a clash of values and fears between family members, threatening to overshadow the pure intentions of love and support. In this delicate balance, the grandmother stands firm, determined to protect the innocence and happiness of the children, even as accusations and misunderstandings threaten to fracture the bonds she holds dear.
I have two grandchildren. One is seven and the other is five. The seven year old is the child of my daughter and I do have more access to her, but despite what my son’s girlfriend accuses me of, i do not have a favorite.
The seven year old does beauty pageants. They are completely her choice, but she saw pictures from her mother and I doing them and begged to be in them. She also rides horses. Combined this is very expensive and I pay for it all.
I’ve offered and I am happy to do so.
My son’s girlfriend is morally opposed to pageants and afraid of horses. Her daughter has asked to do what her cousin does but isn’t allowed to. She does tee ball and music lessons, which I also pay for but they are significantly cheaper than what the seven year old does.
The other day my son’s girlfriend brought up this “favoritism” I said it isn’t favoritism, because I pay for two activities for both of them. She said it is going to give her daughter a “complex” so I need to even the money off and put the rest in a savings account.
My husband and I laughed because that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, and she stormed out of the house. My son actually said I should post this because he is conflicted (afraid of her).
Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The grandparent is facing accusations of favoritism due to the significant financial support provided for one grandchild’s expensive extracurricular activities, which conflicts directly with the standards set by the other grandchild’s mother.
Is the grandparent responsible for matching the monetary value of activities for both grandchildren, or does their willingness to support the interests of each child independently justify their current financial contributions, regardless of the cost difference?
Here’s how people reacted:
My mom does this exact thing. My nieces by my sister were spoiled and given everything my sister could not provide. Now that I have a daughter, I thought it was be the same. It is not, but I know she loves her as much. She cares for her in the mornings (like she used to sit for my youngest niece). She said that since my daughter has parents who are well educated and have great jobs, we can just pay for it ourselves. I’m like a little annoyed.
When I was little, my grandmother got me a bag of stuff from her bathroom. I could tell, one item was face cream. I thought she hated me since she got dolls for my cousins. When I became an adult, I shared my feelings and my mom. She said she told her mother not to get me anything since she knew my grandmother had no money. Also I only saw her once a year, my other grandmother on my dad side did not like me as well.
Honestly none of the girls know how much value are their activities. It’s more of the gf problem. She shouldn’t be keep score. My daughter gets as much physical attention like hugs and kisses from my mom as she gives to my nieces.
That said, I would absolutely not hand over any loose cash to the daughter-in-law. At that point, you lose any and all accountability for how that money is spent.
One possible option, depending on your means, is to start college funds for both of the grandkids (if you haven’t already), and then if you spend more on one over the course of the year, you can stick a bit extra in the college fund of the other. It doesn’t need to be exactly equal, just enough that shows you acknowledge there is an imbalance there.
You for the last sentence where your son being “conflicted” was equated to him being “afraid of his gf”. Your son is an adult. Please hold him solely responsible for his own mind and choices. Unfortunately this one tit bit shows that you do hold animosity towards his gf (who may be insufferable but you should only hold her accountable for HER words and actions), not the son that you raised.
Your son because he should not be “conflicted” and be asking you to post this here. That other granddaughter of yours is his daughter too….not just his gf’s. If his daughter wishes to take up these activities, and he wants to support her, he needs to talk to his gf about it. If they have mutually decided to keep her away from them, he decided with his gf the activities she should take up (budget known). You don’t have to pay for anyone, but you covered that too.
The gf for obvious reasons of entitlement.
If the adults in this family don’t sort themselves out, the two cousins will pick up on this and will grow apart or to even resent each other, feel neglected/entitled, and have superiority/inferiority complexes. Sort your selves out please. You all sound petty.
She handled the situation poorly. It is your money to spend with how you choose. I suggest you recognize what kind of relationship you want to have and consider the feelings of everyone involved including the youngest ones because they will know and remember this for sure. Kids are smarter than many people realize. Laughing at the idea of asking for fairness, whether perceived fairness or reality fairness seems harsh (is this why she left?) ESH.
Edit clarification and spelling.
Another edit: when your five year old grandchild brings this up later in life, sons girlfriend will state her version of the story, and her suggestion of what she thought was fair. I dread the day my children realize how much money their cousins received compared to them.
But it does really sound like you could support the younger GD by more means than ‘its fair because it is two activities.’ I have never felt like my grandmother has liked me in comparison to her other grandchildren because she spent so much less time and money on me. Don’t punish the GD because you don’t like the DIL.
The entitled GF is right. You should put the money you DON”T spend on the younger one away for the future.
And yes, pageants are morally reprehensible at that age. The GF is right.
> She said it is going to give her daughter a “complex” so I need to even the money off and put the rest in a savings account.
Her daughter does not understand that the activities she is participating in cost significantly less than her cousin’s activities.
I would say maybe you shouldn’t stick to “two activities for both of them” being what makes it equal. If the granddaughter with the cheaper activities wanted to pick up a third activity, would you pay for that?
It is very generous of you to pay for your grandchildren’s activities. Paying for the same numbers of activities is fair. It is not your decision which activities the kids are participating in. And the child who is in less expensive activities will only get a complex if her parents tell her about the $$ discrepancy; otherwise, she’ll never know that her cousin’s things cost more.
I wonder how a 5yo could develop a “complex” when they barely understand what money is anyway. I will refrain from comment on what I think about the son’s gf.