I’m so sorry, OP. It’s obvious you’ve been really trying with your BIL despite his noxious behavior. You didn’t pick the best words to use, but NTA. Whether or not he understood his actions, your BIL traumatized an innocent family and forced you to physically remove him from their presence. If BIL can’t be trusted not to terrify East Asian families while he’s out and about, he needs to remain inside or go for his walks away from the public eye. It’s not your responsibility to oversee or coordinate that for him, and nobody is TA for not wanting a relationship with people who shout racial slurs in public.

I’m wondering where BIL’s professional/family support is if he’s severely disabled and is still apparently frequenting hate sites every day. He could easily be tricked or lured into something extremely evil given his disability and he’s clearly already willing to abuse children in public. Is the family completely unaware about that possibility?

NTA just because someone suffers a disability or illness it doesn’t mean you have to accept their behaviour. The brother may not understand what’s wrong or offensive or why, I don’t know the details obviously, but that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in that situation nor gloss over it just because it is a disability or illness.

You have your boundaries and feelings and you’re entitled to them.

It’s a shitty situation given the details but you have to look out for you. I understand for your partner it’s not great to hear and understandably he would love you to get along but he needs to understand that somethings are unacceptable even given the circumstances. What that man and child were subjected to was not fair and your partner can’t ignore it as a reason for anything.

You don’t have to be friends or like the brother but if you’re willing to be civil and such explain that to your partner.

YTA

I

You are obviously not able to live with someone who has mentally disabilites. You measure him by standards, like he’s healthy. And by how uncomfortable his behavior makes you feel.

“Bad behaviour” is the case with most people with mental illness and disability. Only a few like (Down Syndrome) are these “always nice guys”.

II

Okay, you can’t handle the brother. Not great, but it happens. And then you move in with him and his parents? He’s not in your house, is he? So you’re at his house complaining about his behavior — that you knew about before? That’s a serious mistake on your part. And you’re kicking the crap out of the people who took you in. Classic

III

A strong person would think: “I can’t cope with this situation. I keep my feet still and look for another place to stay”. But you whine to your husband and make him feel guilty. Best wife ever

YTA, or rather you acted in that way, when you waited till you were exploding to talk to your husband.

It’s stressful for everyone lately and no one can be expected to handle all situations perfectly, i think in this snapshot you’re in the wrong.

This is a perfect example of why communication is so important – so that no one gets to the point where we snap and say things that we regret.

You’re not at all an asshole for needing boundaries in this situation but you are for trying to establish them over an angry, hurtful phone call.

Collect your thoughts and sincerely apologize to your husband for how you handled the situation and for the things you said about his family.

Then you can reopen the conversation about what is and isn’t working in the current situation and what you want to do to solve them.

NAH

I don’t think you’re TA for expressing it, but what is your husband supposed to do? At 36, I suppose he’s well aware his brother’s behavior is problematic, but adults with intellectual disabilities are really hard to deal with as you cann’t really treat them as kids, but they aren’t functioning adults, either.

My mom (who is a music teacher) had one student who terrified me as a child ecuse he’d bark as a dog (he had Down’s) but all in all they really just lack the ability to understand hat’s socially ok.
He’s allso doing stressful/important work right now, I can see how it’s not his priority.

Honestly I only see people who are trying to make the best of a bad situation here.

NTA. He has severe intellectual disabilities, but the dad and son didn’t know that. The son is still learning that the world can be a terrible place, and the dad probably gets that several times a week now that we’re in a pandemic.

I know your husband loves him, but you have every right not to associate with a racist who screams at people in parking lots. Your husband needs to understand that you will NEVER get along, because his views and actions are abhorrent. I also have to wonder, (in all honesty, I really don’t know) if he understands what those words mean, and knows when to use them, how is he not intellectually able to refrain from screaming racit slurs at people?

NTA. I would say N A H if BIL was completely devoid of any mental capability, and had picked up this racism from other people or something.

But if he’s able to surf the dark corners of the internet to learn this despicable shit, and clearly his parents allow him to, then he doesn’t have an excuse. His family clearly don’t care about it, which is disgusting in itself.
Even if someone is disabled, if they are racially harassing members of the public, it will still affect these people.

That little boy didn’t deserve to be racially assaulted (noone does) and this shithead of person has probably done some deep damage.

If you can learn racism you can learn kindness.

Mmmmmm. Your husband is busy and negative stories like this can affect him, he supports you I’m sure. But perhaps you could have been stronger and waited until you’re face to face to discuss it. I’m
Guessing you messaged him
When you were more emotionally charged up with anger, and the wrong words came out.

You’re just a human being after all. YTA NTA? It’s really not about that. If you can stand him at your in-laws’ home do so, just keep apart if possible. Or stay out more. It’s hard to give advice since we never meet this disabled guy, best of luck to you. You can support your husband by biting the bullet and dealing with it.

INFO: What specifically did you say?

I understand why you don’t want to be around his brother. That said, you admit yourself that you said harsh words about him. That’s your husbands brother and he clearly cares about him deeply. Depending on what you said, he may have good reason to feel upset. I don’t know what specifically And the brother seems like he doesn’t know better and no one is working with him to know better. On that front, it’s definitely something to be addressed. But phrasing is everything.

NAH. OP is allowed her feelings, and husband is allowed to still love his brother and be upset. He didn’t attack her, he expressed sadness and a desire for them to get along. That doesn’t sound like an asshole, just like someone who is upset. OP is NOT an AH, but neither is her husband. I would probably feel a lot like OP, but I can get why husband is sad too. Being sad doesn’t mean he isn’t supporting her – it’s not like she said he called his parents and berated her or allowed his parents to berate her.

NTA

Hey, I get disabilities . . . But listen, if the guy is smart enough to use the internet and impressionable enough to learn these toxic behaviors from those dark corners of the internet, he is capable of learning other behaviors too. Like, politeness.

The disability card is sometimes necessary, but sometimes it means people don’t ever try to hold these individuals to any standards.

You do not have to like this. You do not have to feel comfortable around this, or fix it.

INFO: what type of severe ID are we talking about? Is this like Tourette’s where some patients develop tics that cause them to say inappropriate things? Are we talking like an autism disorder where he just doesn’t get social norms? Or is he just very low intelligence?

Edit: I don’t need the exact diagnosis, just a general feel for what this does to him.

NTA. I’m a special education teacher and I’m on the autism spectrum myself, but lemme just tell ya: it is 100% possible to be mentally disabled and also a big fat awful racist. Some people even use their mental disability as a sort of shield against accusations of racism, a la “I can’t be racist, I have Downs Syndrome”.

I totally get where you’re coming from, but now is probably not the best time to tell your husband in such strong language how you feel, as it just adds extra stress in an already super stressful time.

NTA, but you’re inlaws kinda are. Just because your kid has a disability, does not mean you shouldn’t raise them right. This is sadly something I see very often in my work.

NTA. Normally I’m an advocate for the disabled, but your BIL sounds exhausting to be around. You had every right to be upset, and your husband should understand why.

NTA.

Disabilities might be a reason, but they are NOT an excuse for shitty behaviour, especially racism. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that must’ve been

yta. you have to wonder if she’s capable of loving a child of hers with a similar disability. this woman loves no one but herself.

YTA for how you told your husband. I do understand your feelings. But what do you expect your husband to do.