Betrayed by the very people meant to guide her, she faced the painful reality that her parents had known all along, choosing secrecy over honesty. Their desire to shield her from difference only deepened her isolation, leaving scars etched by years of bullying and misunderstanding. Now, standing at the crossroads of healing and justice, she demands recognition—not just of her conditions, but of the cost of silence and denial.
I recently spent $2300 out of pocket getting assessed for autism and ADHD at the suggestion of my psychologist. I was diagnosed with both, which has allowed me to get financial assistance and accommodations at uni, so it’s very useful in the long term but it was a huge blow financially.
When I mentioned to my parents that I’d been diagnosed, they told me it was completely unnecessary because I was already diagnosed with both at age 6. They had never told me or anyone else about my diagnoses because they didn’t want me to think I was different and didn’t want me to be treated differently.
Spoiler: I already knew I was different, I just didn’t know why and thought I was a freak, same with every school bully and even some teachers. They were even told to put me on ADHD meds but they didn’t.
So I asked my parents to reimburse me for the money I wasted on getting assessed, because it was their fault I wasted it. If they hadn’t kept my own medical information from me, this would never have happened and I would have been able to get accommodations from the very start of uni which would have made things so much easier for me.
They watched me struggle socially and academically for 14 years and never bothered to explain why or get me help for it.
My family is pissed at me for asking to be reimbursed. They think it’s rude and my parents didn’t do anything wrong, they were just trying to protect me. They even keep saying that my autism stops me from understanding why they did it and me asking for reimbursement is rude.
I think it’s reasonable that if someone’s actions caused me to waste money then they should pay for it. They had 14 years to tell me, if they didn’t want me to know while I was a kid they could have sat me down when I was 18 and told me, but they chose to withhold my medical information from me.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant frustration and financial stress because their parents withheld crucial medical diagnoses (autism and ADHD) made in childhood, forcing the OP to incur substantial personal costs for recent re-evaluation. The central conflict lies between the OP’s reasonable expectation for reimbursement due to preventable financial loss and the parents’ defensive stance, which frames their past secrecy as protective action rather than a harmful omission.
Is the OP justified in demanding financial reimbursement from their parents for the $2300 assessment fee, given that the parents’ decision to conceal prior diagnoses led directly to the OP incurring unnecessary medical expenses later in life, or do the parents’ intentions to ‘protect’ the child override the OP’s right to financial compensation for withheld medical history?
Here’s how people reacted:
Bottom line this goes in the pile of things that are like an unfairness happened to you. There were consequences later in life. You still don’t get compensated. That is most things that disadvantage you. you have no inherent right to have your parents pay for this. You don’t get to find them for making bad parenting decisions. I’m also a little like – why didn’t you mention to them that you were on this journey?
The reason it seems off to me to ask us because – like did you think they were going to do it? Like they would say “yes this IS our fault! Ok, send us the bill!” Like – did you have a genuine good faith belief they might actually do that? Like – not asking if you think they SHOULD pay. I’m actually asking if you thought they might respond to your request by saying “yes.”
Because if you didn’t – and it’s hard fir me to accept that maybe you thought that would happen – then you were just picking a fight with them in a stupid, indirect way. If you want to have another conversation about why they made the choices they made – just have it. But like – they can’t undo it now. So if you want to tell them again that you think they made a bad parenting decision – sure. But like at some point you will have to be like “ok I’ve said this enough.”
It doesn’t sound like you doubt your parents motives – that they genuinely were trying to “protect yiu” albeit in a wrong misguided way. So … what is the endgame you are hoping for? I realize you probably haven’t thought about this yet – but what are you ultimately hoping to achieve here?
On the one hand, parents were probably at least partially right about whatever school benefits growing up further otherizing you, the thing about autism is that nobody knows what it is. I was told I didn’t have empathy within the last twenty years. By doctors! Explained away recognizing cues of people’s body postures, and projecting how I would feel situationally. As opposed to extra-sensory perception, I guess. Treatment is inchoate is what I’m saying.
On the other hand, it isn’t a matter of cutting the crap, or whatever, is it? Pretend to be normal, just like everyone else pretends to be normal, except that our condition is that we can’t pretend to be normal. Also light sensitivity for some reason.
Your parents very likely meant the best for you. They got it wrong, but, self-sufficiency is a crash course for everybody. Unless you’re rich, then disregard that.
my husband and his little brother were both diagnosed ADHD as children. His mom decided my husband didn’t need treatment, but gave it to his brother.
She watched him struggle for literally YEARS in school and get pushed through school with some special education classes with each teacher just forcing him along as he was “learning disabled” (thanks so effing much BUSH! NO child left behind my ass)
No meds, no therapists, no tutors. NOTHING. he’s 31 and has 0 coping mechanisms for the hyper focus or the several (yes he says usually several) simultaneous thought trains running through his head at once. He’s considering getting rediagnosed because his mom didn’t treat him and it’s not on his medical records anymore. but we can’t afford the tests to get him rediagnosed in the first place.
I just recently learned i too might be ADHD but because I’m female my parents wrote me off as “that weird quirky kid” and we definitely can’t afford two diagnoses.
I hate parents that won’t tell their kids or get them treatment.
Failing to tell you about your diagnosis is an AH move, but let’s not gloss over the fact they’re gaslighting you to feel you’re in the wrong BECAUSE of your diagnosis. You’re probably not getting the money back, but I think this is justification for taking a break from your family for a while.
NTA. You shouldn’t be out that money. You should have known this entire time. Then maybe gotten the help you needed earlier so that you’d have been able to make knowledgeable changes and updates to your life to make things so much easier this entire time.
Good luck with this. I’m pissed for you that they withheld something so freaking vital and personal to you.
I mean, you’re NTA to be angry, but maybe if they’d had a heads up you’re investigating suspicions then they would’ve come clean? Giving benefit of the doubt. Whatever way, I hope the peace of mind and empowerment with your diagnosis is worth it. It’s a sunk cost. You willingly outlaid the expense and were happy with the outcome and then got annoyed (fairly) when finding out you weren’t the first to know.
Don’t think u can put the financial responsibility on them as u went as an adult. Sure you could have avoided it if you knew and they are fucked up… but it is what it is. At most, they split it.
It’s not shocking that you didn’t converse with them about getting diagnosed beforehand, they don’t sound like supportive parents. It’s absurd to think, however, that they wouldn’t tell you when you were a teenager about your diagnosis. Especially because it really does help you get crucial accommodations for education. Sucks that you’re down the money but the accommodations should be worth it, plus just the knowledge alone is worth it
It sounds like they won’t, so of course you’ll have to decide where to go from there.
They denied you proper care even after getting a diagnosis. That’s neglect.
You had to pay out of pocket because they deliberately withheld important information from you.
I don’t know if you could sue them or not but I probably wouldn’t ever talk to them again if I were you.
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As a mom with a kid on the spectrum I am furious for you. They thought they were helping when in reality they stunted your growth. They allowed you to struggle and for no good reason.