In this quiet battle, the woman’s resilience is tested not by grand confrontations, but by the small, cutting moments that chip away at her spirit. The invisible chores, the sideways glances, and the cruel “jokes” serve as daily reminders of her place in the family hierarchy. Yet, amidst the pain and isolation, she clings to hope—for recognition, for fairness, and for a love that doesn’t come with conditions.
So, I (F, 28) have been married to my husband (M, 31) for almost 4 years, and we have two young kids. Every year, we spend Christmas Eve with his family, and honestly, I’ve always dreaded it.
The main reason is my mother-in-law (MIL).
She’s always been kind of a difficult person, but over the years, it’s gotten worse. From the moment I met her, I felt like she saw me as someone “beneath” her. I’ve tried to be polite, tried to get along, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with.
She’s not outright *mean*, but it’s the little things that add up. For example, when we’re over at her house, she’s always giving me things to do, like getting drinks, cleaning up….
And if I say like, “Oh, I’m actually just sitting down for a minute,” she’ll look at me like I’m the most lazy person on earth. It’s not like I *mind* helping out, but it’s always *me* that’s expected to do it.
My husband doesn’t get the same treatment.
And the worst part? The “jokes.” Oh my god. She has this way of making comments that sound like a joke, but they really hurt. Like, she’ll say things like, “I hope you’re not too tired to cook tonight, dear.
It’s a lot of work, I know, but you’re young, so you should be fine,” or “You should really eat less of that, you don’t want to end up as big as my son’s ex.” Or, my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, dear, I’m sure you’ll get better at handling the kids.
It takes a real woman to do it properly.”
It sounds like nothing, right? But after years of hearing stuff like this, it starts to wear on you. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about it before, and he always brushes it off. He says “that’s just how she is” and “she’s not trying to hurt your feelings.” I get it, I do, but I’ve *had* enough of it.
It’s like he doesn’t even see it, or worse, doesn’t care.
So, when we started talking about Christmas Eve plans this year, I flat-out told him I didn’t want to go. I said I was tired of being treated like crap every time we go to her house, and that I didn’t want to put myself through it again.
I told him we could stay home, do our own thing, and just enjoy Christmas as a family. I thought it would be fine, but no. He got *so* mad. He said I was being selfish and ruining *his* Christmas.
He told me I was making him choose between me and his mom, and that I should just “suck it up” for one night because it’s tradition.
I tried to explain that I shouldn’t have to suck it up, that I’ve put up with it for years, but he wasn’t hearing it. He said I was making everything harder than it had to be, and now, he’s barely talking to me.
I feel like I’ve ruined the holiday for him, and that wasn’t my intention at all. I just want to feel respected.
So, now I’m stuck feeling guilty but also standing by what I said. I don’t think I should be expected to tolerate being treated like this, but I also don’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone else.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant emotional distress due to years of subtle but persistent mistreatment, including being assigned domestic labor and receiving demeaning comments from her mother-in-law. Her decision to refuse attendance at the traditional Christmas Eve gathering stems from a need for self-respect and boundary enforcement after her concerns were dismissed by her husband. The central conflict revolves around the OP’s boundary versus her husband’s expectation that she must endure uncomfortable traditions for the sake of his family’s expectations and holiday peace.
Is the original poster justified in prioritizing her mental well-being and demanding respect by refusing to attend a mandatory family function where she is consistently undermined, or is her action unfairly punishing her husband and disrupting necessary family traditions?
Here’s how people reacted:
Make it clear you will not tolerate being punished by him for not letting yourself be abused. That your sick of her crap and your sick of him expecting you to just be miserable and accept it. That from now on you will never go spend Christmas with her again. That youve never once asked nor expected him to chose between you but this whole time he’s been sure as hell showing you he already chose himself and that she will always come before you. That he will always continue to enable her abusing you. That your done and from now on whenever he goes to his parents you sure as heck won’t and neither will your child. As your positive she will be talking crap about you infront if your son. That your also know that if your not there he will probably be egging her one and talk crap about you as well. That you will never ask him to choose but that doesn’t mean you will have a relationship with her yourself. That your perfectly fine to have Christmas with your child without his sulking ass but he better take heed as him Enabling her to treat you like crap and expecting you to keep going so she can is him treating you worse than she is. That if things don’t change then what happens will be on his head.
Also, remind his mother that her son should help clean too if you end up going.
My boyfriend lets me stay home if I don’t feel like going. He stands up for me too. And I do the same too. If we didn’t do this, we wouldn’t work out because lack of respect for your s. o. kills the relationship, trust and intimacy.
There is third options go for Christmas eve, every time she says anything to you, just smile agree with her, she will have to ramp up if you just smile and agree, that how I broke one these people. I was just smiling and polite and when she said I couldnt do anything , I just smiles and said You are right, could please show me how it done.
In the end of the evening the person had full blown tantrum, throwing things and I was just polite.
Personally if I had to be around her, I would take an approach cheerily calling it out — like, “did you mean to say that out loud” and “wow you really need a lot of help from me today, huh?”
People who like to passive aggressively control a situation like that just fall apart if it’s politely (but a little passive aggressively) acknowledged. Match that energy with a smile!
You being disrespected has become part of the tradition he is protecting. He should have stopped his mom the first time. The sad truth is, he’s ok with her disrespecting you because she enjoys it. And his mother’s feeling are more important than yours to him.
He has this opportunity to show you he respects you and will protect you from being belittled, degraded, and disrespected, even if it’s protecting you from his mother. He is also teach your children it is ok for family to treat you like this.
Ask him if he is married to you or his mother. Ask him, if catering to his mother is more important than your marriage and family.
And finally ask yourself if you are are truly happy with him. This man doesn’t sound like he cares for any woman besides his mother. If you are not happy, remember you are a role model for your children. Don’t teach them to be miserable.
I’m sure you’ll get better with the whole manners thing.
It takes a real woman to deal with your constant belittling.
I’m going to bring (ex) a serving of (food) later. I’ll be sure to tell her you’re thinking of her.
And repeat.
NTA
If he really respects you and cares for you even a little bit, he should not make this about his Christmas, but about yours
So he’s been perfectly happy to let your holiday be ruined for multiple years and he can’t give you a break for just one? He’s the problem.