These dietary restrictions severely limit where the family can eat out, often forcing them to choose from a very small selection of fast-food places, even for the OP’s celebrations. When the OP planned his recent birthday dinner at a restaurant of his choice, his father insisted that Kathleen and Benjamin be invited. The OP agreed only if they could eat at the chosen location, which they refused, demanding the entire party travel out of state to accommodate their preferences, leading the OP to stand his ground and question if he is in the wrong.
My dad got married to Kathleen when I (22m) was 15. Kathleen has two kids. A daughter I never met. I think she’s in her late 20s or early 30s. And then she has a son Benjamin (18m).
Benjamin is allergic to peanuts and shellfish and him and Kathleen are very picky eaters. His diet when I lived there consisted of pizza, fries and burgers and beef and cheese tacos.
He didn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He didn’t eat any meat except for beef. He’d eat chocolate and ice cream and stuff though. And he was SO bad at checking labels and he had a few allergic reactions while we lived together.
One time he had to be rushed to the hospital and spent a week in because he had such a bad reaction.
Kathleen’s super picky too. I can’t remember all the stuff she wouldn’t eat but it included any kind of fish, any kind of potato, rice, pasta, bread and stuff like that.
This left us in a really weird position when my dad wanted to order takeout or take us out to eat. We had a couple of fast food places where Kathleen ordered salad and Benjamin ordered pizza and burgers usually.
The food was never great but could’ve been worse. I think the part that sucked was every time we ordered out for my birthday or went out for my birthday it was one of the two places we had.
Even a Taco place was out unless they’d remove all veggies and extras except for the meat and cheese. And some places still put “gross shit” to quote Benjamin on them when they did seemingly comply.
Anytime still they want to do a family meal out they expect us all to go to their chosen fast food places that work for Benjamin and Kathleen and I’m tired of dealing with them (they’re insufferable about how others eat too) so I never go.
A few weeks ago I had a birthday dinner with my girlfriend and some family and friends. Dad wanted to come and he expected Kathleen and Benjamin to be invited too. I told him that was okay if they’d eat where I had chosen.
I got an email from Kathleen and calls from dad where I was told my restaurant of choice did not meet the needs and requirements of Benjamin and Kathleen and would me and the rest of the guests travel out of state for a dinner for my birthday so we could go to one of Benjamin and Kathleen’s choices.
My answer was no and I told dad he could still come but I was not changing where I have MY birthday dinner. Kathleen sent another email asking why I was being so hostile like her daughter and I should care about my family’s health and interests.
Dad and Kathleen were more upset to learn some of dad’s side flew out to join us for dinner when they typically won’t accept plans from them to eat out. So now I’m facing more of their anger for my choice of restaurant.
AITA?
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s desire to celebrate his birthday on his own terms versus the strong expectations and perceived needs of his stepmother and stepbrother regarding food accommodations. The OP feels frustrated by years of having his celebrations dictated by others’ extreme dietary limitations and reacted by drawing a firm boundary for his own special occasion, resulting in conflict with his father and Kathleen.
The core question for debate is whether the OP was justified in refusing to change his birthday dinner plans to accommodate his stepfamily, given their inflexible demands, or if the expectation to include them superseded his right to choose the venue for his own celebration.
Here’s how people reacted:
Youre the asshole because you had a once in a lifetime opportunity to gaslight an entire family into a birthday psychological warfare simulator and you blew it by thinking manners would outmuscle destiny while God stood there screaming “GET HER” and pelting you with raw courgettes
What a fucking Michelin star disaster buffet of nonsense
Kathleen is what happens when *quinoa gets a Pinterest account and decides to raise a son exclusively on melted crayons and beef flavoured printer ink*. Her dietary preferences sound like someone asked an AI to simulate what food might be if sadness had a texture. No potatoes no pasta no bread no fish. That’s not a dietary restriction that’s a biblical plague
And Benjamin. Benjamin. BENJAMIN. This twitchy Victorian phlegm child with the digestive system of a cursed fax machine from 1987. Can’t eat fruit. Can’t eat vegetables. Allergic to anything that once knew how to swim or grew from dirt. Eats exclusively beige food and unmedicated rage. The man snacks like a haunted rocking horse that’s never known love or seasoning
Now OP you had the golden chance to turn this dinner into a civil war of culinary proportions and instead you just picked a normal restaurant. That’s where you fucked it. You had the entire menu of chaos at your disposal and you didn’t go full nuclear. You could’ve booked a Mongolian raw seafood buffet that only takes payment in Russian roubles . You could’ve hired a one armed albanian pissdwarf to do table service while screaming “shellfish lives matter” into Kathleen’s traumatised chakras
Instead you booked something slightly inconvenient and expected decency. Rookie mistake. You were juggling fireworks in a petting zoo and thought nothing would explode
Let’s be real the only reason Kathleen’s even involved is because she’s auditioning for a live action remake of “My Son Can’t Poop Without Chicken Nuggets – The Tragedy of American Parenting”
And her email calling you hostile is pure golden retriever level irony because this woman sounds like she once called 999 because someone put coriander near her aura
*But you missed the chance to go full chaotic evil. That’s why you’re the asshole*
You should’ve hired a coach load of angry dieticians. Booked a raw vegan restaurant where the waiters slap the menu out of your hand if you ask about butter. Set the kids menu on fire and served Kathleen a plate of ethically sourced air seasoned with the farts of a russet potato farmer she had banned on Facebook in 2014
Instead you played it safe
And now here we are
Kathleen’s ego is bruised, Benjamin’s still trying to sue a fucking lettuce, and you’re left wondering if choosing a restaurant makes you a villain
It does
Because you didn’t choose violence
You chose dignity
You absolute coward
And meanwhile your poor dad has to go home and climb back into bed with that salad banshee knowing full well she’s about to give him the ickiest, slowest, oat milk only lecturefucking of his life while listing every fucking ingredient she’s spiritually incompatible with. He’s there trying to finish while she’s whispering “no capers, no corn, no citrus, and definitely no gluten” like it’s some tantric Hogwarts incantation that summons a screaming fit about menu transparency.
That man’s dick died three birthdays ago and he’s still dragging its ghost through purgatory for the sake of family unity and one guilt soaked slice of dry fucking cake.
I have dietary preferences and there have been times they are crazy strict because of being limited because of pregnancy aversions and postpartum when eating certain foods messed with our nursing kids. If we ate at someone’s house or out to eat during those times, I either brought alternative food that fit my dietary needs and/or planned to eat more after and ate what I could. Eating out with a group or for a birthday is less about what you are eating and being together. You can do this regardless of what you do and don’t eat. Their mentality is very selfish. It’s all about them and they are unable to see how their behavior affects and turns off others from wanting to be around them.
Not at all. First of all, you obviously cater to their dietary needs (I hesitate to say ‘needs,’ but I don’t know them, so) regularly, and this is your birthday. Also, it is not unheard of to have a dinner with close friends and a separate dinner for family…it happens. Kathleen and Benjamin are also welcome to come and just have a drink (alcoholic or not), or apps? I have a hard time believing that they can’t have ANYTHING on the menu, unless it’s a truly specialized restaurant.
Another point to note is that you set the expectation: they can come if they accept the restaurant. They do not. Thus, they cannot come. It might be my neurodivergence, but that seems pretty straightforward to me!
And finally, it doesn’t sound like you’re the first to tell them this behavior is harmful. Your dad’s family won’t even accept invites to see him because of their “dietary needs.” I am all for specialized diets, conscious eating, etc, but that’s on the person to navigate, not the people around them.
It sounds like the step-brother needs some form of therapy maybe he has a food phobia or ARFID… CBT therapy can be helpful for this. Either way, it’s not your responsibility to cater to this on your birthday… or TBH any other occasion as it essentially enables them.
Sounds like it worked out well for you. You get to have a meal at the place of your choice with family and friends whilst step-brother and Step-mum stay away. You have also managed to set some boundaries. You should do this more often.
Have a wonderful birthday xxx
No, NTA. Accommodating for the peanut and shellfish allergy would would be a reasonable ask. Demanding that you limit your choices to two mediocre restaurants *on your birthday* to accommodate the stepmother and stepbrother’s dietary dysfunction is absurd. Leveling up that demand to you must not only give up your preferred choice to *travel to another state* in order to accommodate their dietary demands is ridiculously entitled.
Just put them on mute and enjoy the culinary freedom you now enjoy.
This is not a food issue. It’s a manipulation and control issue.
You might see if dad would be open to therapy, honestly. He needs to see clearly what is happening here to have a loving relationship with you. Wondering what else happens in their home and if he might not be trauma bonded.
So, ofc, NTA, if this is a real story.
“What? Wait, what? Travel where? Wait, why would I and all my guests travel anywhere? This is my pre-planned birthday party.. you know that right? It’s MY event. I invited you – as a guest, which means you get to say that you’re coming or you’re not coming. You know, the way invitations work? Since when can a guest move the whole party somewhere else? LOL I must have misunderstood your text becasue that seems insane. Anyway, hope you can make it! Let me know.”
That is selfish and unfair. Point out to your dad you are happy to join them occasionally at their choice of restaurant but there will be times when you choose the venue and they can either accept and enjoy the opportunity to come together, or decline, but stop expecting the world to revolve around them and their food issues
If they make a stink about that, then there’s not much you can do to appease them.
Sorry you have a cruddy stepfamily and a dad without a backbone
Info:
Does Kathleen aka Grassleen even make her own or grow her own salade ? Would you think her son aka meatorino could make his own meal instead of fast food ?
Does the step salade ever thought of making her own food and add olives tomatoes and more to fill or she like her bland unflavor slides of sad salade ?
Sounds like your dad is not willing to compromise because of the selfishness of his apparently incompetent and selfish wife and step kid.
Tell them their choices “did not meet the needs and requirements” of *your* birthday occasion
If they wish to fly you out at their expense to go to one of *their choices*, at a later date, they’re welcome to do so
You cannot modify all decisions and requirements to fit their agenda. If they wish to participate they may, if not then “oh well”
The rule is simple, your birthday, you choose.
Your dad can go and have chicken nuggets with his wife any day he feels like it. But does not get to dictate how you organise your birthday party
They sound insufferable. If all their diets are so restrictive then they can’t go out for a meal. Stay home and meet up for some other event. But you shouldn’t have to spend your birthday at taco bell because she eats like she has an ED and he eats like a 5 year old.
You know this better than anyone, but your dad sucks. We’re not even talking about children here.
It’s not hostile to want to enjoy your birthday. What’s hostile is to try to hijack it and force everyone in the group to do something for one person they barely know.
Go ahead and tell them to shut the fuck up and not come. This includes your pathetic dad too.
Her own daughter doesn’t put up with her and your stepbrother’s shit, why should you?
Most restaurants have accommodations for common food allergies, i am getting a feeling that it is more about them being the center of attention.
If dear old Dad loves you, He’ll get up, suit up and show up